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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being selfish and unreasonable in planning to ‘trap’ her DP into pregnancy.

72 replies

Elfintreehuggywugger · 02/04/2019 11:34

My DF has been going through a rough patch with her DP.

They’ve been together around 10 years, give or take. From what I can gather, her OH has tried to end their relationship several times over the past couple of years. She point blank refuses to move out and so does he.

He’s recently told her that he’s not loved her for years and they need to go their separate years - yet, they’re still sleeping together (according to her)

She’s heartbroken and devastated, evidently still very much in love with this man. She admitted to me last week that she hasn’t been taking her contraceptive pill for a while. She instantly admitted that she was crazy for even thinking about it but can bring herself to take it - she feels as though a baby is the one thing missing from their relationship and that it would bring them closer together.

I love my friend dearly but I honestly don’t see how this can end well. It’s deceptive, cruel and not fair on him, nor the baby.

Don’t get me wrong, if he was serious about ending things, he should’ve taken the first step to move out and he certainly shouldn’t still be using her for sex.

How do I sensitively warm her off this idea? I’ve tried already but it’s falling on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 02/04/2019 12:22

Some times to be a good friend you need to be blunt and straight to the point. She might not like it but I think you need to say it.

InsertFunnyUsername · 02/04/2019 12:22

I love my partner, but dear god the early stages of parenting tested us. So god knows how that will work out in a relationship that is pretty much over anyway?

He needs to stop sleeping with her and messing her around, and she needs to stop playing along with it. Difficult i know.

I would just do as other posters said, warn her she may well end up being a single parent.

contrary13 · 02/04/2019 12:23

A baby shouldn't be used as a sticking plaster on any relationship.

As for you, OP, you're damned if you tell him... and damned if you don't. I think you need to weigh up the consequences upon your own conscience either way, I'm afraid - tell him and lose a friendship, versus don't tell him and watch a child be brought into the equation. Either way, your friend has placed you in an impossible situation. Sad

One of my babysitters, when I was a child, tried to trap her boyfriend into their relationship with first one child... and then, a year or so later, with a second. It didn't work. She ended up a single parent, her sons barely saw their father (this was in the early '90s), and the relationship obviously ended (whilst she was pregnant with the second, if I remember rightly). It didn't work out the way she planned it - but she was in her late teens at the time. Had she been any older... then she would (should) have known better. I remember being told "don't end up like [former babysitter]", actually, as though her situation was some sort of morality tale.

Her sons barely have any relationship with either of their parents, now. They're in their mid-20s, grown men, who know the circumstances of their birth - and feel sympathy for their absent but tricked father, and contempt for the woman who tried to trap him, thei rmother.

Either way, it's not going to end up as your friend seems to think it will, OP.

bringincrazyback · 02/04/2019 12:26

I'd tell her OH. This is unspeakable.

Singlenotsingle · 02/04/2019 12:27

WHY is he still having sex with her, if he doesn't love her and wants the relationship to end?

Boysey45 · 02/04/2019 12:32

@userxx, because he doesn't love her, wants to split with her and uses her for sex still.

I'd stay out of it, you never really know the inns and outs of others relationships anyway.Maybe I'd talk to her but not to him as hes nothing to do with the friend. I certainly wouldn't have his back.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/04/2019 12:35

Sex does not mean love. It's a physical eBay. If he can separate the physical act from the emotional but she can't then that's her problem.

Tell him! For his sake and the babies!

TeaForDad · 02/04/2019 12:36

Surprised to read the lack of sympathy for the dad; he should use condoms if he doesn't want a baby?
I wouldn't check with my dw every time, if we have an ongoing plan that she takes the pill.
OP I would tell the partner

Pinkbutton85 · 02/04/2019 12:36

My 'friend' did this and then had an abortion.

A baby will not save her situation, it will just make him resent her and possibly the child.

Tell him!

Mumberjack · 02/04/2019 12:41

Seems to me that’s she’s doing it so whatever happens, she’s not alone. Her DP stays around = family. Her DP leaves = still got a baby to show for the 10 or so years of her life.
She’s being dishonest and he’s stringing her along. It’s a rubbish situation all round and any child resulting from this mess is going to have to deal with the fallout.

WBWIFE · 02/04/2019 12:43

Having our DD put a massive strain on our otherwise solid relationship.

I can certainly see why couples seperate after having children.

A baby will not help her situation, you need to be quite blunt with her

KOBr · 02/04/2019 12:44

Tell him. He will stop sleeping with her (hopefully) and stringing her along and they can both move on.

userxx · 02/04/2019 12:44

@Boysey45 He's not lying to her though is he? More fool her sleeping with him when he's told her his feelings. She's the one who is out of order with her planned surprise pregnancy.

HavelockVetinari · 02/04/2019 12:45

Tell him. She's behaving despicable.

HavelockVetinari · 02/04/2019 12:45

*despicably.

Cheeserton · 02/04/2019 12:50

Another vote for telling him.

Bishbashthrash · 02/04/2019 12:53

I'd tell him!

They are both acting like twats but why would you bring a child into that situation? He won't want her just because she's having his unplanned baby.

Sgtmajormummy · 02/04/2019 12:55

“The greatest compliment a woman can give a man is to have his baby. The worst insult is to do it without his knowledge.”

Said by me to a good friend who was in a not-great relationship but feeling that time was against her.
Sounded better in the original language, though!Grin

Bluestitch · 02/04/2019 13:00

Surprised to read the lack of sympathy for the dad; he should use condoms if he doesn't want a baby?

Er, yes. Why is that such a shocking suggestion? This isn't a mutually trusting loving relationship, this is a man who has told this woman he doesn't love her but despite knowing how distraught she is continues to mess with her head by having sex with her. And he's not using condoms because despite being an utter shit he still expects her to be sorting out contraception so that he can ejaculate without consequence. Yeah not sure why he deserves sympathy.

swingofthings · 02/04/2019 13:01

She'll be here posting what an ass he is, how he was abusive etc...and when questioned about a child with him, say that it was an accident. Its amazing the number of posters who have babies with abusers have accidents here. In the end, people will say that he should have used a condom. To be fair, if he doesn't love her, he shouldn't be sleeping with her knowing she still aches for him, but that doesn't justify getting pregnant and starting a new life.

Sicario · 02/04/2019 13:03

There's a special place in hell for those women who get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose. It's a despicable thing to do.

BayandBlonde · 02/04/2019 13:03

It's madness, tell her OH.

My friend was in a 10 year relationship that got a bit rocky towards the end. She didn't want children but her OH convinced her it would 'fix' them......they separated three months after baby was born because he cheated, even though the baby was his idea.

They pretty much immediately filed for divorce.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/04/2019 13:49

Where's her personal responsibility it's insulting to infantilise women as hapless emotional beings. He's told her how he feels. But she chooses to keep having sex with him. If she is of sound mind then that's her choice and he is not responsible for her.

Original poster
Elfintreehuggywugger · 02/04/2019 16:52

I completely agree with those saying he’s a shit for continuing a sexual relationship - she still loves him, of course she’ll consent. She did say that she usually initiates it nowadays.

I’ve told my DH, he’s very good friends with her DP.
He’s said that he’s going to tell his friend. Apparently every time he asks her to leave or leaves himself she threatens to kill herself and he says that he still cares for her a great deal and at times thinks she would go through with it.

I don’t think it’s fair to use an innocent little life in this way. As others have said, babies put a strain on even the strongest of relationships. The baby won’t fix the root cause of the problem - the fact that he doesn’t love her anymore.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/04/2019 17:06

So she's abusive but he's the shit?