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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day Sadness

50 replies

aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 21:53

Probably lots of posts on this topic at the min but here goes another. I have been so upset since yesterday over the lack of appreciation I felt on Mothers Day.........I got zilch from my kids (22, 19 & 12) and I would be lying if I said my heart didnt break more than a little.

I do so much for my grown up kids as they still live at home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, making lunches. My eldest does shift work and does not drive so I get up at 5.30 to drop/ collect him from work at 6am. I am always on call and always there for them no matter what they need. Likewise for my 19yr old son I do the same droping him to college as he's always running late. I pay for his nights out, festival tickets, clothes etc.

I was a single mum of 2 at 22 when their dad left us high and dry never to be seen again when I was 5 mths pregnant. So it was really
difficult for me to get as far as I did and I still managed to achieve a degree and masters to show them how important education was and to try to create a better life for us.

DP went out and bought me a plant and a card from youngest just to shut me up, he put so little thought into it that he actually bought me a birthday card........I just had my birthday 2 weeks ago so wtf.

We had a family occasion on Saturday and I paid for a 3 course meal at a really nice restaurant for 18 people including my adult children, not a word of thanks or appreciation. I love my family and I wanted to treat them on the occasion.

I cried for most for yesterday evening and today I cant even answer my phone as I am too upset to speak to anyone. Its just totally highlighted how little my kids appreciate me and everything I have done for them. I love my kids and I love helping them out and so I have never complained or nagged them in the past.

I have totally stopped doing anything for them now, no dinner this evening ds has a 4 km walk to work and home and my 19 yr son has left the house and gone to stay with my parents rather than listen to me complain.

I know many here may well think I am being neurotic my on principle I feel that they are definitely in the wrong and have totally disrespected me. I should add that I try to live a pretty minimalist life so would never want huge gestures or expensive gifts, it's all about the thought and acknowledgement.

So to all the mums feeling unloved, neglected and sad today I am sending hugs and this advice/suggestion ........next year I'm booking myself a citybreak and I'm celebrating myself on Mother's Day xxx

p.s . Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 01/04/2019 21:59

Good for you. Stop being a door mat. They take you for granted. The oldest are bang out of order and even at 12 they could have made u a card or done something to show they care. I understand why you feel so let down and sad. You are too generous and it is all one way traffic. Sorry this has happened, but your action may be the big wake up call they all need. Flowers

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/04/2019 22:02

Stick to your guns and keep to the resolve not do anything for them, they've been totally taking you for granted.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 01/04/2019 22:09

I don’t blame you for feeling sad. I do think that our kindness and efforts can be taken for granted.
Have your kids always been like this? Did they do anything last year for mother’s day?
What about for your birthday?
Sometimes it’s good that they’re reminded that mother’s are human beings with feelings.
I hope your parents have a frank conversation with your 19 yr old!

Zerrin13 · 01/04/2019 22:11

OP You sound like a wonderful mother and a really nice person. Your chidren are very lucky to have you. Unfortunately they are completely used to you catering to their every need and probably don't even give all the care and services you provide a second thought. They proved that when they didn't spare a seconds thought to buying you a card and gift yesterday. Sorry but if you want some appreciation from them you need to stop testing them as if they are so special and you are worth nothing. Why are you getting up at 5.30am to taxi your adult son to work? It was his choice to take the job and it's his bloody responsibility to work out how he is going to get there and back from that job. What has it got to do with you? Why isn't he learning to drive? You really need to change your tactics. They are not little god's just because they are your children.

IceBearRocks · 01/04/2019 22:11

Congratulations...fuck em!

ssd · 01/04/2019 22:13

You sound so nice op. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly. It's time to stand up for yourself x

Babyroobs · 01/04/2019 22:17

I don't blame you for not helping them out any more, they sound very unappreciative and you sound like a lovely mum. I understand why you are angry. I have 4 teenagers and like you do a lot for them. I did get small gifts and lovely cards off them but only because I badgered my dh to remind them for some days beforehand. I doubt they would have done much otherwise. It was my dh who organised breakfast in bed and I spent the whole of mothers day washing and ironing. Not one of them offered to wash the pots after dh had cooked a roast dinner. My eldest is away at Uni and said he sent a card on Thursday first class but it hasn't arrived, I'm doubting he sent it.

Stormy76 · 01/04/2019 22:41

Teens are selfish, I trust that you will put the same level of effort into Father’s Day for your partner? Perhaps a happy Easter card?

FrozenMargarita17 · 01/04/2019 22:43

Good for you, stick to your guns. They are old enough to put together a card and small gift ffs

Chloemol · 01/04/2019 22:46

You have done the right thing. You just need to make sure you carry on and don’t give in. There is no reason the older two can’t help with cooking etc, do their own W washing and ironing and make their own way to/ from work, pay for themselves going out etc. Dont give in to them

Happyspud · 01/04/2019 22:49

I remember being 22, 19 and 12. I didn’t know yet to appreciate what mum did for us, I didn’t understand it. But I can tell you it was no reflection on how much we loved her or needed her. I’m sorry kids are so selfish. You’re clearly a lovely mum and I know it will come back to you once they are old enough to really get what life is about.

Original poster
aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 22:58

ILiveInSalemsLot They can be a bit intermittent when it comes to gifts and occasions sometimes they get me something other times not. I got cards for my birthday but no gifts from kids.

I try not to involve my parents too much as my mum has Parkinson's and is quite ill so she gets upset easily and I would not want her to see me this upset. I spent most of yesterday with her before returning home to nothing xxx

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 01/04/2019 22:58

The trouble is, the more you do, the more they take it for granted. The oldest 2 are adults and the should learn that life is a two way street.. seriously, it really is something they need to learn. Otherwise they'll go through life expecting everyone to run round after them without them having to give anything back. And it doesn't work like that.

Floralnomad · 01/04/2019 22:59

It’s bollocks to say that at those ages they don’t realise how much their mum does , and besides which they know it’s Mother’s Day and frankly even if they don’t appreciate what she does they could at least acknowledge the day with a card and a box of chocolates . My dc are 19 &26 , eldest ds lives pt here and pt with my dsis and he not only got me stuff for mother’s day but also bought her flowers and chocolates .

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/04/2019 23:03

That sounds beyond shit and I feel for you.
But what do you mean when you say that your dp went to the shop to get a card "just to shut you up?" Did you tell him how you felt at that point then?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/04/2019 23:04

And sometimes, I think you have to show them you're upset and teach them how to treat you by setting a higher bar for yourself.
Sounds as though you're now doing this.
Good luck with it.

NWQM · 01/04/2019 23:05

Your words made me feel sad for you but proud of you. Way to go for standing up for yourself.

What's there reaction been so far?

Soozikinzi · 01/04/2019 23:07

I'm not surprised you are feeling bad about it . After all you have done for them they sound very ungrateful. I would cut right back until you get some appreciation x

Original poster
aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 23:07

Zerrin13 Thank you for your kind comments, you are totally right in saying I do far too much for them. While my parents are wonderful people and exceptional parents there were times in my young adult life where I felt very unsupported by my family and I promised myself that I would never let my kids feel that way, I suppose I over -compensated for my feelings.

I am very close t my eldest as I was 18 (almost 19) when he was born and we have basically grown up together. He actually cried last night he he seen how upset I was I think it was a huge realisation for him xx

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 01/04/2019 23:12

I think I would stop paying for 19 year olds entertainment or doing their laundry, cooking, chauffeuring and shopping. The two oldest are definitely old enough to be living independently and they sound ungrateful and thoughtless. The old adage, the more you do the more is expected of you holds true for you I think. I don't think it is necessarily the lack of cards or gifts that is the issue on Mothers Day as such if they are generally appreciative but that does not sound as if that is the case. Stop being so generous and I certainly would not be getting up at 5.30 am to drive your DS anywhere. Tell him to learn to drive and he has to pay for lessons and a car.

Original poster
aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 23:14

Babyroobs It so tough being a mum to older kids right? I'm sorry you didnt have the greatest day either. I too spent my morning clean, unfortunately I didn't get breakfast in bed though.

I really hope your card arrives in the post tomorrow xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 23:19

He knew that I would probably have something to say I he got absolutely nothing so tried to make a token gesture.......He also told me that I am not his mother so its not really his responsibility!!

His has a winter bday so perhaps a bday card would be perfect for Father's day!!

He does not respect or appreciate me either!!

OP posts:
Notanidiot · 01/04/2019 23:20

OP it is natural that as a young single mum you were feircely protective of your children and ensured no matter what, that you will always be there for them.

You have done yourself proud. But as everyone says its time to step back and for them to act like the adults and young people they are.

Unfortunately yesterday has been an epithany for you. But take heart that once you significantly loosen those apron strings and tighten your purse from now onwards, they will begin to appreciate you a lot more.

Keep strong!

SandyY2K · 01/04/2019 23:21

I don't blame you tbh. Unlike other moaning threads, your DC are old enough to have done something and they should be ashamed of themselves.

You do so much and I would expect them to show appreciation all year round, not just on MD.

I'd be telling them no more waking up at 5.30... they can work out their own transport arrangements.

Original poster
aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 23:25

Notanidiot you are so right and there is no other option at this point x

OP posts:
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