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AIBU?

Mothers Day Sadness

50 replies

aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 21:53

Probably lots of posts on this topic at the min but here goes another. I have been so upset since yesterday over the lack of appreciation I felt on Mothers Day.........I got zilch from my kids (22, 19 & 12) and I would be lying if I said my heart didnt break more than a little.

I do so much for my grown up kids as they still live at home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, making lunches. My eldest does shift work and does not drive so I get up at 5.30 to drop/ collect him from work at 6am. I am always on call and always there for them no matter what they need. Likewise for my 19yr old son I do the same droping him to college as he's always running late. I pay for his nights out, festival tickets, clothes etc.

I was a single mum of 2 at 22 when their dad left us high and dry never to be seen again when I was 5 mths pregnant. So it was really
difficult for me to get as far as I did and I still managed to achieve a degree and masters to show them how important education was and to try to create a better life for us.

DP went out and bought me a plant and a card from youngest just to shut me up, he put so little thought into it that he actually bought me a birthday card........I just had my birthday 2 weeks ago so wtf.

We had a family occasion on Saturday and I paid for a 3 course meal at a really nice restaurant for 18 people including my adult children, not a word of thanks or appreciation. I love my family and I wanted to treat them on the occasion.

I cried for most for yesterday evening and today I cant even answer my phone as I am too upset to speak to anyone. Its just totally highlighted how little my kids appreciate me and everything I have done for them. I love my kids and I love helping them out and so I have never complained or nagged them in the past.

I have totally stopped doing anything for them now, no dinner this evening ds has a 4 km walk to work and home and my 19 yr son has left the house and gone to stay with my parents rather than listen to me complain.

I know many here may well think I am being neurotic my on principle I feel that they are definitely in the wrong and have totally disrespected me. I should add that I try to live a pretty minimalist life so would never want huge gestures or expensive gifts, it's all about the thought and acknowledgement.

So to all the mums feeling unloved, neglected and sad today I am sending hugs and this advice/suggestion ........next year I'm booking myself a citybreak and I'm celebrating myself on Mother's Day xxx

p.s . Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

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CosISaid · 01/04/2019 23:26

They sound like ungrateful yokels. Let them get themselves to work/college from now on. Go out and find yourself as a still young woman and have some fun!

swimrunfun · 01/04/2019 23:28

You sound like such a lovely person but too apologetic about yourself and too lovely that you've been unappreciated and, well, quite frankly, walked on.

Don't indulge your kids, they need to learn to respect you and to learn how to figure things out for themselves. Helping them too much isn't going to help them long term, creates way too much work for you and has created an attitude of disrespect.

Hugs to you. I hope you have kind friends that don't take advantage of your innate goodness.

MummytoTw0 · 01/04/2019 23:29

@aunaturel78 good on you for standing your ground and shutting up shop, so to speak

It sounds to me that your kids have been very wrapped up in their own needs and totally neglected you

I hope this is a big wake up call for them!

They're old enough to fend for themselves.
So stand your ground, be selfish for once, let them fend for themselves then they will
See how utterly amazing you are

aunaturel78 · 01/04/2019 23:51

NWQM my eldest is upset that I am so hurt, he has apologised and promised to make it up to me. My 19yr s is a it more selfish and so Im the irrational one.......no apology there.

DP is really grating on my last nerve as he is giving out about them as if he has not let me down in any way whatsoever......agghhhh..........Is it wrong to visualise punching someone in the face??

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 02/04/2019 00:04

You can't choose your children but you sure as fuck can choose who you sleep with and it sounds like that needs to be changed as well!

CosISaid · 02/04/2019 00:09

In fairness, you're not your DP's Mum, so he is correct to be angry with them.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/04/2019 00:10

Is your 19yo still at your parents? I hope he is not expecting them to look after him?

aunaturel78 · 02/04/2019 00:28

EKGEMS I have felt unsure about this relationship for a few months so you are right, we have been together for almost 18 yrs and he definitely takes me for granted. Outwardly he acts like the best partner so everyone tells me how lucky I am. As I'm reading this I'm feeling like I need to leave the lot of them xx

OP posts:

aunaturel78 · 02/04/2019 00:30

ineedaholidaynow he is still there......they adore him so probably will make a fuss while he is there

OP posts:

aunaturel78 · 02/04/2019 00:36

CosISaid Thanks for referring to me as Young!!!! That made my day

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 02/04/2019 00:58

I'm sorry that your kids didn't make an effort. That must have been upsetting. However, I don't really understand why you expected your partner to do anything? Your youngest dc is 12, is that right? If so, surely that's plenty old enough to sort something out by themselves, so your partner's input shouldn't be required? Obviously, it's different when they're toddlers and can't do stuff on their own.

CosISaid · 02/04/2019 01:11

Time for you to rediscover yourself. From my calculations you are approximately my age (41), I go to the gym, I date, I go to bars and I have rediscovered myself really. Parenting can make you feel old.
You've done your duty to the elder two, your 12 year old is possibly like second nature to you now as he's your 3rd to rear.
Maybe shake off the old cobwebs, get your ass in the gym, get swimming, running, whatever your thing might be, and realise that you are in fact still young! Save your petrol money up for a wash, cut and colour, and realise that if they don't appreciate you, you can damn well appreciate yourself!!!

PregnantSea · 02/04/2019 01:12

I don't think you're being neurotic at all. This isn't about Mother's Day. You're being taken for granted and treated like a servant and you didn't expect much today. If I was you I would be much more selfish from now on. The older ones need to move out. You don't get to live at mum's and treat her badly as an adult. It's not on and you don't need to put up with that.

You DP isn't really to blame for this because he's right, you aren't his mum, but it sounds like you are disappointed in him because he takes you for granted as well and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I wouldn't blame you if you took yourself on a little holiday and had a big long think about what you want out of life. Leave everyone else to sort their own shit out for once. Even a servant would be granted a few days leave every now and again.

CosISaid · 02/04/2019 01:13

And yes, you are very definitely young! There are many parents who are only having their first-borns at my age!! Makes me want to curl into a ball and rock personally, but that's the advantage of having kids young!

HennyPennyHorror · 02/04/2019 01:16

Sorry but I keep hearing Lana Del Rey's song

"I got that Mother's Day, Mother's Day sadness...ma ma ma Mother's Day Mother's Day sadness...."

CosISaid · 02/04/2019 01:19

And I think you've probably given them the metaphorical boot up the holes that they needed. Little shysters. I know you love them - but, they need a bit of a kick now and then.

Go find YOU again!

fiddlesticks86 · 02/04/2019 01:34

Aw OP - I really feel for you and just wanted to say....

I know I don't know you and not who you want to be hearing this from but I'm wishing you a huge belated happy Mother's Day. You sound like a wonderful, caring, kind hearted Mum and your DC are very lucky to have you.

I hope they learn to show you the appreciation and respect you deserve ASAP.

aunaturel78 · 02/04/2019 02:12

fiddlesticks86 Thank you for that xxx

OP posts:

jameswong · 02/04/2019 02:56

I would usually say something along the lines of "your children are not responsible for your emotional well being" and I honestly think some posters saying "I badger my husband to remind my kids to get me something for mother's day" need to see a therapist. That's not healthy. Mothter's day is a hallmark holiday, and if your self esteem is wrapped up in your children acknowledging that then you need to heal yourself before worrying about anything else.

In saying all of that, you do far too much for your kids and need to make dramatic changes. Frankly, you've coddled them to the point that you might have stunted their development. Your eldest is an embarrassment.

Rock4please · 02/04/2019 03:16

@jameswong - that's a bit harsh isn't it? Mother's Day, or traditionally Mothering Sunday, is a day to show appreciation of our mothers. OP wasn't seeking expensive gifts, just a recognition of how much she does for her family.

bakingdemon · 02/04/2019 03:57

What about giving your kids an allowance rather than paying for everything they want to do? That way they have to budget to spend it and if they go over it then that's the end of going out for that month. And make it conditional on them completing certain chores around the house or doing their own laundry.

You sound really kind and giving and they sound like a bunch of ungrateful idiots. What do you do that's just for you? Maybe you need to take the time to pursue a hobby or go to the gym/cinema at a regular time each week?

jameswong · 02/04/2019 04:09

@Rock4please

Parts of my post probably are harsh. Stand by what I said about current Mother's Day being a hallmark holiday (father's day even worse, at least mother's day has a genuine historic/religious tradition spanning centuries, albeit it's now unrecognizable from that). People should (aim to) appreciate the people that love them in life everyday, not on a certain day marked on the calendar.

Also, the social contract between parents and children really only moves in one direction. We should never expect anything back from our kids, it doesn't work that way (as frustrating as that can feel at times). We brought them into the world, we raised them in our image*, we deal with the consequences of that.

*There will be obvious exceptions here - ASD, schizophrenia, an abusive partner etc. that result in kids turning out differently despite the best efforts of any one caregiver.

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OneDayillSleep · 02/04/2019 04:35

I don't think I bought my mum a card between the ages of 12 and about 28. Unless I made a card at school as a child my mum didn't get a card or anything, my dad always said it was made up commercialised nonsense (he doesn't do cards generally though).

I don't think it means they don't appreciate you, they are just at that age where you generally don't bother with cards. I think it's only having kids the past 3 years that I've made any effort to buy a card and do something nice for my mum, I always agreed with my dad about it being a made up day to keep clintons in business, it is really!

It does sound like you are doing far too much for your adult children though, I think scaling back your help is a good idea for both you and your children.

user1483387154 · 02/04/2019 04:46

I can totally understand you feeling let down by your children but i agree with your husband that you are not his mother he shouldnt need to get you anything.

Happynow001 · 02/04/2019 06:36

Well done for backing off OP and asserting your own self-respect from your children and your partner.

Do ensure you maintain your stance though and don't go back to original arrangements where you do everything (Waking at 5.30am to provide lifts?? Really?)

Your eldest two and your partner can do much more than it seems they have been and should be or should learn to be more self sufficient (doing their own laundry, cooking some meals/making their own lunches) cleaning up after themselves and keeping their own rooms clean. Your 19yo can certainly earn some money for his own festival tickets, some of his own clothes etc? Getting into a strop and going elsewhere for an easy life will not help him long term.

Your 12yo can also help out more (again I'm sure you know their capabilities to do or learn to do).

Stand firm and don't be guilted into reverting to the original situation. Talk to your partner about him stepping up more.

Do use some of the time you've regained for yourself. What hobbies are you interested in? What about visiting the gym, swimming, Zumba classes, catching up on reading a novel or just having lunch or drinks with friends?

Good luck! 🍷🌹

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