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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that paternity leave policy is unfair…

143 replies

Wombat12 · 01/04/2019 17:41

I’m currently a full-time student and my DH works full-time. We’d like to start a family after I graduate. I’d have 2-3 months between the end of my course and the start of my job contract (guaranteed) so we’d aim to have the baby in that period/just before (as much as you can ever plan these things!) and our plan was then for me to start working full-time and my DH to take on the role of primary caregiver. So we looked into shared parental leave…

It seems that unless I am working for the required amount prior to my due date (26 weeks in the 66 weeks before earning at least £390 in total across 13 of those weeks) my DH won’t be entitled to any leave beyond the minimum 2 weeks. If I was working I could transfer my leave entitlement to DH. I might be being unreasonable but it seems unfair to me that my DH’s ability to take leave depends on my working status not on his own. If the situation was reversed my leave wouldn’t depend on his working status and I’d not be impressed if it did!

I appreciate this wouldn’t normally be a problem and I could just get a part-time job. However, unfortunately the course I’m studying doesn’t really allow any time for a job and it’s strongly recommended we don't have one, especially in our final year. Any suggestions of possible part-time jobs that would meet the minimum criteria and not be too time intensive really appreciated.

Sorry if I’ve explained this poorly!

OP posts:
JustHereForThePooStories · 01/04/2019 20:05

I hope your course isn’t a Ph.D in statistics!

But yeah... you have to actually be employed before taking maternity leave. Just like you have to be employed to take annual leave etc.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 01/04/2019 20:06

Ohhh does OP not know about the before 12 noon thing? Right date wrong time OP

Jessgalinda · 01/04/2019 20:07

No he wouldn’t two weeks paternity or six months shared parental leave!

If its shared parental leave he will get the same payment the OP gets.

Very few places then top up paternity pay for 6 months. Especially when there is no amp payment.

Jessgalinda · 01/04/2019 20:07

And again, I imagine the op would have pointed that out

Ginger1982 · 01/04/2019 20:13

How old are you OP? What's the rush?

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/04/2019 20:16

@Jessgalinda the whole of the civil service pays six months full pay shared parental leave. That applies even if the mother only sacrifices MA.

Biancadelrioisback · 01/04/2019 20:19

Statutory required leave is 2 weeks (4 in a factory I believe).
Also I had DS 2 months early so you definitely can't plan these things OP

Ambs81 · 01/04/2019 20:24

It’s really annoying when people without a child talk about their childcare plans.
It might take you 1 month, 1 year or 10 years to conceive!
You might have a great or hellish pregnant or birth.
You might have a poorly baby, that you can’t bear to leave.
Your work arrangements are the least pressing issue in this scenario.
You’ll soon realise when it comes to conceiving, pregnancy, birth and beyond it’s not something you can map out.
You sound really naive.

Hugtheduggee · 01/04/2019 20:24

Its possible to conceive during a fairy narrow widow (we've managed to plan it both times), but its not guarenteed.

Its possible to work well through your pregnancy, but again not guaranteed.

Its ok to have it as your plan a, but don't rely on it too much. Getting pregnant can be harder than expected, and so can pregnancy.

MrsStock · 01/04/2019 20:27

So many uneccessary and sarcastic comments!! OP, ignore them. Some people get pregnant within a few tries, some don't - hopefully you do! The only problem I foresee is the disappointment you will have when you aren't pregnant when you want to be. The reality of TTC is that it can be incredibly stressful so I would try and be relaxed regarding when you fall pregnant as it's unlikely that it'll be in the 3 month window you have specified. Good luck xx

MrsStock · 01/04/2019 20:29

Most people are quite naive about the process of TTC until they've been through it!

butteryellow · 01/04/2019 20:34

I love your optimism OP - I've got pregnant easily twice (and semi-accidentally the second time) - I had easy pregnancies, but if your courseload wouldn't allow for a part time job, I think you're going to struggle the first 3 months of exhaustion, and the last 3 months of ridiculous discomfort... let alone then the weeks of post birth recovery until you're back to fairly normal (for my second days, but for my first a good couple of months)

OwlinaTree · 01/04/2019 20:35

Why don't you wait a year or so till you are working? Then you can take some leave and have a job to go back to without the timing issues. You won't have to rush back to work if you don't want to. Honestly, trying to start a new job with a tiny baby at home will be so stressful.

Jessgalinda · 01/04/2019 20:36

the whole of the civil service pays six months full pay shared parental leave. That applies even if the mother only sacrifices MA.

How the op plans to become employed. So it messes it up. Just like it doe if you change employer.

HattieRabbit · 01/04/2019 20:40

@ginger

Despite finding the OP pretty nieve I really don’t agree with age shaming women about having children!

Insinuating that a woman is being ‘too eager’ or ‘impatient’ by wanting a child in her twenties! 🤔 people have different priorities!

I am repeatedly told ‘what’s the rush? You’re so young’ - 🤔 ‘the rush’ is that I literally cried in Sainsbury’s car park last weekend after standing next to a baby in the queue because my body clock has hit me like a bus this year and I’m desperate to start TTC!

I’m 26, DH is 32, we have everything in order to start TTC this summer. Nice house, good jobs/income, savings (just waiting on completion of my degree)! But still I get ‘why the rush?’

Well... the people suggestinh I wait are probably the same people questioning why mid/late thirties women struggling to conceive didn’t try earlier 🤔?!?!? You can’t win- everyone should have babies when it’s right for them! Nobody else!

Stopyourhavering64 · 01/04/2019 20:41

I conceived very quickly...however I then had 2 mcs in close succession
3rd pregnancy was awful , followed by a traumatic delivery....don't underestimate how things can go badly wrong , even with meticulous planning regarding your 3 month window!

Fiveredbricks · 01/04/2019 20:45

OP it took us over 12 years to get pregnant 😂

Focus on your career and then get full maternity entitlement and do what you want. Don't be so daft and naïve.

GabsAlot · 01/04/2019 20:47

sorry to be thick surely you need to be working to get shared parental leave-its not a case of well hes working so yeah have some time off even though u werent working in the first place

user1497299487 · 01/04/2019 20:50

Just catching up with mumsnet, is this the April fool post? 🤪

Gone4Good · 01/04/2019 20:50

I was 20 years old when I got married and our baby was born 40 weeks and 3 days after our wedding.

Second baby and second marriage - I tried for 5 years to get pregnant. Second baby was born when I was 35.

It's all hit and miss really.

xdestarx · 01/04/2019 20:52

My and my DP are in a similar position and really want to start ttc dc1 but are postponing purposefully because it makes so much more sense for me to get settled into a career and earn my maternity entitlement before ttc in 2020. Unless you're both on the older side for ttc then waiting until you've started your guaranteed job surely makes the most sense?!

Original poster
Wombat12 · 01/04/2019 20:56

Thanks for all your replies. I do appreciate how my post comes across as incredibly naïve, I tried to cut all the detail out of it so it wasn’t too long!

We are very aware that we may not be able to conceive, or that if we can there’s absolutely no way we can guarantee the timing of this, especially not to a 3 month window – I agree it’s absolutely ridiculous to think we could do this but can see how that came across in my post!

What we planned to do is start TTC 9 months before the beginning of that 3-month block. If we can conceive then brilliant, if not we have thought that through. If we can conceive but later than that then I would just not start my job that year (would still be there the year after)/start and take unpaid leave (guaranteed job still there on return)/start and qualify for SMP depending on the timing. So then my question about suitable jobs to qualify for shared parental leave becomes obsolete in all those circumstances as I wouldn’t be looking to share parental leave which is why I didn’t include this in my original post.

The starting work ‘plan’ has always been with the proviso that if I changed my mind and didn’t want to start, or if I or the baby weren’t in a position for me to go back so soon then I wouldn’t. Also aware as other PPs have suggested that pregnancy might be really rough, would cross that bridge if we came to it but have chatted it through with uni and they would be fully supportive of taking time out/making adjustments if needed.

As a PP highlighted, it’s not impossible that we would fall pregnant quickly. In which case we didn’t want to be naïve and not have considered this in terms of me finding a suitable job. I thought it might take a while for me to find the right thing so was starting this process of looking for something way in advance of needing to and hoping you all might have some useful suggestions.

Thanks MyDcAreMarvel that’s really helpful.

Hope that makes more sense! Climbs back under tin hat.

OP posts:
Hersheys · 01/04/2019 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LEDadjacent · 01/04/2019 21:06

Babies can come early you know. Any time from 37 weeks is considered full term.

eightoclock · 01/04/2019 21:06

Hersheys you need to grow up yourself - getting kicks out of swearing at random Internet strangers