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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it wrong for me not to want to visit my Dads grave.

29 replies

Baywatch46 · 01/04/2019 16:36

I lost my Dad suddenly 4 months ago and couldn't go to his funeral. He lived in Cyprus where I lived also for 9 years with him and brought 2 of my children up there. His death was unexpected and because it was in Cyprus very complicated as we could not fly him back. I was in hospital myself at the time and was to ill to fly out for his funeral. My eldest daughter decided she wanted to get married back in Cyprus because of all the fond memories she has when she was growing up, so we are all flying out this September. My Dad would have been there so amongst all the happiness there is also a great deal of sadness. I don't want to go to his grave whilst I'm there as I don't feel I could cope. The last memories I have is me riding on the back of my dads bike in Cyprus which I want to keep. I don't want my last memory to be a grave where my dad is not there. I want my memories to be of my daughters wedding and the memories that will surround us all of my Dad. I know he is with me and I know I don't need to see his grave for closure as I already have that and excepted he's gone. Am I bad for not doing this? I'm feeling I would be seeing his grave because of what people expect of me and not what I really want.

OP posts:
redwoodmazza · 01/04/2019 16:47

You need to do what you feel is right.
You will always have your memories of your Dad.

AmethystRaven · 01/04/2019 16:47

You said yourself what I was going to say - he's not there. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with not going. I don't want my family to feel obliged to visit me in a graveyard when I go, so I doubt your Dad would want you to go and make yourself sad. Doesn't matter what other people think Flowers

3timeslucky · 01/04/2019 16:54

No it isn't wrong. You do what is right for you and you don't have to discuss, explain or justify. You have lovely memories and you want to make more happy memories. Makes sense to me. I know when I'm gone I want my children to be happy. End of. When I go to my mum's grave I remember her funeral. When I'm not there I remember her life and who she was. I know which she'd like me to be thinking of. Flowers

KurriKurri · 01/04/2019 16:56

My Dad died 7 years ago - I've never visited his grave, and I doubt I will. In my mind the stone where his ashes are interred is just his remains - it is not him. He is in my my heart and my memory, he's with me all the time just as your Dad is.

Do what is comfortable for you - there aren't any rules about these sort of things. Graves are simply there to bring comfort to the living if they want to visit. if the idea doesn't bring you comfort, don't do it.
My Brother died 35 years ago and I've never visited his grave either. Neither has my sister - neither of us want to, although we both loved them and miss them hugely. I'd rather look at photos of them, and hold memories of them when they were alive

notacooldad · 01/04/2019 16:56

So.e people find solace in being at a graveside and remembering their times others prefer to do something else to bring those memories back.
Everyone should do what makes them happy.

BlueJava · 01/04/2019 16:59

I'm sorry for your loss, that is very hard, especially whilst you were ill too. I don't think it would be wrong to not visit your Dad's grave - you have to do what you think is right for you and everyone is different. Remember that you will always carry precious memories of him with you wherever you go.

Purpleartichoke · 01/04/2019 16:59

I have never once visited someone’s grave and I have no intention of ever doing so. I have attended graveside services because that is what was arranged, but I never return.

You don’t need to go to his grave unless you feel that it would be valuable
To you.

SnapesGreasyHair · 01/04/2019 17:00

I don't feel the need to visit my Dad's grave. I think about him everyday.

RickOShay · 01/04/2019 17:04

My mum died 24 years ago, I couldn’t bring myself to visit her grave for about 10 years. I couldn’t bear to see her name on a gravestone.
I go regularly now, and find it comforting. Don’t go until you are ready.Flowers

Original poster
Baywatch46 · 01/04/2019 17:04

Thank you so very much for your kind words, and it's certainly made me feel better about it 😊

OP posts:
Reddragonqueen · 01/04/2019 17:06

I don't visit grave and I've told my mum when she dies I won't visit hers. They're not happy places. If I'm missing someone I go somewhere nice for a walk and think about them. Yanbu

Original poster
Baywatch46 · 01/04/2019 17:11

I'm so happy I'm not on my own with this, and I do want to make some more lovely memories with my daughters wedding and not sad ones. I know my dad will be there in spirit which is all I need.

OP posts:
Accountant222 · 01/04/2019 19:19

I used to visit my Dads grave regularly, until my totally bat shit Mother put her second husband in with him !!

Second husband was cremated so we had no idea she'd arranged for the ashes to go in, it was only when the grave stone went missing we found out. No one I've ever met thinks this is normal behaviour.

When I worked in a big office and we were quiet, my colleagues would say, tell us some stories about your Mother.

moita · 01/04/2019 19:31

Accountant - bloody hell Shock

OP My DH nevet visits his dad's grave. He adored him and we talk about him but he doesn't feel the need. Don't feel bad.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2019 19:36

This is the reason both my parents were cremated and scattered in places that meant the world to them. The grave is symbolic, please don’t feel bad about not going there. 💐

Happilyacceptingcookies · 01/04/2019 19:37

No you don't have to visit his grave, you have to do what is right and meaningful for you. I visit my dads grave occasionally but he is in my heart, my memories, my words, my dreams, my thinking. That is him and that is where he is now.

Original poster
Baywatch46 · 01/04/2019 22:44

That's awful Accountant- hell thats strange 😮

Ive spent the last 4 months agonising over it since he died because this is possibly the only time I will go back to Cyprus for my daughters wedding. I don't think any of us will go back because now there is no reason to with my Dad gone. I talk to him everyday and I feel he is with me where ever I am. I think it's because I couldn't go to his funeral everyone has expected me to go. I just don't think I could ever handle it and it's not the last memory I want to see.

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 01/04/2019 22:48

I was unable to attend my dad's funeral and I haven't been to his grave. He is so ingrained in so much of who I am there is no need he is and always will be in my heart x

Warpdrive · 01/04/2019 22:50

My DM arranged for my DF to be buried with her parents, assuming she would also go in same plot. Then she remarried. Not sure where the new husband will end up because it seems inappropriate to put him in with the rest of them.
She has arranged for her ashes to be left to me with instructions I’m to put her with my DF and her parents. 😮 that’s gonna be awkward if she goes first!

OP don’t go if you don’t want to. Follow your instincts.

Gertie75 · 01/04/2019 22:55

Firstly sorry to hear about your Dad, I lost mine suddenly too and it's truly awful.

I'd say don't over think it, it's fine not to go but also you may find once you're there you feel like you really do want to go as he's so close, there's no right or wrong answer it's what feels right to you.

My Dad's ashes are in my mum's wardrobe, she finds real comfort from them being there and talks to them whereas I don't have any connection to them, it's not upsetting but it doesn't feel like they're him.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 01/04/2019 22:55

I don't visit my Dad's grave. I went once after the funeral to where his ashes are interred with his parents, just to check the plaque had been put up, but I don't feel the need to visit when I'm home. He's with me in other ways and for me a grave isn't somewhere to remember the actual person. It doesn't bring my happiness and good memories, it makes me maudlin and cross. If it doesn't work for you don't go. I don't think it's unusual.

Leefygreen · 01/04/2019 23:07

My dad died when I was a child, his ashes were scattered in this beautiful cemetery. I hated visiting it though, my thoughts were always "well he's not really there though is he?". My mum passed away last year, she's in the same place but I've yet to bring myself to visit

Evilspiritgin · 01/04/2019 23:11

I go now and again to my grandparents grave, to be fair I’m a bit weird and like wandering around graveyards and wondering about the people buried (not recent graves) but I haven’t been to my dh grave in years

Haworthia · 01/04/2019 23:15

It’s OK not to visit.

I don’t visit my Grandad’s grave. I loved him so much, but he isn’t there. I have memories and I have some of his trinkets around the house. That’s how I remember him.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 01/04/2019 23:15

I've never visited my father's grave and now I live a long way away so likely never will. He isn't there anyway.

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