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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed over scan pictures

74 replies

Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 21:33

So long story short I don't have the best relationship with ILs and have been advised to go lc/nc on here before.

Currently 29 weeks pregnant. Had a hard time with pregnancy as I've lost two this past year. Sil asked if she could share our scan pic on fb and we said no please don't (twice). Tonight I see she has shared it as part of a happy Mother's Day post to mil. :-(

AIBU to be a bit upset? I've messaged her asking her to please remove it.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/03/2019 22:40

OP YANBU.

Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 22:42

I don't know if she did think or not...but I wish she had been more thoughtful of our feelings especially as we had said not to share twice. She also has had it printed off into a frame for her mum but I've decided to just ignore that!

Yes people still do the whole fb thing and I agree I find it cringe worthy. Sorry if anyone likes this! I just feel like I'd rather say it in a private message rather than 'for likes' on social media. SIL is very into sharing on fb so maybe this is why she can't see my issue on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 22:43

I also (tbf) have not told her our reasons for not wanting things shared but I didn't think I'd have to justify asking her not to share my personal scans!

OP posts:
Orangecookie · 31/03/2019 22:43

Yanbu but I would not react to this. I’d instead take her off your WhatsApp group or just withdraw from it subtly and not share anything on it. Be wary in the future. They won’t change probably. But you can to protect yourself.

Sympathies. I’d always got on with ILs. With previous partners. Not this ones, they are awful and yet intrusive. The absolute worst combination. Steer well clear of your SIL mine is toxic too. She’d order my life for me.

Missingstreetlife · 31/03/2019 22:51

Stop sharing every detail of your life.

PanamaPattie · 31/03/2019 22:53

WhatsApp is just the same as Facebook. Remove yourself from all social media. SIL will continue to share everything with her Mother. The only way to stop this is to get off SM. SIL won't change. It will get worse when the baby is born. Cut them off now.

burritofan · 31/03/2019 22:57

She also has had it printed off into a frame for her mum
That is seriously bonkers. You can't give someone else's internal medical images as a gift! Ask her if she's got some old dental X-rays you can give to your mum.

Definitely remove yourself from the WhatsApp and think very carefully about sharing any photos once the baby arrives – maybe watermark any you share with SIL with the words "crazy".

cestlavielife · 31/03/2019 23:07

Maybe in future dont send a real scan pic of your actual scan.....if you really want to send a scan pic then download one from Google images and say "we got our scan today! Baby is looking good! P.s. This isnt the real one by the way we are keeping that just for us"

You could also send sil a stock newborn pic from Google images when baby is born. .... again say " baby is born ! Just like this one! ""You 'll see actual baby in real life soon !"

That should stop her....

Bibijayne · 31/03/2019 23:12

Time for an infodiet for SIL. No more pregnancy updates.

Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 23:12

@cestlavielife ha that made me laugh! They already think I'm ott about privacy so this would actually tip them over the edge 😂😂

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 31/03/2019 23:13

Does she have children of her own? Such a weird, intrusive thing to do. I’m a bit confused, though. Sharing the photo on Facebook, printing it out and framing it for her Mum; didn’t you give your MIL a copy yourself or did you just share it with your SIL?

TurquoiseDress · 31/03/2019 23:14

YANBU

That's just weird behaviour, especially as you had told her not to already!

Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 23:14

@Bibijayne yes I'd already been providing minimal info and now it just got a lot less! That's the biggest laugh they know nothing about this pregnancy really...I had a scare a few weeks ago that we didn't tell them about. We sent them the scan pic when we got it but that's it. They message constantly asking how everything is to which they get a generic all good etc!

OP posts:
Tinyteatime · 31/03/2019 23:16

Honestly I couldn’t get worked up over this. It was a scan without your details on, the same as every other scan ever taken. They all look the same. No one else will know it was yours (unless she tagged you in on it?). Save yourself the bother and let it go.

Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 23:16

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks sorry for the confusion we sent it on WhatsApp which has me, dh, mil, fil, sil and bil. This is the first grandchild, sil is single and bil is still at uni so no upcoming chance of other gc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 23:18

@Tinyteatime was definitely clearly ours as caption said about mil becoming a granny (we are the only ones who would be giving her that atm) and it was next to a pic of dh and I. I'm trying not to be bothered but it's mainly the lack of respect for our wishes. I'm aware some people wouldn't be bothered though 😊

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 31/03/2019 23:18

Oh, right. Even weirder that she felt she had to re share. I’d keep her at arms length when the baby is actually here...

Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 23:22

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks I think it was meant to be in a look how much mil loves her family way 🤨 which is odd as we barely speak to them and see them max 3 times a year! They are very much into the outward show of a close family when actually the relationship is fairly bad !

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 31/03/2019 23:23

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks I say that because we (dh and I) were also in the collage including our wedding pics. Mil didn't speak to us on our wedding day or in the two months that followed as she didn't approve of me 🤨😳 honestly I have to laugh as otherwise I think I'd have a melt down!

Definitely taking an even bigger step back before my baby comes and gets involved in all this crap!

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LittlePaintBox · 31/03/2019 23:51

We have a family member who does this sort of thing. Someone has described it as 'harvesting' reactions from other people. They're so keen to get likes, or sympathy, or whatever, all thought of anyone else's feelings just doesn't enter their heads.

So now, this person hears very little family news until it's quite stale. It's very sad not to be able to share news openly, but I'm just not willing to see it on someone else's FB feed as their news.

Sharing a scan image is very strange, though - how can she not see how personal that is?

notangelinajolie · 31/03/2019 23:53

Google - first of all congratulations Flowers

But in all honesty you need to stop being so sharey in the first place. Don't put stuff out there that you don't want passing on. Once you have posted a picture or shared information it really is out of your hands.

Move on and treat this as a lesson learned.

Original poster
Googleditanditsnotgood · 01/04/2019 06:51

Thanks :-) I can honestly say I didn't think I was sharing too much with the scan pic as that's pretty much all we have told them about pregnancy. They ask how it's going and we say fine etc but that's it. I thought I could trust they would respect our wishes or at least not be daft enough to burn their very little remaining bridge! Obviously I have learnt my lesson and have taken everyone's points on board ! :-)

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speakout · 01/04/2019 06:56

I am surprised you shared your scan photo.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/04/2019 07:11

I think you are overreacting tbh. It was on a collage on a group chat that can only be seen by you, your dh, and the ILs? If so, then everyone in that chat already knows you are Pg. She is excited - first neice/nephew and grandchild. I think you have to judge behaviour by the motivation behind it and it seems there is no malice here.
When you have a baby, you presumably want these people to love him/her and be invested. So you have to let them. If you flip out over a tiny thing, you are going to hate it when they do things differently to you when the baby is actually here. But the truth is, you do have to let little, non harmful things go if you want to foster a good relationship between them and your child. If you make it too hard, they will back off and respect your position as the parent and 'in charge', but it will cost your child a comfortable, easy relationship with people who are their family too.

burritofan · 01/04/2019 07:14

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds You've misread what's happened. OP shared the scan pic on a private group chat. SIL made a collage on Facebook despite being asked twice not to share the scan pic.