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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL Funeral

28 replies

19lottie82 · 31/03/2019 17:57

My FIL is ill and the doctors think he has a couple of weeks left, at most.

He’s not a very nice man and I haven’t spoken to him in around 5 years, due to how he’s treated my DH and I.

I could write a 20 page of list of all the horrible stuff he’s done but there’s not really any point.

So my question is, do I go to the funeral to support my DH? He will be looking after his mum anyway (who I don’t speak to either because of FIL) and his two older teen DDs will be there.

Part of me thinks I should go to support DH but the other part of me would feel like a total hypocrite.

OP posts:
YesILikeItToo · 31/03/2019 17:59

Yes, going to support your husband is an entirely appropriate reason to go. It doesn’t involve any hypocrisy whatsoever.

WWWWicked · 31/03/2019 18:01

At the time, ask your DH what he wants.

Given that you don’t speak to his mother, your DH may actually prefer it if you stay away.

Italia2005 · 31/03/2019 18:02

I’ve attended several funerals to support my Mother, my daughter, a friend and several to support my Partner. Set your personal feelings aside and go to support your husband and other family members. You don’t have to be and won’t be a hypocrite. It’s what we do for the benefit of the others, you don’t have to ‘honour’ the person who died.

OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 18:02

Yes, I think you should go.
It's a mark of respect, even if it's only respecting the fact that you and he weren't friendly and putting that behind you.

luckylavender · 31/03/2019 18:02

Up to your DH, but could seem hypocritical to me.

Sexnotgender · 31/03/2019 18:03

You go if your husband wants you there.

ILoveMyCaravan · 31/03/2019 18:03

Yes you should go to support your DH. There doesn't need to be any other reasons. Whatever difficulties you had with FIL, he'll be dead, so it becomes irrelevant.

DramaAlpaca · 31/03/2019 18:04

Go to the funeral to support your DH. It's for his benefit, nobody else's, and doesn't make you a hypocrite.

FartersDay · 31/03/2019 18:04

Up to dh but I think your mil would find it disrespectful. I wouldn't want someone coming to my husband's funeral that wasnt speaking to us. Though I do understand you had good reason to not be around him.

Genderwitched · 31/03/2019 18:04

completely up to your DH and his mother

littlecabbage · 31/03/2019 18:05

I would absolutely ask your DH what he wants, and do that.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 31/03/2019 18:06

Ask your DH what he would prefer and do that.

Taneartagam · 31/03/2019 18:08

Funerals are for the living not the dead so respect the wishes of your dh.

Floralnomad · 31/03/2019 18:10

I agree with asking your partner what he would like you to do , particularly as you don’t speak to his mum as she may not want you there . I am NC with my inlaws and when FIL died I asked dh wanted he wanted me to do and he was happy to go with our dc ( who were old enough to make their own decision ) .

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 31/03/2019 18:11

Agree with pp; whatever your dh wants and consider your mil too. Would she rather you weren’t there?

I remember my (admittedly rather odd) auntie getting (drunk and) upset at my nana’s funeral because a woman who did not get on with my nana when she was alive turned up. My aunt felt as if the woman was there to gloat Sad.

Drum2018 · 31/03/2019 18:14

I wouldn't. Did your Dh have a good relationship with him? Has he a good relationship with his mother? If he feels the need to go to support his mother then so be it but I wouldn't be a hypocrite and go when you haven't spoken to the deceased in 5 years.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 31/03/2019 18:17

Hi OP. I went to my father's funeral to support my mother. My father wasn't interested in any of his children and had never had a conversation with any of us. My DB was the most upset about this. My DF refused to acknowledge my DD for six years, because my ex left me and DF didn't want a single mother associated with him.

However! It meant that we didn't have any real loss of our own and were able to give our full support to DM. She has, of course, rewritten history but I can deal with that. Someone said above that funerals are for the living, not the dead and I completely agree.

BlueMerchant · 31/03/2019 18:20

Ask DH. It's his call really.

TomorrowsDiet · 31/03/2019 18:26

I think have your own fun day. No need to cloud it over by going to an asshole’s funeral.

I’m already planning a manicure and bottle of champagne for when DH’s stepmother dies. Can’t stand the witch. She’s only just turned 60, so probably a while to go...shall obviously pretend to be poorly so that DC and BIL/SIL don’t know my true feelings 😂

Serin · 31/03/2019 18:28

I wouldn't go out of respect for mother in laws feelings.
You dont get on. The funeral of her husband is not the place to reappear in her life.
I wouldn't go bit would try to build bridges with her later on.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/03/2019 18:30

I'd consider it as it's for the living to say goodbye, not for the dead persons benefit. You can still say goodbye to someone you don't like. However I'd ask your husband what he and his mum want

Original poster
19lottie82 · 31/03/2019 19:02

I think yes, the correct thing to do will be to ask my DH when the time comes.
I don’t think my MIL would be bothered one way or another if I was there or not.
I didn’t have a first relationship with FIL or anything like that, I just went totally NC when it became apparent what a horrible man he was.
MIL isn’t a bad person, she’s just been with him for 50 years + and is totally controlled by him / would never go against his wishes. It’s quite sad really.

OP posts:
Original poster
19lottie82 · 31/03/2019 19:03

First? fiery

OP posts:
LeesPostersAreInFrames · 31/03/2019 19:12

Agree with the others. I'm assuming you have the self control to not be upsetting to his mother and that you can keep your mouth firmly glued shut if anybody makes a comment about him being a "wonderful father and grandfather" or whatever.

I think that even if you had a troubled time with somebody, there's value in doing something to mark their passing, as a way of closing the door. The man you love wouldn't be here if it wasn't for FIL's "sperm donation", if nothing else.

iVampire · 31/03/2019 19:14

I think you should go (unless DH objects).

It seems you have nothing against MiL who you think was controlled and ground down by a man you despised.

His death changes everything for her. I don’t think this is a good time to be in no/low contact