To think lack of money effects relationships?

[pansydansy]

Dh and I have happened to accumulate debt.

Loan, tax credit overpayment and a. Purple of pay day loans.

Money's tight and we have a 5&2 year old. Once bills, rent and food is bought there's not much left for anything else.

It's really affecting our relationship. Dh works long hours and is self employed. Before the debt we had money, and had days trips out with the kids and weekends away by ourselves and were happy. Now we argue all the time. Dh likes to de stress by going to his mates to watch football or just chill out with them. Which means I'm at home 90 of the week, the weekends roll into the weeks and it's making me so depressed. My friends lives 30 miles away so it's not like I can just pop out to see them. So I spend all my time at home.

Dh asked me if I mind es him going to watch the football at his friends. I reminded him that it's Mother's Day and since it's a nice day we should take the girls out for a walk and park, he got arsey and said he shouldn't have to feel like a bad person for wanting to do something for hisself since he works all week. I get that but it's the weekend and supposedly my day off. He did get up with the girls this morning while I had a lie in but I just feel like I'm practically a single mum doing it all by myself.

I know deep down the money problems are causing all these arguments and it just makes me so sad because we used to be so close and now it feels like we're drifting apart and he'd rather be out forgetting about all these issues.

What was the point in him asking if you mind, then getting arsey about it when you pointed out it was mother's day.

Did he actually do anything for you today as the mother of his DC?

Back to your question...I do believe a lack of money can definitely affect a relationship. It's the cause of many divorces.

This is the point @SandyY2K we got into a massive argument when he got arsey and said "I'm going and I'll be back in a couple of hours, I don't see what your problem is" I said well what's the point in asking if I mind if you've already decided your going?

I've said some awful things to him and I think this could be the end of us now. There just doesn't feel like there's anything to sacrifice.

We rarely have fun or have time to ourselves. If he's home he's asleep straight after he's put the kids to bed. I'm then sat on my own until I drag myself to bed. I feel like he likes to go out because he doesn't want to be at home and reminded of the crap life we're living atm.

Yes, I believe it does.

Money may not buy happiness but it buys relief from the daily stress of worrying about bills. Or that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you put one of those envelopes on the floor.

It's effecting our sexual relationship too. Because of the way he is atm I don't fancy him. I know that sounds odd but it's true. I've been asking him to cut the grass for 2 weeks and he hasn't. And I keep thinking to myself " if he would just do the things I ask of him I'd be so hot for him right now" 🙈 instead I go to be with grudges. That's not healthy in itself but I just can't help it. And because of that we haven't had sex in 5 weeks 😬

Not sacrifice I meant salvage 🤦🏻‍♀️

You usually find the ones who say that money doesn’t affect things are the ones who have either never lived with a proper tight budget or it was so long ago they forget just how stressful it really was.
When money is tight there is never a truely relaxes moment, even more so when you add children in.
Is there any chance that they could reassess your overpayment repayment?

OP check out that tax credit overpayment. I've read about a lot of letters going out that say people were overpaid by thousands and they weren't. Just a thought in case.

The financial situation sounds stressful, but it sounds like the main problem is that your DH is taking much more of his fair share of leisure time and what money you do have.

Have you seen an advisory service together about addressing the debt?

Yes, there's no doubt it can cause until problems.

Money gives far more lifestyle choices.

How many hours do you work by comparison?

Yes it does. Severely.

We’ve just gone thought six months of hell because our business nearly went under. It’s put a massive strain on us but we’re both clinging on.

I get the sex drive thing too.

If you dont want to split up you’ve got to try a pull together, to to see the bigger picture of what life will be like when your back on your feet.

He needs to wake up to the fact that his actions scare seriously making the situation worse so you need to have a serious chat.

Have you looked at any debt solutions? An IVA is a great idea and could possibly wipe of a lot of it whilst reducing your debt payments.

How many hours do you work?

Of course having money would make things easier; as would having closer friends. If you're both working all you can; you're doing something about the former. Are you doing anything about the latter?

Thank you I'll look into about getting the overpayment looked at again.

He doesn't spend money when he's out he's just at friends houses. Which is fine but i don't go anywhere. He says this is t he's fault and that I should make more of an effort t see mine, like I said they live over 30 miles away and that's just money wasted on fuel.

@Loopytiles I've got to do an expenditure form for cab. Hopefully they will be able to help us.

I kind of think he blames me for not working. But we could no way afford childcare and we don't qualify for child funding. I've said about getting an evening job but he gets home at different times every night.

Logic would tell you that divorce rates would be higher in high dual earning couples because they can most easily afford to leave. And yet, the exact opposite is true. Money is a huge source of stress in life and thus relationships.

Think there are specialist, free debt services - have seen them mentioned on other threads.

From talking to my friends I would say it's the single biggest problem in relationships, mine included at times.

Money gives you choice. When you're limited in choice it can affect you very much. Weekends are not fun if you're sat in the house with no money ( not us but people I know ) and dc asking for stuff they can't afford etc. I'm grateful that we do have a nice life and don't go without but aren't exactly comfortable and we have no savings at all.

Is there anything you could sell back to help pay off the debt?

Sounds to me like he’s stressing about money, working long hours then not wanting to deal with the family situation at home, because he thinks of you as being default parent as you’re not working. You’re stressing because he’s working long hours and leaving you at home with the little ones, which I’m turn is probably making you feel like all you do is parent, and without his support is probably making you feel quite lonely.

Is there any way of you doing a few evening hours a couple times a week? The debt isn’t going to go away but you could chip away at it?

Could you consolidate your debt? Lower outgoings?

Sending hugs 💕

I imagine he feels a lot of responsibility being the sole wage earner I disagree with you that you can't work you could get an evening job if money is that tight

But yes I agree with you I am the higher earner and my husband has been having some health issues this year which has meant that he has not been at work for probably 50% of the time and he doesn't get paid sick pay it's had a massive impact on finances and what we can do but we just need to keep going and cut our cloth accordingly

Just saw your update surely he could commit to a defined home time to allow you to work if it would help?

We have a very strong relationship and have been together for years through thick and thin but yes limited money was a big test for us. Our personalities play a big part in this, we like holidays, eating out, doing things etc and all this costs money, we are happier when we are able to do these things and do take the time to do them by ourselves for couple time. When we had more limited money and less able to do these things we both got frustrated at the tedium of life and wanted more, it's hard for that not to impact a relationship. That said, we were very good at pushing each other to get to where we wanted to be to earn more money.

@Zoflorabore we used to have such a comfortable life. But then everything piled up on us, and it's shocking just how fast you finances spiral out of control. Once we get back on our feet I'll never take it for granted again.

@Rainsunshine we have nothing to Sell unfortunately everything we have we need or we've sold to tide us over.

4 years ago the roles were reversed and it was me working full time while he was laid off and trying to set up his business. He did the stay at home parenting for a while and said he couldn't wait to get back to work. He forgets all that. He forgets how awful you feel when your not bringing anything to the table.

@Figgygal he's home anytime between 6-10pm in the evenings. I've tried to get evening work but I don't know when he'll be home 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree that money definitely causes stress in relationships but the examples you've given are about your DP not being considerate, not pulling his weight and not engaging with you as a partner, all of which are free. Even if you were wealthy those things would cause issues. It's easy to blame everything on money but it's also about his attitude.

Could you get a job on the weekend? I know that means you'll spend less time together, but you need the money.

Or some pt night work in a factory on a temporary basis.

I think you need to talk and tell him you can see how the lack of money is affecting the relationship and you want to look at earning some money.

Do you have parents/family who could help out one or two days a week?