To think lack of money effects relationships?

[pansydansy]

Dh and I have happened to accumulate debt.

Loan, tax credit overpayment and a. Purple of pay day loans.

Money's tight and we have a 5&2 year old. Once bills, rent and food is bought there's not much left for anything else.

It's really affecting our relationship. Dh works long hours and is self employed. Before the debt we had money, and had days trips out with the kids and weekends away by ourselves and were happy. Now we argue all the time. Dh likes to de stress by going to his mates to watch football or just chill out with them. Which means I'm at home 90 of the week, the weekends roll into the weeks and it's making me so depressed. My friends lives 30 miles away so it's not like I can just pop out to see them. So I spend all my time at home.

Dh asked me if I mind es him going to watch the football at his friends. I reminded him that it's Mother's Day and since it's a nice day we should take the girls out for a walk and park, he got arsey and said he shouldn't have to feel like a bad person for wanting to do something for hisself since he works all week. I get that but it's the weekend and supposedly my day off. He did get up with the girls this morning while I had a lie in but I just feel like I'm practically a single mum doing it all by myself.

I know deep down the money problems are causing all these arguments and it just makes me so sad because we used to be so close and now it feels like we're drifting apart and he'd rather be out forgetting about all these issues.

@Figgygal sorry I didn't see that you saw my previous post.

The time his home depends where he has been working that day.

Could he book jobs closer to home on those days if you found something? Or generally booked jobs a bit nearer? Or start earlier?

Maybe invite his mates to yours once he has the babies in bed if he still wants some downtime after working?

Yes it does.

As do young children - we had that combination as well.

If your not having family time as weekend - possibly see what jobs are around then and he can have the kids?

he's home anytime between 6-10pm in the evenings. I've tried to get evening work but I don't know when he'll be home

I had that issue - my IL suggested nights but getting to night jobs was an issue with no car - and buying a running a car was a cost we didn't want plus I didn't think I'd cope with no sleep and looking after kids all day though knew a few mothers who did manage that though it clearly wasn't ideal.

The ' money doesn't buy happiness' mantra is really flawed. It may not ( and it cant buy personal good health) but it can ' buy' a mind free from the stress of the bills and how to pay the never-ending bills. I know I'll be ' flamed' but that saying does annoy me.

I'm sorry your having such a hard time of it.
I hope things improve but lack of cash does make life harder and it's even more difficult with children.
Some good advice on here.

CAB are crap at dealing with debt. They are not trained enough in debt management and can offer give wrong advice.

STEPCHANGE is s charity are qualified in debt management

@Amongstthetallgrass we've tried step change. They said they can't help us because he's self employed.

Please talk to an impartial company about the debt.

We have been there. Shit tonnes of debt and then a letter from tax credits saying we have been over played and wont be receiving any more payments for a certain amount of time. It was actually the push we needed to talk to company and sort us out. We now have everything frozen and pay back a set amount each month and they split it over the company's for us. We have been doing it for maybe 2/3 years. There have been hard times but nothing compared to before. We do still have another 7 years until it played of but we have both had good pay rises In those last few years and have chosen to use that money for savings & holidays instead of paying it off quicker.

Anyway sorry for blabbing on. You both need to sit down and sort it out. Yes money affects relationships. X

Played - paid

Pansydansy ...You are bring a huge amount to the table. Full time childcare is extremely hard work. You are both parents so it's both your responsibility. Of course it's sometimes more convenient to have one working and one sahp when work patterns and childcare costs make 2 workers impossible but never doubt that you are bringing your half to the table. I know plenty people who say that their days at work are less hard and stressful than their days of childcare.

These years are very hard and I well remember them. Not just the sheer relentlessness of just working and childcare to pay bills with no fun/special occasions ext but the impact this can have on self esteem.

I was the first in the family on both sides to have a baby and be therefore broke. Even our parents seemed to see us as somehow how 'less' always impressed by what others were doing. It could feel very isolating at times.

Hang on in there...it isn't forever. When the first child is at school and the other has free nursery part time work might be more accessible and you will at least have more quality free time for yourself.

In the meantime ...don't allow your partner to make you feel less. Going for a walk is free... a zumba class ext is very cheap...so is a coffee in town. You are entitled to some quality free time and it would help you feel better about yourself. Be ready at the weekends with something you want to do and go and do it. Your op will appreciate you a whole lot more when he has spent Saturday afternoon on his own with the kids rather than leaving you in that position while he's around his mates.

Its not unreasonable for him to have this inexpensive free time some of the time ...but not all of the time ...show him by your actions that you matter as well.

Presumably he only works 5 or 6 days per week? Please try and get yourself a weekend job even if it's just one 5 hour shift. The money will help and you would feel better for having something outside of the house.

What's his business? Could he earn more money if he worked for someone else? Those working hours sound really tough and no wonder he's tired. Is there any way he could commit to coming home on time three evenings a week so that you could go to work?

We have a reduced income now, due to a loss, plus my job being reduced from 3 days to 2. I am job hunting. The loss of money has been awful for Dh and I, affected our relationship very badly, so I do understand. I think people underestimate how damaging it is.

What about weekend work?

Absolutely. Lack of money is a constant source of stress. Living week to week, not doing fun things like going out for dinner, going overseas etc. I think it’s a strong couple who can get through poverty and still be really happy.

I'm not sure that you working evenings or weekends is going to improve your overall level of happiness even though it will help alleviate some of the financial pressure. I say this because it sounds like you both are pretty much already maxed out with you looking after two small DC and him working such long hours. If you are already finding that tough then adding yet another commitment of another job to the mix could be enough to push you both over the edge. As important that it is to get yourself back on an even keel financially, you have to factor in how another job would affect your mental health and overall sense of well-being as a family. Suggesting working nights and running on zero sleep when looking after young children could destroy you, detriment your relationship even further mad be seriously unsafe so do think these things through.

For what it's worth I think that the better solution could be looking at the balance you have in your relationship. Is your unhappiness rooted in the fact you can't afford things or that your DH seems to have unilaterally decided that he needs more leisure time than you at the weekend so can effectively opt out of parenting? I am a SAHM to similar aged children and it's relentless and so hard. He needs to realise you both are equally deserving of some head space and relaxation time. I know on MN and IRL unpaid work such as childcare is undervalued and assumed to be easy but it grinds you down and you are human and deserving of a break.