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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how life goes back to normal

36 replies

FrequentFlyer96 · 31/03/2019 14:41

I live overseas. Recently returned home at short notice to spend time with one of my parents in their final days. It was a long illness but the end still felt like it came too soon and it was a traumatic, drawn out process. I travelled alone, without DH and my very young DCs. Flew in, got through everything, led on arrangements for the funeral and then flew back ‘home’ overseas straight away. Now I’m back it feels very odd, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to just slot back into life as though nothing has happened. I think being physically far away meant that DH (who has never been through this) doesn’t quite understand what I have been through. I feel quite numb. Due back to work soon but can’t imagine myself just walking in and pretending all is fine. any words of advice from those who have dealt with something similar?

OP posts:
MrsCasares · 31/03/2019 15:14

Didn’t want to leave your post unanswered. Just take one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself.

Sorry for your loss.

Eminado · 31/03/2019 15:16

So sorry for your loss.

TheGodmother · 31/03/2019 15:21

I'm so sorry for your loss and have been through similar experience but can't offer any advice except that time is a great healer. Maybe look up the 5 stages of grief to help you through the process. Thanks

AdultHuman · 31/03/2019 15:26

We are all swimming around together, you are grieving and others are oblivious or interested in other things.

At work you are compensated for your time and the contract is to be profitable there.

During your leisure time you are entitled to spend as long as you need to come to terms with a huge life change.

If people are there for you or not (for whatever reason) is something you can't change, you can be kind to yourself.

Flowers
maddiemookins16mum · 31/03/2019 15:26

Just take little steps. Literally one day at a time. I found going back to work gave me some ‘normality’ in my totally turned upside down world and gave my mind something else to focus on to help my sanity really, as otherwise I just became overwhelmed by it all.

Original poster
FrequentFlyer96 · 31/03/2019 16:57

Thanks for all the replies.
I am wondering if work might be a good distraction but somehow it seems odd to go back as though nothing has happened, even though I know that probably makes no sense at all.

I guess it’s probably a case of more generally accepting that the world doesn’t stop for anyone but just keeps turning. Hopefully time will heal.

Being in a different country brings a whole additional dimension to this situation, though. Can’t outrun the sadness by escaping thousands of miles away.

OP posts:
AdultHuman · 31/03/2019 16:59

Be Kind and gentle with yourself, you sound like you are in shock.Flowers

DisplayPurposesOnly · 31/03/2019 17:09

Agree you sound like you're in shock. Does your company have an employee assistance programme that you could tap into? It sounds like a neutral sympathetic ear would be helpful.

Time is a great healer - but healing isn't a neat linear process. There will be days when it's one step forward, two steps back.

Semtix · 31/03/2019 17:49

My mother has just recently passed away, after a short and unexpected illness. I’ve not been brave enough to speak to anyone about grief counselling yet, but I think it’s definitely a good idea if you can easily access it. One thing I have found helpful is the Griefcast, it’s a podcast about grief, each episode they have a different comedian talking about someone they’ve lost and how they handled it. It’s been so useful to hear that all the feelings I’m having are normal, and that others have gone through the same thing. I really recommend it. And as previous posters says, be kind to yourself, if you need time off or time on your own then take it!

Original poster
FrequentFlyer96 · 31/03/2019 18:09

Semtix thanks for the podcast recommendation, l will have a search for it now.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 31/03/2019 18:53

DH will not 'get it' if it has not happened to him. Not his fault, but just a statement of fact.
Be kind to yourself and go back when you feel ready. It can be a big deal if you had a good relationship.
Some people stay off ages, I didn't have that option, and just worked through it. It did actually help me, but I was only PT not FT.
Think of it as a life completed rather than a life ended. Important difference.
Flowers

IrenetheQuaint · 31/03/2019 18:55

It's horrid and your feelings are quite normal. Do you have any friends who have lost parents who you could talk to? IME it really helped to talk to people who had experienced the same thing.

Lea1437 · 31/03/2019 18:59

I found that time doesn't so much heal to the point of getting over the loss but it does provide a new 'normal' eventually. Thinking of you OP x

Goldmandra · 31/03/2019 19:03

My father died two weeks ago and his funeral was on Wednesday.

I returned to work briefly before the funeral and then again the day after it.

Some lovely colleagues supported and acknowledged my loss in their own way. Some by asking about him, some by asking about me, one or two just by offering a hug.

It was hard to go back because I couldn't imagine doing it in advance but actually doing it was easier than I expected. I just walked in, said "Good morning" to people and got on with my work. It felt normal and OK.

It helps me that I have to just get on with normal life. It's what he would have wanted me to do so I don't have to feel guilty about not thinking about him all the time.

It takes me by surprise of course. Like this morning when I didn't have to set a place at the table for him at our Mother's Day lunch. I allow myself those moments because they're important and then I carry on because there isn't really another option.

I think once you get back and into work, it will be easier than you anticipated. It's OK for it to be easier than you expected. It doesn't mean you care any less. You have to do what it takes to survive and to keep life as normal as possible for your children.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 31/03/2019 19:08

Like this morning when I didn't have to set a place at the table for him at our Mother's Day lunch

This actually brought a tear to my eye. Am so sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
FrequentFlyer96 · 31/03/2019 19:18

Thanks for all your helpful replies and I am sorry for your losses too Flowers
I’m grateful for your advice as my parent died relatively young so I’m the first amongst my friendship group to experience this and I don’t have many places to turn to for wise words.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 31/03/2019 19:22

This actually brought a tear to my eye. Am so sorry for your loss

Thank you. Mine too at the time and again now. It helped my DD2(16) that she realised at the same time and we shared the sadness of that moment.

OP, I'm sorry that your parent died young. I'm sure that makes it harder Flowers

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2019 19:25

Sorry for your loss. Take each day at a time. It will get easier to deal with.

Semtix · 31/03/2019 19:29

My mum wasn’t that young (68) but was still working, still jetting off to far flung countries for conferences, and very much not someone you would ever expect to die so suddenly - two months from the first sign something was wrong until she passed away. I took three weeks off work, but I work for the same organisation that she did so they were extraordinarily understanding and I know most others wouldn’t necessarily be able to take that much time. I’ve done a lot of walking over the last couple of months, it gives me time to be alone with my thoughts and process things and I’ve found it really soothing to be out in nature. But everyone’s going to have a different way of dealing with things, and you need to find what you think works for you. Just remember that it’s ok not to be ok, and it’s also ok to be happy too!

Yekrats · 31/03/2019 19:31

I'm not sure life ever does "return to normal" after life changing events like this. But that isn't a bad thing. Grief hurts but it is better than not having had anyone to grieve for in the first place.
Life will forever be different, but not difficult forever.
Take care.

ForalltheSaints · 31/03/2019 19:33

Try to remember all the good times you had with your parent.

Goldmandra · 31/03/2019 19:46

Try to remember all the good times you had with your parent.

I can't speak for the OP but I'm not able to do that at the moment. It's too raw right now and just makes the loss seem more. I'm sure there will come a time when I'm able to do it and there will be plenty to look back on and smile.

ginghamtablecloths · 31/03/2019 19:55

Communication is a wonderful thing. Talk to your OH about how you feel numb and a bit lost. Hopefully he'll be willing to listen. You won't 'ping back to normal' straight away - grief isn't like that. Take your time.

Hazlenutpie · 31/03/2019 19:57

I've lost my mum, then my dad and sister within six months of each other. Grief is the price we pay for loving our family. Grief is different for everyone but generally we go through similar feelings. I would describe some of the feelings as like the sea. The grief comes in waves and some of the feelings are worse than others. Sometimes you think it's getting better then the waves get rough again. Unless you've experienced it you don't really understand, so don't be cross with your DH.

I got through things by taking my time. I tried to do plenty of normal stuff, in order to try and get some normality back into my life. I allowed myself to sob when I needed to, and be angry. I had some time off work because I just couldn't concentrate. My doctor was very good and signed me off. Eventually, I woke up one day and things didn't seem so bad. You don't really get over it but eventually you get used to what's happened. Flowers

StarlightIntheNight · 31/03/2019 20:00

It takes time. This is the most difficult part of life and it sucks. I had the same thing one year ago. Flew home over seas to be with my father, as he was ill. I spent the last few weeks with him in hospital and was with him when he died. It was traumatic and hard, but I am so glad I was there to try and comfort him the best I could. I still feel strong sometimes. As time goes on it does get better. But its such a hard part of life.

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