To wonder how life goes back to normal

[FrequentFlyer96]

I live overseas. Recently returned home at short notice to spend time with one of my parents in their final days. It was a long illness but the end still felt like it came too soon and it was a traumatic, drawn out process. I travelled alone, without DH and my very young DCs. Flew in, got through everything, led on arrangements for the funeral and then flew back ‘home’ overseas straight away. Now I’m back it feels very odd, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to just slot back into life as though nothing has happened. I think being physically far away meant that DH (who has never been through this) doesn’t quite understand what I have been through. I feel quite numb. Due back to work soon but can’t imagine myself just walking in and pretending all is fine. any words of advice from those who have dealt with something similar?

Forgot to mention, what helped bring joy back into my life, was we finally got a puppy. I had been planning with my DH for a couple years, but he always kept saying not know, later in the future, we are not ready etc. After my father passed, I said we are not waiting any more, I need some joy in my life, so we went and got our little happiness maker. That is what we all call her. She has brought such joy and love to our family. She gets me going outside for fresh air and exercise a few times a day, talking to others, all important part of life and getting through tough times. I understand not everyone can have a dog or wants a dog, but its about finding the little joys in life and keep reminding yourself about them to help get through the sadness.

So sorry to read this, lost my dad and felt the same. This is your new reality, go back to work, it will distract you but you'll get teary so excuse yourself and have a cry in the loo, anyone notice just explain your bereavement and say you need a moment, most people will understand. You don't get over a loss you learn to live with it xx

I'm sorry to read your sad news. My mum died about 7 weeks ago. I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid but I identify with how you're feeling. I have a very supportive husband who's been just amazing and my kids are fantastic as are my friends but here's something I've already learnt - no matter how much support you might have or how great the support might be, grief is a journey that you travel on alone. Nobody can help really because the relationship you had with your mum was unique. So you trudge on alone in many ways and just get through each day.

It's very hard

Starlight sadly it sounds like our experiences were very similar although I was only there for the final few days and he wasn’t conscious by then.
Sorry to hear about everyone’s losses, and glad to hear that it gets better - or easier to deal with - eventually.

@FrequentFlyer96 - I'm very sorry for your loss.

I live overseas and my father died suddenly and unexpectedly so when I went "home" it was to support my mum. My company were understanding about suddenly giving me 2 weeks holiday so that side was fine.

To be honest, nothing goes back to normal - you have a new normal. But you have to be kind to yourself and let your close friends / colleagues / DH know that it may not be easy for you or them.

Going back to work was ok, I did have a few moments though, and my colleagues were great at letting me know it was ok and to take my time.

The hardest things were the "big" days - birthday etc. But also the unexpected ones: if you see something and you think "oh dad will laugh at that" and then it hits you.

As others have said, be gentle to yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss
Just take it one day at a time for now , time is a great help
although I lost my parents a long time ago ( both quite young) 18 years on I still sometimes forget they are not there and think about ringing them for a chat

My dad died two years ago with me living in another country. I flew back for the funeral but felt useless and helpless with all the planning beforehand that I wasn't able to help with. It's an odd feeling..

Essentially OP it won't go back to 'normal'. Not the normal you knew before. But you'll find yourself a new normal, be kind to yourself and take the time to feel weird without rejecting it. I still have moments when it feels strange and overwhelming, but they're getting fewer and farther between as time goes on.

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand you.

So sorry, OP. It’s one of life’s hardest things to deal with and your world is irrevocably changed. Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to give in to the grief and take every day as it comes. It’s nearly four years since I lost both mine within six months and it took me a couple of years to feel normal again. 💐

Sorry for your loss @frequentflyer. I lost my dad earlier this year, and I still don’t feel ‘normal’ although I’m back doing some normal routines. We haven’t had the funeral yet, so I’m hoping that will give a bit of closure.

I’ve found being at work really helpful - it’s a bit of an escape from the grief as it keeps me busy/distracted. The rest of my time, my feelings come in waves. One minute I’m watching tv or eating happily with the kids, next minute I’m reminded by something and a wave of grief breaks over me. I guess I think you’ve just got to accept those waves and then get on with living.

Have you tried to explain to your DH?

frequentflyer I'm very sorry for your loss. My dad died last year and I went back to work the day after the funeral. Like you I was there at the end but he wasn't conscious, though I'm so glad I could be there for him and tell him how much I loved him.

Going back to work was actually OK as I was super busy and only 3 of my colleagues knew because I didn't want people feeling awkward; if someone had been nice I might had cried! But for me the distraction of silly gripes about the copier breaking down again and someone's lost the key to Room 119 again was actually quite welcome respite. I think I was on autopilot a lot but it got me through a really difficult time. Someone upthread said you don't get over it but you get used to it, and I think that's perhaps true. I found it helpful to speak to people who've been there - not one of my friends whose parents are still here have mentioned it, but I know I can talk to those who have lost a parent / sibling

My DM was killed in a car accident aged 69 two years ago. We'd both been away on holiday separately so I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks. Suddenly she was gone. No chance to prepare or say goodbye. I had to sell the house, wind up her estate and organise her funeral alongside running a home and day to day childcare etc. Then back to work three weeks later.
It still feels like a bad dream, until days like yesterday.
Look after yourself