My husband’s view of money isn’t the norm

[ShastaBeast]

I’m trying to get my husband to agree to declutter and I think he’s deflecting by attacking my money management. I look after our money as he finds it boring. I’m just trying to maximise our interest on the savings. He thinks most families keep accounts, categorising spending and forecasting etc and I should be doing this. I used to do this but now look at it at a higher level to ensure we are ok and tot up our savings. We save about £2k per month without cutting back so I don’t think we need tight controls and records over our outgoings. This is no stealth boast as we don’t have a family sized home and will struggle to afford to upgrade from our flat in this area.

The cause of the argument is he is hanging on to old computers which are falling apart or haven’t been used for several years. Each year he suggests spending his bonus on a new laptop and I encourage this. £2k on a laptop isn’t going to impact our life. This has been going on for at least five years.

We both have acted like we are poor in the past due to unexpected events, but we are flush now to an extent and can afford to enjoy our money, without micro managing it. I’ve started to relax but he’s still stuck in the poor student mindset. His dad is similar - hoarding and being tight.

I suspect most people don’t keep detailed accounts and forecasts for their family expenditure. And we are saving more than most people so don’t need to be so tight. Am I wrong?

We probably should be much tighter as we certainly are not flush. But lif is for living. I tried to write down what I was spending and got bored after 2 weeks.

I really struggle ro see how he's tight if he buys himself a two grand Laptop every twelve months, that shockingly extravagant and really not necessary,

You're saving more per month than many people earn and keeping to a budget is the only way some can survive month to month, nor do they have savings. There's nothing wrong with keeping old items if they still do the job but if he wants to spend his bonus on a laptop, let him.

@bluntness100 oh I read it as he doesn’t buy one every year, even though he needs one and the op encourages this spend!

We aren't tight for cash but I do manage money like he suggests, I have separate pots of money and have "forecasted" 2 years ahead, and even further for bigger things we are saving for. Tbh it's just my personality, I enjoy it, makes me feel in control. If he wants to do that I would suggest he does it himself, he's U expecting you to do it!!!!!!!

Is OP not saying that for 5 years he says he will buy a new laptop but doesn't and uses an ancient one instead?

If he finds looking after your joint finances boring and leaves it all to you, he has absolutely no right to criticise how you choose to do that, so long as you aren't actually going bankrupt.

If he feels so strongly about it, he can do any or all of three things:

1. take over managing the finances
2. stop spaffing money on laptops
3. fuck the fuck off.

And no we don't forecast spending or analyse accounts either

Is it the hanging onto stuff that you are bothered about? Or the fact that he wants detailed accounts because other people do it that way and he wants you to do it for him because he’s board with it?!

The latter is ridiculous. He can do it himself it pah an accountant.

The former... did he come from a hoarding family? A family with little money? Why does he want to keep the junk?

If he wants to keep detailed accounts and produce an annual cash flow statement that’s entirely up to him. We certainly don’t track in that level of detail - I know what comes in and what goes out and ensure the latter, doesn’t exceed the former.

I grew up with my father keeping accurate accounts and forecasting into the future with predicted expenses so I think it's normal and do the same.

I also understand why someone might earn a good amount but not want to spend it. I hate the fact that like most people my income stream depends on other people and is at the mercy of employers. Despite never having been unemployed for more than a week I can't get rid of the idea that I need six months living expenses saved in addition to a rainy day fund.

Suggest he gets a storage unit to keep his spares in. See how he feels about paying for space

If he wants it done that way, he can do it that way. U to expect you to.

We both keep accurate accounts of our spending. We’ve got a couple of spreadsheets, one that I use to keep track of online shopping orders and returns too.

I also check in on my pension and our investment portfolio once a month. I’m keeping a closer eye than usual due to us currently buying a house.

I have obsessively financially planned for decades. I keep detailed records, but have never seen the point of doing budget projections. (I know I'm never going to cut spending because I seldom spend more than a base amount in the first place. If I couldn't spend the base amount, it would be due to circumstances beyond my control. Such as unemployment while having a large mortgage payment and being in negative equity. That was my worry in the 1990's, thank-you 1989 housing crash. )

I agree I'm abnormal, and though all my planning may do some good, I could probably manage my money 95% as well with no detailed records, just a rough estimate of my lifestyle cost.

I think detailed planning is an enjoyable hobby which helps reduce anxiety. But non-detailed planning will work almost as well.

Although I don't try to precisely predict future outgoings, I have always planned for when investment income would completely cover them, based on a rough idea of their total.

I do

You don’t

No big deal

I do keep a fairly detailed budget. I think it's a good idea. I don't do huge forecasting efforts but I certainly have general plans about the future - I get the odd pension forecast, think about what I will do when I retire from a financial point of view. I think that's normal. If he thinks it's normal, why on earth doesn't he do it??

It sounds as if you are saving £24K a year without much effort or having to think about it. I find it a bit odd that you haven't forecasted together when and if you might want to buy a house with that money? Do you want to wait a few years and buy one outright? Or have a mortgage in a more expensive area? or spunk the lot on a horse? Or spend a year travelling the world? I'd certainly find it unusual not to have general plans on what to do with financial surpluses.

Yes I’m the one that’s relaxed and tells him to buy the laptop and he doesn’t. I’m buying an iPad with my bonus.

I used to be thorough at keeping accounts but now am not because I know we can relax/buying a bigger house is off the menu for the foreseeable. We still save and I’m careful. My parents didn’t do family accounts. My dad didn’t open bills or bank statements as he knew it was ok and was never in debt, although we were poor compared to DH’s family.

I actually am an accountant but I’m not tallying up all his coffees and lunches at work and several food shops each week. He’s not self employed and claiming tax relief. This is normal life expenses. He would argue he can’t do it because he doesn’t have access to the bank accounts - he does but never sets up the apps etc.

I suspect he’s lashing out because he doesn’t want to declutter. I think it’s guilt at throwing out computers etc. He’s relented finally on the desk top, he’s going to ask his dad to store it. It’s taken years and the same argument every time. Always attacking my money management. His dad doesn’t trust me as well. It’s bizarre as we have a great relationship otherwise.

A bit OT, but you can get an absolutely top end laptop for under 1,000:

www.dell.com/en-uk/work/shop/laptops/inspiron-13-7000-2-in-1/spd/inspiron-13-7386-2-in-1-laptop

DH keeps our accounts and tracks everything in Quicken. We don't really budget in the usual sense as there are too many expenses that are irregular. We do save automatically from our paychecks and have a substantial emergency reserve.

I suspect his hoarding and concern about money are emotional issues for him; they won’t be changed by any rational logic! If he doesn’t see them as a problem then just let it go for a bit unless the hoarding is becoming a real problem for you. It will be hard behaviour to change. I don’t do any financial forecasting btw although from time to time I do work out exactly what I need to spend every month and what I earn (usually a gap of course).

I also don't really understand what's happening with the laptops, but basically whenever he gets a new one he needs to sell/donate/trash the old one.

I do budget in more detail but my income is more limited and I have some specific savings targets I'm working towards. If you're comfortably saving £2/month and you're not looking to increase that to e.g. save a deposit for a house sooner, then you don't need anything more detailed.

I just don’t think it’s the norm to keep detailed records of every bank transaction. I used to.

I do keep on top of the balances and do a rough forecast on paper.

I just think my time is worth more than the benefit of recording every coffee and sandwich he buys for lunch.

He has a problem if he wants to hang on to bits of junk and you need the space. Is it because he’s hanging onto the past? He doesn’t like change?

You need to tackle the reason.

We don't do detailed forecasts . . . or any tbh but we both run our own businesses and know the detail of their accounts as well as our own. If your DH wants detailed forecasts, then he can do it.
As for you being more relaxed about spending, I agree with a PP. His spending habits are emotional and related to his upbringing arguably as are everyone's Perhaps agreeing a monthly 'disposable' spend amount and transferring that into an account for him would help him to see that there is 'extra' money . . .Otherwise, just stop having the argument. If he mentions it again, just say we've already discussed it. You have different attitudes to money and risk. Acknowledge them, accept them and move on. fwiw my DH is much more risk averse than I am. We have separate accounts so we can both spend/save in the way that suits us.