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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am being unreasonable and precious but really.

63 replies

Topttumps · 31/03/2019 12:15

Life is pretty crap right now. Dh has a disability and needs lots of help. I have 3dds 15 13 and 6.
Dh finds it difficult to visit shops so hasn’t been able to facilitate much.
The school no longer facilitate Mothers Day crafts. I was works so couldn’t take dd3 to make some stuff. This kind of thing is imporant to me.
So today has essentially been a normal day with the added pain of missing my mum.
Dd1 and dd3 said Happy Mothers Day and gave me a paper card. Nothing from dd2
AIBU to be crying in the kitchen about this?
We are going out for a meal later but I am still the one helping dd2 and 3 get ready. Dd2 has some sen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 31/03/2019 12:58

I appreciate there are people worse off than me. Indeed I we have had fertility issues ourselves too. Thankfully we were so lucky to conceive in the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 31/03/2019 13:00

I think I need to visit my mums grave. Something ai haven’t managed to do this year so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 31/03/2019 13:01

I think maybe I have some guilt as once married we probably spent more special occasions with mil as he only has one sibling.

OP posts:
IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 31/03/2019 13:04

Your 15yr old should have made sure that her sisters had bought cards or included them all on one card for you. I was the eldest and always organised and made sure my siblings were organised or included in presents and cards for my parents. Unless your DH's disability means he cannot speak, he was surely able to check the DC had today sorted and he could have offered advice/money.

Sorry you're missing your Mum, maybe light a candle in her memory or go for a walk on your own later to think about her in peace. I would also give the chores a miss today and certainly don't make much effort for Father' day.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 31/03/2019 13:05

Do go and visit your Mum's grave Op Flowers.

Annasgirl · 31/03/2019 13:06

Dear OP,

The first Mother's Day without your mum is really, really hard. I lost my mum 3 years ago and it is still awful, there is no one who understands like her. So I feel your pain. You poor woman, perhaps get through to-day, and tomorrow and then put some time away when you are calm and have a sit down with your DH and explain to him how awful this day was - and what he could have done to help. You need his support, otherwise, what is it all for?

Other people have said they are single parents, but your DH has a disability so in effect you also have to look after him as well as your DC. That's a lot to handle and he should appreciate you more.

Let yourself cry, you do not have to be happy to-day, in the same way that you do not have to be happy on Valentine's Day. These days usually bring back memories, happy or sad, of other times. Indulge yourself, go for a walk or go to a room alone with a cup of tea and a good book or TV show and mope for an hour or two, then get yourself ready for going out.

Mind yourself.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 13:06

When someone starts their OP with “Life is pretty crap right now” it’s pretty unkind to come on and say “others have it so much worse”.

Flowers OP, you’re having a shit time, brought into sharp focus by the date. YANBU to be upset.

Nannewnannew · 31/03/2019 13:09

DoIreallyneedto Your post is so accurate. I really hate it when people play top trumps with their illnesses/ disabilities etc.

I suffer,quietly, I might add, with severe arthritis but woe betide me, if on a bad day, I complain, I’m nearly always told there are loads of other people much worse off than me. Yes, I know and appreciate this, but it doesn’t make the pain anymore bearable.

I also agree with teenagers being inherently selfish, I’m sure I was too when a teenager!

OP-it’s so hard missing your Mum isn’t it? Hope your day improves and you enjoy your meal later. Here are some 💐 for you.

TheInvestigator · 31/03/2019 13:09

At 15 and 13 I was buying my mum's gifts myself. What's their excuse for not sorting it out themselves?

I'd be more annoyed about 2 of my kids turning out to be inconsiderate or selfish rather than mothers day itself.

MoggyP · 31/03/2019 13:16

Yes, that sounds a bit crap Topttumps

It wouid bit have been difficult for your DH to have made DD1 the officer in charge of Mothers Day, and to have jointly with her nagged DD2 into some form of marking the occasion, to have done the crafty stuff with DD3 and to have taken charge of DD3 (and maybe DD2, depending on her needs) to get ready. (please note I am not saying that DD1 should be a main carer, just that she can do extra in special occasions)

I hope that letting it out here can help you accept what disappointed you this morning, to understand that the feelings then do nit have to define the rest of the day, and that you can have a good time with your DDs when you do go out.

Noodledoodledoo · 31/03/2019 13:17

I am another to say YANBU and others are just being cruel.

I am feeling overwhelmed today, I lost my mum 15 years ago but its all come to a head again this year for various reasons. I know I am not the only one but I am having a bit of a wallow.

The eldest is being a bit of a normal teen, but can you suggest something you could do with her. Is there any form of respite for you in the near future? We all need a break from the norm every now and then.

Spudlet · 31/03/2019 13:27

YANBU. And I hope a few posters on this thread take a hard look at themselves and their choice to kick someone who was already down, and feel ashamed.

You are allowed to feel sad op, you sound like you have a lot on your plate. Allowing yourself to express that sadness is far healthier than bottling it up and pasting on a fake smile.

I hope that you start to feel better soon. Flowers

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 31/03/2019 13:29

I hate the Mumsnet Hierarchies of Suffering. Obviously some things are more difficult than others, but if a person is struggling then it doesn't matter if their suffering is lower down the Scale Of Approved Problems than someone else's.

I'm sorry that you are feeling crap, OP and I hope the meal goes well.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/03/2019 13:31

You are being a tiny bit U - but I think it's because you have so much on your plate at the minute - you are stressed and exhausted, and that makes you over-sensitive.

Let it go - see if your girls can entertain themselves for a couple of hours while you have a long bath with lots of nice smelly stuff (if you have any - bung some washing up liquid in for bubbles if you haven't Grin). Take a book in, and a cup of tea, and just let yourself go all wrinkly.

You need a bit of time to yourself.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/03/2019 13:33

Spudlet and Dribble are speaking true.

Feeling awful isn''t a competition. And if someone is feeling low, then they are feeling low and that's how it is. If people could just pull themselves together, then they would.

JaneEyre07 · 31/03/2019 13:41

I'm sorry you're feeling upset OP.

It sounds like life is hard and stressful, and it's only human to want a little bit of acknowledgement that you're appreciated Flowers and you're bound to be thinking of your Mum today too.

Your DH may be disabled OP but he's had enough warning about today. Online shopping takes moments..........

CantStopMeNow · 31/03/2019 13:58

Dh finds it difficult to visit shops so hasn’t been able to facilitate much
Online shopping - or is that too difficult for him as well?

category12 · 31/03/2019 13:58

Sorry you're having it a bit shit, OP. Flowers

doIreallyneedto · 31/03/2019 13:59

@Nannewnannew - there are loads of other people much worse off than me. Yes, I know and appreciate this, but it doesn’t make the pain anymore bearable.

That is it exactly. I think people who dismiss your pain or suffering by saying there are people worse off than you are inherently selfish and unempathetic. They don't want to deal with your issues, either by offering sympathy or practical support, so dismiss your complaints in a way that tries to depict you as selfish and them as caring about those who are suffering most. However, those type of people rarely help anyone as, after all, there is always someone worse off.

Sympathies for your arthritis. I have (luckily) mild arthritis but that can be bloody painful. My mother has severe arthritis and, like you, mainly suffers silently. However, when she complains, I make sure I listen and sympathise as well as helping practically. Physical pain has an enormous impact emotionally as well as physically.

Playmytune · 31/03/2019 14:09

YABVU
Why would your husband wish you a happy Mother’s Day? You aren’t his mother!
you up really want a forced gift off your children?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but be grateful for what you have! Read the thread about the mother who lost her daughter and all the other mothers who have suffered the same loss! I honestly cried reading that thread because they will never receive a Mother’s Day, or any other day, card or present from from their dear child. They will never feel their child’s touch again and this puts so many other things into perspective. Absolutely heartbreaking.

BlueSaphire · 31/03/2019 14:10

Topttumps

I think everyone who has lost their mum feels sadness on Mothers day, no matter what your family have planned for you today.

Have a nice meal out and enjoy yourself. x

S1naidSucks · 31/03/2019 14:27

I hate the Mumsnet Hierarchies of Suffering

That’s it in a nut shell. There are some right nasty fuckers on here. Mouthing off to the OP and others about how she should be grateful for what she has, ‘what about bla bla bla?’, while not showing one grain of empathy for a woman that is struggling. Fucking hypocrites.

I’m sorry you’re having a rotten day, OP. At 15 your child should be far more considerate and even if your husband could do nothing, he could have asked the 15yr old to get something on his/her siblings behalf. Go visit your mum and vent about the day your having. I regularly talk to my late husband, when I’m having a bad day. I hope your day improves.

TowelNumber42 · 31/03/2019 14:37

It is the dad's job to make bloody sure the children give their mum a proper mother's day. Children are selfish. Children take their mums for granted. That's why mother's day is a big deal for dads to make the children recognise the mother and be extra lovely. My DH has been poking the children for days making damn sure they get their heads out of their arses and their devices.

You have a DH problem.

user1480880826 · 31/03/2019 14:37

There seems to be a 50/50 divide on the mother’s say threads today. Either a lot of disappointment or a lot of joy. For the first two hours of today it seemed like everyone in my house had forgotten and it felt pretty shit. Obviously made worse seeing friends post photos of cards and flowers on social media. My husband is now in the kitchen making a mess (I mean cake!) and all is good again. But he’s only doing this because my MIL told him to. Most men can’t understand why today means anything to us. Mother’s Day never used to be such a big deal. We used to just make whatever Blue Peter told us to that year and that was that. Nothing shop bought and no massive gestures. I blame social media and the retail industry for turning it into the crazy event that it has become.

Boulezvous · 31/03/2019 15:25

It's probably not about Mother's Day OP. You're finding life hard. Think about what small things you can do to make life more bearable. How you can get a break.

Mothers Day is not an indicator of how much you're loved. I got a card and choccies and one handmade card from my DC and a bagel and cup of tea in bed. I have no partner. I've spent the day cleaning and clearing things out. I will be cooking dinner as usual tonight. But I know my DC rely on me and love me. Even small gestures count.

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