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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Mother's Day one, with a difference!

54 replies

ChickenPieBumFace · 31/03/2019 11:13

So a bit of background. MIL and I have a very forced and false relationship. She is very snide and often makes comments that are out of order. She is gossipy and has a fairly close relationship with my husbands ex (they have a boy together). As a result of this I have distanced myself from contact with her and keep to the bare minimum. It works for all concerned and stops me getting wound up by her nasty comments and behaviour.

MIl looks after our DD2 a couple of times a week. This is her desire as I would prefer DD to be in nursery full time. She undermines with toilet training etc (putting her in nappies when she is dry now) but I understand the importance of a grandparent relationship, so besides a dig at DH when he brings her home in a nappy, I let it slide. It's not for much longer anyway as school is only just over 12 months away.
Anyway to my AIBU. My stepson mentioned the other day that his school are doing afternoon tea for mums and grandmas next week. He then mentioned that he would have to serve tea and cake to his Mum, Grandma and sister! I questioned why his sister and he said that Grandma is bringing my DD to his school to celebrate Mother's Day with my DHs ex. Now it's worth mentioning that The ex is has been a pain the arse throughout our relationship. She barely looks after her own son. He is with us most of the time. Even today on actual Mother's Day she doesn't want him home until later on (she has 2 other boys who will be with her, but has not requested SS to come home early!). She has never spoken a word to me even when I have arranged her sons birthday party etc. I don't want her around my DD. Yet MIl thinks it is appropriate to take my DD. My position is that if she wants to celebrate Mother's Day with his ex that is fine but not with my daughter in tow. Grandad also looks after her so I don't understand why she wants to take my DD when she can stay at home. I think it is completely inappropriate and given MIL past behaviour, it's being done on purpose. And she has never asked or mentioned it so she knows it is wrong and I wouldn't like it.

DH doesn't think it is a big deal. I asked if it was the other way around how would he feel, if I snuck around and took our DD to celebrate Father's Day with my ex, would I be out of order?
He has said he will tell his mum that I don't like it but I think he should tell her it's not appropriate and neither of us are happy. Otherwise it makes me out to be the bad guy when it is actually her that has put me in this position of saying no. AIBU?

OP posts:
WWWWicked · 31/03/2019 11:18

I don’t think you can take the free childcare then whine about anything tbh.

Why, if it’s your preference for your DD to be in nursery, is she going to your MIL for childcare instead?

Thehop · 31/03/2019 11:20

Put your dd in nursery. ASAP.

Banhaha · 31/03/2019 11:22

Sounds strange to me. Does the ex want her there? She might not.

GreatDuckCookery · 31/03/2019 11:22

You let your MIL look after DD rather than putting her in nursery for MILs benefit?

Yeah right.

Original poster
ChickenPieBumFace · 31/03/2019 11:22

I don't need free childcare as I can afford it full time and would prefer that. But they requested a couple of days a week and DH was keen on it. Building relationships with grandparents etc. She is his dd too so we have compromised. So her choice. By accepting does that mean I should accept all of her behaviours and she can do whatever she wants 2 days a week? My question is AINu regarding the Mother's Day event with his ex?

OP posts:
Bluewall · 31/03/2019 11:23

I would have just thought she thought your DD would have liked it (I guessing she would love getting cakes and going to the big school) and your SS might like havung his little sister there to ? She maybe thought it would be mean to go when she had your DD and not take her.

However from your background I can see why you might see it as a deliberate act to hurt you and perhaps it is. And it should have been discussed with you although it sounds like you guys don't really talk normally.

Would it be that bad to let her go ? I bet she would love it and maybe you would take the wind out of Mils sails by being fine with it ?

If you are really not happy insist your DH makes it clear you bith don't want her to go. (Would she or your SS be upset by this ?)

Original poster
ChickenPieBumFace · 31/03/2019 11:24

@GreatDuckCookery I have. I would much prefer the nursery full time. But I also am aware that my feelings towards MIl are not the same as DDs or DHs. Normally on here people get slated for not putting the kids feelings and relationships first. But when I do it isn't believed. Wow!

OP posts:
WWWWicked · 31/03/2019 11:25

Ok then. Yes YABU.

Sounds like your DD is too young to even know what’s going on, and you know full well your MIL will do what she wants regardless of your wishes, as she’s already proved time and time again while providing you with free childcare.

If you don’t like it, book the day off work and look after your DD yourself that day.

GreatDuckCookery · 31/03/2019 11:26

If you’re not happy about it then tell her. I don’t see the big deal personally. DD will be with her granny and big brother too.

Banhaha · 31/03/2019 11:26

Sorry meant to say no I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's a mothers day thing. The ex is not her mother, and doesn't have any connection to your DD really other than her child has the same dad as yours.

Reddragonqueen · 31/03/2019 11:26

Say no! I don't think it would make you look like a bad guy but even if it does who cares. Say no

Original poster
ChickenPieBumFace · 31/03/2019 11:29

@WWWWicked so to be clear, when a GP looks after a child for any reason they can do what they want. No rules no boundaries. If they are looking after DD it's up to them? Ha ha. You seem a little off and focused on me getting free childcare so I will reiterate. It's a compromise I made. I can afford and would prefer to have her in nursery full time. Sorry if this irks you.

OP posts:
LailaByron · 31/03/2019 11:29

Not a chance. I might b BU but I wouldn’t want my DC hanging out with my DP ex...no way. Not in a month of Sunday’s, over my dead body.
Your child. Your rules.

GreatDuckCookery · 31/03/2019 11:30

But you’re benefiting from MIL having DD instead of her being in nursery because your nursery bill will be less. I find it hard to believe that this is totally an altruistic act if I’m honest especially given that you don’t seem that fond of MIL.

But as I’ve just said if you’re not happy about DD seeing the ex then speak up.

What exactly is the reason here? The fact MIL didn’t ask or because she’s your partners ex? Or something else?

RandomMess · 31/03/2019 11:30

I would take a day off from work and cancel the arrangement for the day if I felt that strongly and tbh I probably would feel like you. With the whole toilet training thing I would book her into FT nursery for the time being.

You have a DH problem though rather than a MIL one...

multivac · 31/03/2019 11:30

when a GP looks after a child for any reason they can do what they want. No rules no boundaries

That seems to be the mumsnet view. I've always found it utterly bizarre.

Original poster
ChickenPieBumFace · 31/03/2019 11:31

@LailaByron thanks. That's how I feel and it should be respected. It seems even worse that it is a Mother's Day thing too. Not just a normal school event. That's the kicker that MIl is relying on I think.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery · 31/03/2019 11:33

Personally I would suck this up for one reason only and that would be DSS. I’m sure he would love having his little sister there too and for that I would let it go.

WWWWicked · 31/03/2019 11:33

ChickenPieBumFace yes - if they’re not putting the child in physical or emotional danger, pretty much yes.

You have made the choice to use your MIL for childcare (under the guise of allowing your DD a relationship with her GM) knowing that your MIL does not respect or enforce your rules and boundaries - yet you continue to send her there.

So unless your DD is in mortal danger you need to put up or shut up.

HTH.

Original poster
ChickenPieBumFace · 31/03/2019 11:37

@GreatDuckCookery it's not altruistic towards MIL. It's for the benefit of my DD and DH. If you can't understand that then you have the problem. As stated so many times on here when people are withholding relationships it's about the kids needs and not the parents. So please accept that whilst my preference would be full time nursery, Dd enjoys the time with her GP and it is not for much longer. Of course it is cheaper for us but we do ensure that we are generous on birthdays and Christmas etc to GPs so it actually evens out a bit more (think holidays with flights etc, rather than the mug and chocolates that my parents might get).

My issue is that she hasn't asked (so knows I would say no). That it is Mother's Day. That it is DH ex. That it is a clear swipe at me, celebrating Mother's Day with his ex and MY DD! Is that enough reasoning for you?

OP posts:
VeraWangTwang · 31/03/2019 11:39

I couldn't put up with the drama . Put your child in nursey FT. They can build a relationship with them at the weekends

GreatDuckCookery · 31/03/2019 11:42

Is the afternoon tea falling naturally on the day MIL would have DD?

Sculpin · 31/03/2019 11:43

YANBU to be a bit cross, but I don't think this is a massive deal tbh. Your DD will probably enjoy it and is too young to read any deeper meaning into it.

Personally I'd be much more pissed off about the nappy thing!

Banhaha · 31/03/2019 11:45

I agree with you that DH should say you are both uncomfortable. I'm not sure why he doesn't get it when you've asked him how he'd feel the other way round! Failing that you'll have to tell her no if he won't which won't have the same impact. Taking the day off sounds like an extreme thing to have to do but maybe if you tell her you are so against it you've made arrangements so that she can still go she might get the message?

Chocolateisfab · 31/03/2019 11:48

Tell dh unfortunately it has come to mil's feelings over yours . And you aren't accepting that anymore.. Nursery it is.
No way should she be using your dd to cause you stress.
Which is exactly her plan.

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