A Mother's Day one, with a difference!

[ChickenPieBumFace]

So a bit of background. MIL and I have a very forced and false relationship. She is very snide and often makes comments that are out of order. She is gossipy and has a fairly close relationship with my husbands ex (they have a boy together). As a result of this I have distanced myself from contact with her and keep to the bare minimum. It works for all concerned and stops me getting wound up by her nasty comments and behaviour.

MIl looks after our DD2 a couple of times a week. This is her desire as I would prefer DD to be in nursery full time. She undermines with toilet training etc (putting her in nappies when she is dry now) but I understand the importance of a grandparent relationship, so besides a dig at DH when he brings her home in a nappy, I let it slide. It's not for much longer anyway as school is only just over 12 months away.
Anyway to my AIBU. My stepson mentioned the other day that his school are doing afternoon tea for mums and grandmas next week. He then mentioned that he would have to serve tea and cake to his Mum, Grandma and sister! I questioned why his sister and he said that Grandma is bringing my DD to his school to celebrate Mother's Day with my DHs ex. Now it's worth mentioning that The ex is has been a pain the arse throughout our relationship. She barely looks after her own son. He is with us most of the time. Even today on actual Mother's Day she doesn't want him home until later on (she has 2 other boys who will be with her, but has not requested SS to come home early!). She has never spoken a word to me even when I have arranged her sons birthday party etc. I don't want her around my DD. Yet MIl thinks it is appropriate to take my DD. My position is that if she wants to celebrate Mother's Day with his ex that is fine but not with my daughter in tow. Grandad also looks after her so I don't understand why she wants to take my DD when she can stay at home. I think it is completely inappropriate and given MIL past behaviour, it's being done on purpose. And she has never asked or mentioned it so she knows it is wrong and I wouldn't like it.

DH doesn't think it is a big deal. I asked if it was the other way around how would he feel, if I snuck around and took our DD to celebrate Father's Day with my ex, would I be out of order?
He has said he will tell his mum that I don't like it but I think he should tell her it's not appropriate and neither of us are happy. Otherwise it makes me out to be the bad guy when it is actually her that has put me in this position of saying no. AIBU?

Ok, so it's a compromise to placate Dh and, moreso, the mil you don't particularly like. Meanwhile you are not happy with the overall situation and therefore end up being pissed off over issues such as this. I think you need to reassess the arrangement and tell Dh its simply not working for you anymore. It is hugely disrespectful for your mil to involve your Dh's ex in your dds life if that's not what you want. I'd be putting dd into nursery full time and then let Dh take dd to inlaws for visits the way most families would do. The fact that your inlaws 'want' to mind your doesn't come into it. They can still forge a bond without having to mind her 2 days a week.

FIL shares the care of DD and he won't be going. So why would she not just go alone? I shouldn't have to take the day off to prevent her doing it. Whilst she would enjoy it and isn't old enough to understand any underlying dramas, she would also not know any different if she stayed at home with Grandad.
@GreatDuckCookery yes it's a day she has her. But quite often things come up and DD stays with Grandad. This naturally should be one of those times.
@Sculpin yes the nappy thing bothers me a lot. DH says she is only in pull ups for car journeys (so bringing her home) but I don't believe this. DD says she wears pull ups at Grandmas. But she also says the dog drew on the wall so it's hard for me to have a firm stance.

If she's going to school in 12 months she shouldn't be in nappies (if thoroughly potty trained)

I think I would say that she would benefit more from nursery now as a preparation for school. She can see grandparents at other times

And I'd take the day off.

I think it would be expected that MIL would take DD to this given it’s her brothers event as opposed to her staying with FIL. If it weren’t a Mother’s Day thing I doubt you’d think she’d not take her.

Talk to MIL or get DH to do it. Explain that you’re not comfortable with it, or just put DD in nursery that day perhaps? But then I guess you’d still have to explain as MIL will more than likely ask why.

You let it go and for one reason only - your stepson.
He is part of your family too and is your daughter's brother - so it is lovely that he can serve little sis a . Fuck the power games, fuck the rest of them, it's all BS - channel Elsa, rise above them, praise DS for being such a great brother, you could even reenact it when he's at yours and don't rise to MIL, you are better than that lovey.

Tell your DH you've compromised enough and here's your boundary.

You'd rather your DD was in nursery full time, but you've agreed to MIL care as you are on board with grandparent relationships.

However, if it's beginning to look as if 'grandparent relationships' are going to include goading, undermining and making you unhappy then you're going to be pretty smartly OFF board and DD will be going to nursery full time, as better nursery than a full-on family fall out.

He knows you are agreeing to grandparent care for his sake. Time for him to have some respect for that, and for you, and in return provide a united front to his mother on aspects of the care that you are not happy with. You support him, he supports you in return.

I understand.

Fuck that shit...

Not happening and your husband is abit if a div to think its ok.

No no no... Just be honest and say to botj since your all inappropriate with whatbhe acceptable I'm moving to full time nursery.

You tried it your husbands way and it is not working...

My mum looked after my 2 when I worked. And although I agree when with a grandparent the child adjusts to there life however most grandparents are not bitches...

You have a nasty MIL. You need to do what is right otherwise this shit will only get worsw

MIl is an awful person to me, but DD loves her and I do see a benefit to them having a relationship. But as PP have said this can be achieved at weekends. FIL is lovely, a very kind and loving grandad and man. Such a contrast.

@Nanny0gg she is 3 in July and has been dry since January. Mastered it in a matter of days. We had tried early December and she had lots of accidents so waited a month and she got it straight away. She is close to being dry at night now too, maybe 5/7 nights. But MIL is still
Putting pull ups on in the day "for car journeys". I think more than that but can't prove it.

@GreatDuckCookery I would expect MIL to separate her relationship with the ex from any relationship with my DD at anytime of the year, but especially on Mother's Day.

Put the cat among the pigeons and go along yourself as step Mum seeing as though it's apparently about any random female family member 🤷🏽‍♀️

If I were you I would let this one go. But if you have the financial wherewithal and there are places available, get your DD into nursery. It’s not in her best interests to have an unhappy mother and she’ll be able to pick up on any tension this scenario causes you so it might be better for her in the long run. Am sure she can get plenty of Grandparent time after school, weekends, holidays etc. Tell your MIL you want to get her ready for school and that the nappy issue is hampering your attempts to ensure she is fully off the nappies in time. Is your DD going to be at the same school as her half brother when she starts?

I am not surprised you are upset. If you allowed it it would be for the children. Are you concerned the ex would be unkind to your dd?

She is there as your stepson's sister first and foremost. That is the important relationship and it is good for your stepson to have his mum meet his sister.

My step child's mother was a pita forever but she was always lovely to my children as they are her child's siblings. We have all tried, as much as possible while most of the adults involved hate each other, to encourage and facilitate the childrens bond.

I would increase your daughters nursery time by a day so only with pil one day a week. When they ask why say it’s because she needs to get used to being in that environment and staying dry. And say so she can have more time with her other grandson and his mother as you don’t want your daughter spending time with her. It’s reasonable to say that. If they keep failing to help her progress with potty training then full time nursery. Your daughter and her needs come before your pils feelings

I agree with PP - the issue really is that DD shouldn't be with MIL two days a week.

YANBU. I'd have words with your DH and let him know you'd like to put her in nursery.

Also had various relatives (mostly my MIL) ask to be childcare when we go back to work. Have opted for nursery as it really doesn't save us money and I don't want the strings/ being undermined. I think I'd be happier with as hoc baby sitting/ fun grandma time than a regular thing which could be used against us

I would expect MIL to separate her relationship with the ex from any relationship with my DD at anytime of the year, but especially on Mother's Day

How can you expect that? You’ve said she’s snide to you and doesn’t treat you well.
Honestly the more you write the more I think you should stop her having DD.

Try to think more that your DD is spending time with her brother rather than anyone else. It is his school, his event and he may be looking forward to showing his friends his beautiful DSis Always look for a positive OP💐

Thing is, you may as well be totally blunt about this with your H.

His mother doesn't like you and is a bit of a cow. You can take that on the chin for the sake of a. him and b. your DD's relationship with her gran.

But there's a limit. You won't be disrespected. You won't be undermined in your parenting. You won't accept MIL having her way with your DD at the expense of your way.

If that starts to happen, you'll stop taking the dislike on the chin, and you will start kicking back. And then there will be trouble, as you will All Fall Out.

So the message is, you'll play nice if MIL doesn't push it. When MIL pushes it, you expect YOUR husband to push right back, so she learns to stop pushing.

That is the way to keep everybody happy. :)

If he is not willing to play this role... then you won't play yours. :)

And then people will soon start being very unhappy indeed :)

And you won't give a shit.

@bestbuttons no they will be at different schools.

@Mummyoflittledragon I'm not concerned she would be mean, just ignore her probably which I suppose is mean in itself. But also she has no need to meet or have anything to do with my DD.
In terms of the brother relationship, he is with us more than half the week including full weekends every week. His GP pick him up from school on the days that they have DD so they have plenty of time together and a great bond (she is currently torturing him right now by making him watch Peppa pig on his ipad when he just wants to play on x box).

@GreatDuckCookery I know I should go FT. The things that she says and does are in themselves never quite enough to take a stand. But put them together and they add up to a very snide nasty woman. My DH accepts that if you don't know/love her then he can see that she would be seen the way I see her. His argument is she is a goof GP, which she is for the most part. Loves and cares for her etc. But I worry as she gets older she will hear grandma gossiping about people and pick up on the snide side.

How likely is it that she has done this to spite you?

If just thoughtless then you are being a little bit unreasonable. She's been invited to something and presumably your SS has said his sister can come too. She gets on with exDIL so didn't see an issue. You say you don't think your partners ex would be actively unpleasant to your DD. She'd just not interact with her which is actually what you want.

If you truly believe that your MiL went behind your back and would know that you would be upset then you have your 'get out of childcare' card that you seem to want. I'd just say though that you have to give her a chance to explain.

In terms of the pull ups - my question would be why? I know that sounds basic but this sort of thing is sometimes a sign that the carer isn't coping. Pull ups mean no rushing to the toilet or less frequent trips to the toilet. You need to get your DH to suss out whether they are actually coping with a lively toddler.

My children see my step sons mum when she drops him off and at school events etc. The ex has been horrendous for years to me and DH. But on SS sports day one of my kids ran with her in the race. I don't like her at all. But think it's important that the kids see no conflict. I can totally understand why you would not like it. Maybe keep DD with you that day x

@NWQM the pull ups I think are for their convenience. Also after we tried in December and failed I said at Christmas we would try again in January. MIL said no, we will think about it again in Spring! I was annoyed by this but politely insisted it was my choice and that we would try again in January. The pull ups feel like her pushing back on my decisions. She didn't like the name we chose for DD, so after spending weeks trying to persuade my DH out of it, she spent the first few months of DD life calling her a nickname and refusing to use her given name as she didn't like what she thought was my choice (of course anything she doesn't like is me and not a joint decision!). We got married last year and when we got the photographers pictures back there is not a single one of her smiling. Not one. Face like a slapped arse in every single one of them. Oh and she wore white on the day, just like I predicted she would!!
This has definitely been done for her own satisfaction, with the added bonus of pissing me off!

It would be so nice for DS having his little sister come to his school. As a teacher l see how they get so excited showing their little sibli gas to their friends and their teacher. Let him have his moment. You are with your dh. What do you care about his ex. She is DS mother so will always be somewhere around. Stop all the drama and let it go. It's not a big deal.
My ds has a dd with his former gf. She will always be in our lives as my DS mum no matter what happens. Hopefully all will see when the time arises that there is no need for carry on.

Her brother will probably love to see her at school; I'd try to think of it that way.

On a separate note, I'd thank MIL for her past childcare and enrol your child in nursery full-time. Your daughter isn't going to like starting school in nappies and she only has one year left before she starts. Send her to nursery so she can get used to using the toilet - all the time - like the rest of her peer group.

She rarely has accidents at nursery or home. So she has mastered the training. I think MIL likes to keep them babies as long as possible for her own benefit. She still baths my SS and he is 10! I would have thought he was ready to do that for himself now. To be honest she would probably still bath DH if she could 😂