How bad a mum am I?

[hipslikecinderella]

I spend a lot of time in my bed. Half the day normally, even at weekends when dh is amazingly helpful with the kids.
The reason is mainly because I'm so so tired. Been to the doctor numerous times and although I have a vascular disease they don't think its related and can't give me anything to help.
Sneakingly I suspect its anti depressants as when I'm not taking them I don't get so tired. But I am susceptible to breakdowns and anxiety disorder so it's better to be on them.
What I'd really like is some ritalin or other 'wake up' drug, but it's not an option.
I go to the gym and walk outside regularly. The gym gives me a boost for that day, the walking tires me out - but I need a nap every day regardless.
How badly are my children going to be affected seeing me in bed so much? They are 8 and 9.
I'm considering boarding school for secondary so they can see how to live normally. I so don't want them to have this life.

I suffer with fatigue and depression and used to 'need' day time sleeps. Only I didn't, not really. I go to bed at 9pm now (with medication that helps me sleep) and wake up at about 7am. I take my ads in the evening now. I take a lot more "rest" time, but I only sleep at night. I already supplemented with b vitamins and calcium with vitamin D, I have added vitamin C, omega 3 fish oils and magnesium. I eat little and often and drink more water and less caffeine. I have had to cut down my exercise, even walking, into shorter bursts. Likewise I do the housework in small bursts. I don't wait to be exhausted, I rest when I'm tired.

I guess the difference is as a single parent there is nobody to pick up my slack. So if I'm not able, my kids are missing out on a lot.

I do think there's something in taking a neuroplastic approach - have you looked into this at all? Basically, if we want to create new habits, we have to create new neural pathways. The only way we do this is by repetition and replacing the existing, more affected ones.

So, for example: if you are really tired and you usually go to bed, why not walk to the end of the street and back (or equivalent short distance)? Even if you're sweating and delirious, push through. Do this for a week. The next week, when you are really tired and usually go to bed, do a bit further - and so on.

It really does work. It might be the answer for you. It's definitely an approach they take with chronic fatigue syndrome.

It will be really hard at first but you'll reap the dividends. I know people who have turned their lives around this way.

Have a look at neuroplasticity and chronic fatigue.

Good luck.

From your updates it may be psychological, you have got some really constructive advice.
As I said up thread my DM spent lots of time to bed, I wanted to add, she was never a bad mam, she was fragile but always kind and loving, we always felt loved, your DC will be OK, try your best to take on some of the tasks mentioned from pp's. Goodluck

I am an older Mum of a 14 yr old, I also have a number of health conditions that mean I fight for fitness and struggle on busy days - I try and consiously nap at times which don't impact. So I get up in the am see them off and if its a bad day back to bed for an hr then up and dressed and if a further nap needed its 3.30 to be woken by them coming in at 4. Occasionally I fall down a rabbit hole and its a 3 hr nap but honestly on those days I feel like that around 1.30 so that fits with school too. If I know its a nap day I try and schedule things to do that don't take it out of me so much - I am also a great believer in dong bigger jobs in stages.

Minesapineappledelight is right that very often the best way to tackle chronic fatigue (with no physical cause) is to push through it. This is REALLY tough to do and takes a huge amount of determination to do, as it can take anything from a few weeks to months to work, but studies have shown that it's the most effective treatment for CFS.

I'm on venlafaxine too, but we obviously react differently to it - if I take mine at bedtime I'm so wired I can't sleep! I do dip a bit after lunch (like most people I think) but I have a coffee, wash my face and it passes after an hour or so. Clearly my tiredness isn't in the same league as yours though!

Best of luck with it, stay strong.

What would you do without your DH to care for the DC? You are prioritising yourself over them, your DC will come to resent you, going to the gym because exercise is part of your life; so are your kids but you'd rather go for naps and lie in bed; if you can find energy through the week for exercise why can you not have an active role in their lives at weekends? Your DH is enabling you to opt out of family life, take @veep advice and push through it, everyone whether with a health condition or not faces exhaustion but keeps going as they don't have a DH to skivvy for them. I find all of this very me me me.

@Bookworm4

That's an unkind and judgemental post. It helps no one. You will never know how someone else feels. Plus you're assuming that everyone is mentally strong enough to overcome exhaustion. It isn't the case. But it's something that can be worked on and overcome. However, it doesn't make the OP me, me, me because she struggles with it.

@veep
She's not completely exhausted she's choosing when to expend energy and opting out of family life, so yes that is me me me. I don't know anyone with a condition that limits their energy that chooses their exercise over their kids.

If this was someone talking about their DH he would be vilified as a lazy bastard.

The fact your worrying about being a bad mum shows that your not! As actual bad parents couldn't give a stuff if they are or not! Xxx

So, are you here to be an utter shit just to even things up a bit book?

@tyem
No, I'm pointing out that OP is choosing exercise over her DC, people need to learn to look at the big picture and not just read the bits that suit them. OP admits she is opting out and leaving DH to manage, not all down to her 'exhaustion'.

She has said that at weekends she doesn't exercise. She exercises when the kids are at school. At the weekends, she's tired from taking them to the clubs.

Regardless of whether you think she's behaving right or wrong, she clearly has something going on which is not just laziness. So be kind.

I think you've decided on an interpretation - a fairly soulless one - and you're sticking to it.

There's a lot of things going on here, but the ones that strike me are a) you are up early at 6, now some people's bodies are good in the morning , mine is not and even if I don't sleep, I'd still have problems with staying awake in the afternoon, this is not unusual, half my colleagues nap during afternoon talks b) what is unusual is that you then keep on sleeping. I'd still have a nap some days, but really limit it, you don't need hours and hours to become refreshed, just make it 45 min or 90 min (to have a whole sleep cycle or two) and then get up even if you feel terrible.

If you want to be a good mum, definitely look after yourself, self-care is hugely important (so exercise/gym good in my book), get a meds review, and more importantly keep interested in your children. I don't understand why you say you don't get much time with them/they are missing out- you are up at 6 with them, spend all weekend mornings til 1 with them at the very very least- for many working out of the home dads, that's more than they do.

So- I would try to limit your afternoon naps considerably using the behavioural techniques suggested here. You need to wake up and live the late-afternoon/evening too, by over-coming your habitual feeling of tiredness. It can be done- or at least, you don't have to give into it and nap for hours and hours, you could limit/cut out naps some days. The more you nap, the more you want to nap in the afternoon.

I don't think you are a bad mum, but talk of boarding is crazy at this stage, especially if your husband is fully involved. Better have parents around, I don't see what would be 'normal' about boarding, and plenty of families have one parent who isn't around as much for many reasons; disability, working away, they are lazy and disinterested, divorce.

I wouldn't change because you are a bad mum, I would change as it can't be that nice for you to live this life and I don't think change would be as hard as you think it would be.

My mother was like this. To be honest we had a terrible relationship and it affected me a great deal but I really can’t ascribe that to the amount of time she spent in bed. She was just horrible. I’d choose a kind but tired mother over an unkind energetic ones ultimately sometimes you have to choose between being active sand being kind (many pRents are unkind when tired out).

@veep
I wasn't aware that AIBU only required responds that were kind and in agreement with OP. Unfortunately not everyone can live in a poor me be kind world.

@teyem

Just wanted to say thank you for your post early in the thread. As a single parent with CFS, it was nice to read how your experience as a child has not fucked you up as an adult, which is obviously a concern to me and other parents in this situation

I could change ads again but that's a ball ache in itself as they make you "flush out" and have none for ages.

Surely not so much of a ballache that you wouldn't consider that before boarding school though? It seems like a drastic solution to a problem where there are untested alternatives, and I hope you find the right one for you...

I didn't want to out myself too much about what my vascular condition has caused, but it's a rare collagen disorder and has been pretty serious - eg a heart attack, a renal disorder, iliac artery narrowings.
I'm being tested for ehler danlos and lots of sufferers do report extreme fatigue.
I guess I'd rather it was more psychosomatic and I could help myself by going out for walks when I get sleepy. It's just the headaches - like hot buzzing around my head.
Anyway I have seen the thread about the poster's Dh and do feel for him. Not read all the responses yet.
As far as asking how would I cope without a dh to help me: I don't know, but perhaps I wouldn't. There are single mums who don't manage and families fall apart.

Charity - I have changed ads before having kids and it was not pretty. Mood swings and tears, I'm not sure I'd want them to go through that.

My mum had a chronic illness from when I was about 7yo and was asleep most of the day most days. She would get up in the evenings for a few hours. We couldn't do holidays, or days out with mum, we would occasionally have days out with Dad.

However it was a happy childhood despite the adversity. Celebrations all happened in the home and were lovely memories. My mum read me many novels in her bed and they are very happy memories for me. She was also good at art and crafts and made us lovely things. I feel sad looking back for how poorly she was, but not resentful in any way, it was not her fault, she just needed to rest. My sibling and I are both very creative adults which may well be in part thanks to not having many planned activities other than school as kids.

One thought for more time with them at the weekends is to spend the mornings together when you are at your best and your husband take them to clubs in the afternoon? Or switch to after school clubs and keep the weekend free? If there are other options for their clubs that is.

It sounds like you're very depressed OP. Are you a little OCD (with gym etc) Could you ditch the gym to save some energy, just go for a stroll to get the fresh air?