How bad a mum am I?

[hipslikecinderella]

I spend a lot of time in my bed. Half the day normally, even at weekends when dh is amazingly helpful with the kids.
The reason is mainly because I'm so so tired. Been to the doctor numerous times and although I have a vascular disease they don't think its related and can't give me anything to help.
Sneakingly I suspect its anti depressants as when I'm not taking them I don't get so tired. But I am susceptible to breakdowns and anxiety disorder so it's better to be on them.
What I'd really like is some ritalin or other 'wake up' drug, but it's not an option.
I go to the gym and walk outside regularly. The gym gives me a boost for that day, the walking tires me out - but I need a nap every day regardless.
How badly are my children going to be affected seeing me in bed so much? They are 8 and 9.
I'm considering boarding school for secondary so they can see how to live normally. I so don't want them to have this life.

From what you've said you don't have ongoing relentless tiredness.

You are up early, do housework, school run and then exercise. This sounds like you have a fairly decent level of energy for the first half of the day.

But in the afternoon and evening you nap and then can't get out of bed.

Is this all correct?

What I am wondering is why your energy seems high in the morning and then depletes. What time of day do you take your anti depressants? The morning? Is that why you initially have energy and then crash several hours later.

I think you need to push your gp for a medication review and referral to specialist.

Have you considered counselling/therapy? It might help with the breakdowns and anxiety.

OP. Me too. It's shit.

In all absolute honesty, no, it’s probably not ideal for your kids, but it can’t be helped and they will cope. As they are at school in the week, can you look other ways to spend time together for weekends by planning activities that still allow you to rest? Films on the sofa or sitting with them quietly whilst they do activities like jigsaws?

My DM was in bed a lot when I was growing up and I didn’t have any siblings so often my only activity was watching the dust float in the sun rays! It was very depressing and I have no relationship with my DM. We don’t talk anymore and I resent her for wasting my childhood. But she was a lone parent! If you aren’t then it isn’t really on the same level as the children still have that parental interaction

Hi op, venlafaxine are not Prozac ( fluoxetine are ) and I was taking fluoxetine for a couple of years for my anxiety/OCD and was like you. I was switched to venlafaxine around 18 months ago and they're so much better.

I also have fibromyalgia and am in constant pain. Once the initial stiffness eases off of a morning and I've taken my painkillers I am pretty good energy wise.
I dip early afternoon. I never go to bed though as I have insomnia and try to associate my bed with night time sleeping only and on the odd time I've done it I've almost slept through my alarms to get up for the school run.
If I have a nap it's one hour timed on the sofa and that really helps me.

Have you had a full set of bloods done recently? It could be a case of you needing a supplement or it could be CFS or similar.

In response to your op though, you are absolutely not a bad mum.
Quite the opposite.

If you don't look after yourself then how on earth can you look after anyone else?
I've been chronically ill for 14 years. Ds is 16 so never remembers it any other way. Dd is 8 and this is her norm.

My dc are very aware of my limits and capabilities and know when I'm napping or resting it's because I absolutely need to.
I speak about my condition so it's not a taboo subject and they're both very understanding.
Dp is excellent and although he works full time Monday-Friday he takes a lot of pressure off me of an evening and at weekends. Communication is key.

My mother was like that for three years with a mysterious virus and the only problem I remember on reflection is that as she went to bed before me, I stayed up to all hours, but that was only because there wasn't another adult in the house.

The main thing is to find a solution to your health problem. Personally I would check out acupuncture or some other alternative therapy, as they have a different way of looking at your health, but still keep on insisting that your GP discover what is wrong with you.

@hazell42
I have CFS badly. Am often bedridden. Do you get this prescribed or buy it? What is your medical condition?

I have MS. Not prescribed. I did do a fair amount of research before buying it, both on the company (based in Hong Kong but kind of sounds like a UK company), and on the tablet.

I don't know whether it would work for you, but it enabled to concentrate on my work. I can now do a full days work again and have been taking it for about 4 years, 4 to 5 days a week without any side effects.

Again, not recommending anyone takes drugs, just saying that they worked for me. I saw an article in the Guardian by the writer MJ Hyland talking about taking it (you can still find it online). I cut the article out and carried it around for a year before giving it a go.

Now, if I had to choose between my 'busy pills' and my pain killers, I would choose them because they make me feel productive again

My dad got very tired on antidepressants - the GP changed them and also forced him to do some physical activity every day no matter how tired he felt - just minor walking etc not talking about running a marathon. Within a couple of weeks he was a new man honestly. Tiredness breeds tiredness and the less you do the less you want to do. The first few weeks are really like (like having a new born baby) but if you can push yourself to do a little bit of exercise you may find you see a dramatic improvement. Plus exercise has all those other great benefits which pills can't fix. Now the nights are lighter and it's getting warmer it might be the perfect time to have a go. Hope you feel better soon :-)

Does your family go with you when you walk?

I think your husband mirrors more normal behaviour?

I wonder if you're also bored? And that's why maybe you go back to bed? I know when I'm bored my energy levels drop and I can't be arsed doing anything.

I also wonder if there is an element of opting out of family life, not having to deal with stuff, so bed is an easy answer, and also a habit you've now formed.

Have you tried nutritionist? Make sure you get one with reputable training. The levels they accept as normal for lots of things are not the same as gp. Dsis has a thyroid issue noticed this way and Ds a zinc deficiency (both are now treated on nhs)

Do you stay in bed then for the rest of the day? How long are you in bed at the weekend?

Could you go to bed as soon as the kids are at school and save your energy for when the kids are home? The might enjoy helping you cook.

I have fibromyalgia and ME, and totally sympathise.

Have you looked into pacing or the spoon theory? I use a notebook to plan tasks that need to be done over the course of a week, then mark them depending on how much energy (or how many ‘spoons’) they will take, to make sure I don’t overload myself on one day. For me personally, I tend to be best mid-morning, so plan to do stuff then, then I sleep for two hours during the day while the kids are at school so I’ve got some back-up energy for when they get home.

On a weekend I try to plan some quiet times during the day for myself to recharge, or have help from friends. Early bedtimes are completely essential for me, too!

Don’t allow yourself to be fobbed off though - if this is affecting your everyday life you are totally justified in pushing your GP to investigate further!

Thank you to everyone for the helpful and understanding comments.

The first week of holidays hasn't been too bad - I've taken the kids out with me for walks/visits in the mornings, had lunch together, then I've napped in the pm whilst they read/tv.

This pattern is fine, but at weekends we can't really do it, as I use all my energy up by taking them to clubs in the morning, then I bring them back and have to head into bed. So I never tend to properly see them.

There were some good comments to take on board. The one about opting out of family life - sometimes I am guilty of this, as DH and I both like to be 'in charge', so when he's home it is often easier to leave him to it and absent myself.

Exercise is part of my life, and maybe it is going to show some more rewards. But I will also revisit GP to ask about my ads. I have experimented with the time of day I take them, but it has to be at bedtimes, otherwise I get awful dreams. Hate these things, but yes I've done a lot of counselling, even been an inpatient in psychiatric care once before children, so I have a lot of the 'toolbox'. DX with neurosis - which I think is personality based. I know there are things I can do, but its a chronic thing.

Proxac made me very tired but weaned slowly off it and am taking St John's wort now. It's made such a difference. There are some more sedating and some less so, might be a matter of finding another...that said prozac was meant to be one of the less sedating ones.

When you say you bring them back from their clubs at the weekend op, then head to bed, is that till the next day?

I have CFS and I’m a lone parent (dc 14 and 8). They’ve just had to learn to live with the fact that I’m often tired/asleep, and they find their own entertainment. It’s not ideal but when I am awake I do what I can with them, and they know I love them. In between attacks I really make the most of it with them. I think it’s better to have a nice mum who is asleep a lot of the time than a horrible/abusive mum who’s awake!

It's not great, sorry. Honestly, my mum was like this for a time in my early teens. It was largely due to depression brought on by a number of factors. She would come home from work and go straight to bed and stay there all day. It wasn't great. She didn't notice when my clothes wore out and my shoes became broken or when I had various issues that I then had to sort myself. It lead to me getting into difficulty in my teenage years, as nobody had enough time or energy to really check what was going on with me. She was not an involved mother during that time.

I almost fell into the same trap when my eldest was about 7. I was so bone tired that I was convinced I had ME or something similar. I started staying in bed a lot. Then one day I realised that all my daughter was seeing of me was this lump in the duvet, just like I did my mum.

Basically I stopped going to bed, even though I felt so tired that I just wanted to curl up and die. I made myself stay up. I also went to the doctors, tweaked around with antidepressants, and starting taking vast amounts of vitamins and supplements. I pushed myself until I broke some sort of tiredness barrier, and actually I've never felt like that bad again, despite having newborns since.

I suspect there may be an underlying autoimmune issue amongst the women in my family, as both my grandmother, mother and myself have certain conditions which seem to me to be linked to our exhaustion/occasional depressive episodes.

So my suggestion is perhaps rather simplistic, but don't go to bed. You haven't been diagnosed with anything that could be causing more than the usual amount of tiredness, so look to your mind and your diet and see if you can make changes there. You don't "have" to go to bed, but you're likely mentally exhausted. Going to bed doesn't solve anything as it doesn't make you feel better. Go back to your GP, try different tablets, and push through as much as you can.

You go to bed because you're tired, so why don't you use the energy your using on walks and gym and spend time with your kids? Sounds back to front and selfish.

Minesapineappledelight, I do see what you are suggesting and occasionally I cant go to bed, if we're travelling or something. But the physical tiredness makes me feel sick, i slur my words, cant think straight and cant balance. Like the worst days of having a newborn when you are so tired you could weep.

I do gym and walking when kids are in school, not at weekends or holidays, which is the only time they see me in bed.

My DM spent lots of time on bed, she still lives a very sedentary lifestyle.
We got ourselves ready for school, we usually looked messy, hair and clothes etc.
The house wasn't tidy or organised, hours was spent searching out socks.
Yes it had a big effect on us growing up, she was depressed I know it now it still messed us up, I find myself wanting to sleep in the day, I really try to avoid doing as my DM did.
Get to the doctor see if they can help. How is your diet? Food can effect a person's energy.

Awww lovely. I co.pletely understand how you feel. I live day to day and have learned to never make promises because I never know what kind of day I will have until I wake up. I have Fibromyalgia and I absolutely agree with pp about the spoon theory. I have involved my kids in learning about medical information regarding my condition. There are some brilliant child friendly YouTube videos that explain severe fatigue.
Please be kind to yourself. You are not a bad mum, you are poorly and doing the best you can. When they are older, they will understand and actually, they will have a better understanding of others, compassion and empathy.
We are all just doing our best to get through the day. Your kids are loved, fed and healthy. The fact that you are questioning whether you are a 'bad mum' speak volumes about how much you care. I'm here if you need an ear xxx

Yes, that's how it takes me too. I wasn't able to write at one point - the letters went all funny. Awful. It definitely got worse before it got better, but it did get better. Try a strong coffee and going out for your walk when you feel most tired. Sounds counter productive but it works. As a PP said, tiredness breeds tiredness, but if you can push past it, you will rejig your body clock eventually and stop needing the naps. I couldn't nap in the day time now if I wanted to. Obviously none of this will work if it does turn out you have an underlying issue that still hasn't shown up in tests, so it's probably worth going back to your GP again.