Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Cheeky man online dating or aibu?

69 replies

Notcool1984 · 30/03/2019 18:16

Am I being too sensitive?
Dipping my toes in online dating since split with exDH almost three years ago. Put that I have kids in my intro to be honest.
Got a message from a guy around 20 years older and as far from an oil painting as you can get. He says: you have kids which puts a stop to anything romantic between us, but I think we can still be friends.
Is this how lowly I am thought of now? I'm mid 30s, averagly attractive, have a great career, fantastic friendships and people I wouldn't look twice at irl are rejecting me because I have kids?
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have wanted to date him (he is close in age to my dad!!) , but I just feel a bit deflated. Was he rude to contact me in the first place, or am I sensitive?

OP posts:

Hushnownobodycares · 30/03/2019 20:55

He's a chancer rude but yes, you're too sensitive. Just block and move on.

minou123 · 30/03/2019 21:09

I understand where you are coming from and that he's knocked your confidence a little. Your single and some knobhead has told you he doesn't like something you can't change. Why did he do that?

The positive that's come out of this is that you realised immediately that he is a cockwomble. You have the instincts to recognise the idiots on OLD.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/03/2019 21:35

It was supposed to knock your confidence - he's a person who gets off on slagging women off. Maybe because none of them want to have much to do with him. That's why he's on OLD. He's probably never had a date out of it, but it's a nice release for the bitterness, getting to send mean messages to women from the safety of his potting shed with its internet connection

You REALLY mustn't give it the time of day - he's basically trolling. You could always reply -

'Hi, thanks for your message. Sorry you seem lonely. Have you tried local groups, maybe at the church, or OAP type things? Wishing you all the best.'

You'll get a total flood of viciousness in return probably though, which you could just reply LOL to.

Shamoogren · 30/03/2019 22:00

Absolutely negging. Call him out on it, tell him it's a horrible approach then block and move on.

And of course you will meet someone lovely. There are plenty around. You just have to sift through the weirdos. All the best

randomchap · 30/03/2019 22:17

If you don't know what negging is, I'd suggest looking up the pick up artist (pua) movement and their so called techniques.

Hopefully this'll help you avoid this sort of arsehole.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pickup_artist

Bunch of wierdos

Flyhighmypretties · 30/03/2019 22:31

I've never heard of negging myself, interesting.

When I was online dating some guy contacted me just to inform me I had a spelling mistake in my profile. There's some weirdos out there.

cabingirl · 30/03/2019 22:40

Just reply:

"Hahahahahaha - you're hilarious!"

Then ignore

ChoccieEClaire · 30/03/2019 22:45

OLD is a funny place but there are some genuine people on there that will not have an issue with you having children. It's much better that you get that out there on your profile as you have done so they can then make a decision befire contacting you.
This particular man sounds like a dick but you have to be quite thick skinned when dating online, just remember he doesn't know you so his judgement counts for nothing.
Make sure you have set your age limits properly.

Originofstars · 30/03/2019 22:46

I agree re his conduct minou. My experience was only tinder where you had to match before you could message and as with OP I included references to being a mum in my profile, so I never had an issue.

But my point was aside from his unacceptable behaviour, the wording of the OP suggests that she feels that people she's not attracted to but who may be attracted to her should not be so particular over her having kids, because they'd be lucky to connect with someone with her stated charms! It's arrogant

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 22:51

'Oh I'm far too young for you, don't think we'd have anything in common'

Ffs. Most women our age or older will have children. It's more unusual not to.

minou123 · 31/03/2019 08:31

Originofstars ah, I see what you are saying.

Its interesting that we both get different perpective from the OP. They way I see it, is the OP has just dipped her toe in OLD, not knowing what is out there and if anyone will be interested in her. She gets a rude message from this guy and thinks "fuck, even the guys I'm not attracted to don't want to be with me because I have children". I'm not sure this is arrogance.

Notastepparentbut · 31/03/2019 09:14

I had read it like originofstars did too. Maybe it’s just how it comes across maybe the op didn’t mean it like that.

Originofstars · 31/03/2019 10:10

Possible I've misinterpreted! Either way the guy is an arse

minou123 · 31/03/2019 10:12

Yep, the guy is definitely an arse. Unfortunately there are too many of them on OLD

BottleOfJameson · 31/03/2019 13:09

Of course having kids will mean that you're not a long term prospect for some men that's absolutely fine and I wouldn't hold it against them at all. However the way he wrote that message is rude. He could have just said he wasn't looking for romance but was interested in friendship. I wouldn't even bother replying to him.

Original poster

Notcool1984 · 31/03/2019 16:49

I get that, re: kids. That is why I clearly put that I have them in my intro. I wouldn't contact someone I don't find attractive / had different politics as just to tell them they were not desirable to me.
I feel like my horrible ex had my best years in a way and find it hard enough. I have low self esteem and think he just made it worse. I didn't want to know someone old enough to be my dad thought I was damaged goods because of my kids, who by the way are my absolute life.
Thanks all.

OP posts:

sagradafamiliar · 31/03/2019 17:04

You're not damaged goods (as I'm sure you know), you're a mother. Some men can't handle that they won't ever be the priority, some men don't want commitment and therefore wouldn't want to mess around a woman who was in the market for a serious relationship, some men have their own children and don't want any more into the mix, the reasons go on...
In any case, I think this particular neghead saw your profile, thought you'd never be interested in him and couldn't resist making himself known to you on the off chance it would intrigue you into conversation.

PH03b3 · 31/03/2019 17:49

Man seems to think in the online world if a woman puts a profile on a dating site they are therefore fair gain to anybody and its his duty as a man to go through each individually. He was extremely rude!
I wouldn't date parents but i wouldn't do what he did.
When I was 24 i online dated and men in their 50s thought it acceptable to message me!

Ella1980 · 31/03/2019 18:09

I met my fiance through OLD-I was 36 at the time with a 7 and 9 yo. He had been married before and had always wanted children but they couldn't have them (not the reason they split). So for him, meeting somebody with a ready-made family was a big advantage.

In an ideal world he would like a child of his own but he always knew that it would be unlikely as we are really not well off financially and I was already 36 when we first met. I don't think we'll make the decision to try for any more for many reasons although there will always be sadness in us both that we never did.

Having said all of that, my set-up is different to most in that I have my boys 50:50 (not through choice). I ended up in relationships with men (most with children of their own) that in retrospect took advantage of this because in effect they weren't "inconvenienced" by my children.

Naturally you are very proud of your children. Yes some men don't want to get involved with someone that has children already and I think if they are honest about that straight away then I would respect their honesty far more than if they pretended they didn't mind but really did.

I always said that my children are not baggage-they are two of the most precious people in my life and always will be. There are men out there who will respect that, I promise you.

Flip

1 2 3