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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cheeky man online dating or aibu?

69 replies

Notcool1984 · 30/03/2019 18:16

Am I being too sensitive?
Dipping my toes in online dating since split with exDH almost three years ago. Put that I have kids in my intro to be honest.
Got a message from a guy around 20 years older and as far from an oil painting as you can get. He says: you have kids which puts a stop to anything romantic between us, but I think we can still be friends.
Is this how lowly I am thought of now? I'm mid 30s, averagly attractive, have a great career, fantastic friendships and people I wouldn't look twice at irl are rejecting me because I have kids?
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have wanted to date him (he is close in age to my dad!!) , but I just feel a bit deflated. Was he rude to contact me in the first place, or am I sensitive?

OP posts:

Notastepparentbut · 30/03/2019 18:55

He’s chancing his arm and thinks the negative will prick you intoresponding. Block.

BlueSaphire · 30/03/2019 18:56

Yes he was rude, and he obviously has an over inflated ego.
Block him.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/03/2019 19:00

It was rude to contact you to say it but you cant seriously be surprised that some people are put off dating single parents?

I'm sure she's well aware that plenty of people don't want the 'baggage' of dating a single mum or dad, which they have every right to do. It's just very weird for him to take the trouble to get in touch and tell her that she doesn't meet his requirements.

It's a little bit like if you go to a craft fair and see some hideous monstrosities for sale on a table, behind which stands their proud creator. You just keep on walking by, maybe with a slight smile at the stallholder, and spend your money elsewhere. Only a really nasty person would deliberately walk over and pointedly tell the 'artist' what utter talentless, worthless crap they'd made.

Just for the avoidance of any possible awkwardness, my analogy is purely in the specifically taking the trouble to tell somebody that they/their goods aren't what you're looking for. I'm absolutely and categorically NOT in any way suggesting that the OP (or indeed any other single parents) are hideous monstrosities....

Peghi · 30/03/2019 19:00

I'm not interested in men with kids, that's a legitimate choice. However, that doesnt mean theres no one who will be interested. Are you open to men with kids?

Peghi · 30/03/2019 19:01

Also, hes a dick.

JacquesHammer · 30/03/2019 19:02

He could be a dick, he could be genuinely looking for friends.

Either way you don’t need to engage with him any further. Just move on.

Bobbycat121 · 30/03/2019 19:03

I did say it was rude to message it, however my comment was in reference to I'm mid 30s, averagly attractive, have a great career, fantastic friendships and people I wouldn't look twice at irl are rejecting me because I have kids? Yes alot of people would reject someone who has kids, its a reality not an insult, im a single parent myself.

minou123 · 30/03/2019 19:04

"Negging" is a type of manipulation. So when he says "I don't want to be with you cos you have children ", you're meant to say "oh my god, he is such a challange. I am going to do everything to show him I'm brilliant and my children are fantastic and he'll want to be with me"

I've been negged before. The guy said, "when I first saw you I thought you were stuck up and a bitch, but now that I've got to know you, I think you are really cool" . This is such a backhanded compliment, designed to make me feel bad that i come across as a bitch and now I should prove to him that I'm not a bitch. Unfortunately, it did not work out - for him. I told him his first instincts were correct, and I had no interest in him.
(I have to ask loads of people if I come across badly, but everyone said that I'm lovely and approachable! )

Originofstars · 30/03/2019 19:09

I think OP you're slightly guilty of doing what that man did. Do you think that people who you wouldn't look twice at should overlook you having kids when it's not what they want on the basis of your attractiveness, career and friends?

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 30/03/2019 19:13

Negging is an attempt at reverse psychology that is so blatant I'm always stunned it ever works. If you haven't heard of it the Wiki article is a must read.

''Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval.''

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging

Notastepparentbut · 30/03/2019 19:13

By the way. I don’t date people with kids.

But I wouldn’t even message someone with kids.

It’s not my thing. I have no interest in someone who has kids. I’m not going there.

And that’s a valid decision by me.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/03/2019 19:15

He says: you have kids which puts a stop to anything romantic between us, but I think we can still be friends.

The sheer arrogance of this is in him assuming that he holds all of the cards and, instead of you both independently putting out feelers and being proactive in the hope of maybe meeting somebody you find attractive who also finds you attractive, he's treating you like an object in a shop that the owner is desperate to sell for any price and he, the 'customer', is always right. There's no question at all that HE might not be an attractive proposition.

Even if he'd said something like "I'm not really looking for a full-on relationship right now, but you seem lovely - would you be interested in meeting on a friendly level?", that would have been a little bit odd as that's obviously not what most people use OLD for - there are plenty of established 'make a new friend' sites and methods.

He's using the word 'friend' as in FWB, but not even with the added aspect of friendship. It sounds like he's after an easy lay and, just in case you hesitate, he's gaslighting you into thinking that you can't really expect anything better now, so you should feel grateful. He couldn't be more wrong - or less worthy of bothering to reply to.

ooooohbetty · 30/03/2019 19:16

You haven't done anything wrong OP. Anyone who doesn't want to date you because you have children (Which is fair enough) has no reason to contact you. He is a CF/weirdo who is after a shag. Your choice is answering 'your face means nothing romantic could ever happen between us, and your face is also the reason we can't be friends' Or just block him.

Widowodiw · 30/03/2019 19:23

That’s pretty mellow for old in my experience. I’d been messaging someone for a whilst whose now decided we could only ever be friends because I won’t help him with his financial situation. He expected me to lend him money - we’d never even met. He decides this after two more times of him hinting he needed money and me ignoring the hints. Apparently he can’t be with a woman who won’t support him no matter what he’s going through. I’d only messaged him ffs , I hadn’t married him. Told him to jog on pretty quickly . Actually a shame as other than that we had a lot in common- or maybe we didn’t and he just made out we did in order to manipulate me lol

zippey · 30/03/2019 19:25

Yes, he isn’t negging you. He is testing the waters to see if you want to be a fwb

BaeBae · 30/03/2019 19:25

Rude arsehole. Just feel glad he showed you who he was straight away. Block and forget the miserable old twunt.

MadisonMontgomery · 30/03/2019 19:27

I honestly think a lot of men doing OLD presume you are so desperate you will literally shag anything - I have been amazed at the amount of men older than my dad who genuinely seem to think I would snap them up! I would reply back to him thanking him for his kind offer - obviously he’s too old to be your friend, so could you pass his details on to your lonely grandpa?

minou123 · 30/03/2019 19:29

Originofstars - I don't agree with you at all. The OP should not have any guilt. She may have thought he was to old and she didn't want to date him, but the difference is she did not message him and tell him.

Its quite easy on OLD, if you don't like some looks, age, children, career, dress sense, humour..... you click and move on. The beauty is, the other person will never know that you don't like them. All he had to do was click on the next person, the OP would never have known he does not want to date someone with children. She would have been blissfully unaware that there was someone in the world who didn't want a relationship with her. But instead he chose to message her and tell her.

RagingWhoreBag · 30/03/2019 19:33

He could be a dick, he could be genuinely looking for friends. Yes many men on dating sites are looking for female friends half their age.

RagingWhoreBag · 30/03/2019 19:34

Love Madison’s idea I would reply back to him thanking him for his kind offer - obviously he’s too old to be your friend, so could you pass his details on to your lonely grandpa?

iano · 30/03/2019 19:35

'You're too old'. Then block.
Online dating is really hard work. I hope you have a more positive experience soon.

JacquesHammer · 30/03/2019 19:51

Yes many men on dating sites are looking for female friends half their age

Either way what’s the point in wasting headspace on him. OP isn’t interested, job done.

SeventhWave · 30/03/2019 20:33

I honestly think a lot of men doing OLD presume you are so desperate you will literally shag anything
Yes, they tend to assume that you are on OLD for the same reason they are

TeaForTheWin · 30/03/2019 20:36

My first thought was 'negging' too. Avoid him like the plague.

Original poster

Notcool1984 · 30/03/2019 20:51

Thanks all.
I know a lot of men are put off dating someone with kids - fine of course, it was just that he bothered to message me and tell me. Knocked my confidence a bit. At his age though you would expect a lot of women have kids no? Or he actually thinks women 20 years younger would jump at the chance?

OP posts:

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