Taking the bedroom door...

[Mamabeartofive]

Taking my 15yo DS bedroom door... been stealing cigarettes from me (no judgement pls I'm trying to quit) and my neighbour (babysits there), smashing up my house and messing about with spray paint. He's so angry all the time and has smashed holes in the walls, smashed doors and cabinets now. I've tried talking to him but usually just calls me a cut and smashes something else. Most recently it was a plate of dinner at my back door and a phone!
He's been messing about with spray paint in his room at night with all the windows shut, the smell gets everywhere, I asked him if it was a school project or something (gentle approach) was told to F off, so outright asked what he's doing was told to F off again and called a cnt again, a friend of mine died from inhaling gas from aerosol when we were kids and that terrifies me more than his attitude and the smoking. I'm here screwdriver in hand ready to take his door until he shows me, his sibling and my house some bloody respect! AIBU???

I would call the police if he is smashing up the house. Has he had treatment for mental health difficulties. I think you may be putting your own life in danger taking down the door as far more extreme intervention is needed.

I would imagine taking the door would escalate things rather than make him think about what he is doing and tbh, I don’t agree with removing privacy anyway. It does sound like you need some help though, you can’t deal with this alone

He’s babysitting small children? You need to knock that on the head until he sorts himself out

Take the aerosols out of your house if he starts to kick off call the police no messing around

@junebirthdaygirl he has had interventions through school before because of his behaviour. He is driving me insane!!!!

Police. This will only get worse. Don't take the door off, that will be a red rag to a bull buy each and every time he does this call the police. He had absolutely no right to be stealing from you and others, or smashing up and vandalizing your home. Does he have any additional needs? Anything that has triggered this behaviour that perhaps counselling or some sort of anger management could help?

I took the spray away straight away and all the other aerosols out the bathroom too, his bedroom is in an attached granny annex type set up downstairs, I'm at my wits end with him. The kids he babysits for are 11 & 13, next door neighbours children. I've told her about this but she still asks him to look after them

Taking the door will do nothing here. Seriously, this is a really messed up kid. You need massive intervention here.

I would
take him out of the granny annexe and back to the main house
Tell neighbour he is no longer babysitting for them
Call social services and ask for immediate help. (He is violent!!)
Tell him the next time he is violent you are calling the police
Call the police when he is violent .

@BricksInTheWall no he has no additional needs, he's always been a little shit, playing up at school, stealing at school and at home, lying etc. I've been to the school for help and they got him in to speak to the pastoral care team for a few months. It's so bad to say but he's like a psycho, he lies like crazy and can fake it in front of anyone, got reported to the rspca for killing a seagull, He went through a stage of fake fainting and even went to a&e a few times before we realised what was going on! Makes me feel like the shittiest mum ever but my other 4 don't have any issues like this, the odd temper tantrum or argument at school, nothing like this!

Ok so I won't take the door...
he can't come back into the main house as when we renovated, his old room is now a bathroom.
I've kept over 5 years of videos and voice recordings of his outbursts, he's hit me before when I was pregnant, his grandad was here and saw it and grabbed him and restrained him to the floor. Until he calmed down. I've never seriously considered going to the police, I'm terrified of SSgetting involved!

Yes he does have additional needs. He has a mental illness. It’s not a normal way to behave. Get him on medication and into an anger management course

I once threatened to take my dd11 door. School reported the threat to SS who said it was tantamount to abuse. (ridiculous)
Given your situation, maybe SS getting involved would be a help?

@Ihatehashtags
I've been to the gp and it was no help, he faked the whole appointment, he acted like I was overreacting to everything. The only time he has accepted help was when he got caught stealing 2 phones and an iPod at school, even then he acted the sweetest innocent little boy until they took him off of the pastoral care list. 2 weeks later stoned down a seagull mid flight and killed it, he's y11 now so even the school don't seem to care anymore, he's only got about 9 weeks left there

I know it’s a horrifying thought to involve social services but you need to. He is using aerosols to get high, he is violent, he steals. You need intervention that involves your whole family, his school, social services, the police, Cahms, and whatever else social services can throw at him. Honestly, you can’t just hope this will go away. It won’t and he will grow to be an absolutely vile adult causing horrific problems for everyone that encounters him.

@Imawake ss have been involved previously due to a dv issues with my ex dh, kids were really young then, he was 4 when I got out of there. So scared to get them involved again

I echo others who advise calling police

Why are you terrified of SS? They are not going to judge you or drag your ds from you! Horror stories of SS are usually wildly exaggerated and often completely untrue. Lots of parents screaming about them removing children for no reason without mentioning the drug addiction, dv, extreme neglect and child abuse going on.

Yes, they make mistakes, but that is usually when they fail to remove children from harmful situations because they are desperately trying to keep kids with their families.

Your ds and your family obviously desperately needs help, and SS can provide that. It's been five years! FIVE years. What harm do you think SS will do compared to not getting him help?

You have four other children - so none of them have a room that could be swapped with his? It does sound awful but this is your son you are talking about - if he has been a “little shit” all his life what’s been done about it? What interests does he have? The killing a bird thing is appalling.

When was the house renovated and his room turned into a bathroom? Whilst as parents we see having your bedroom as your kind of setup as a kind of privilege, but he may see it differently?

What did SS do last time that has you so afraid? You are away from the dv, you still have your dc?

Is it likely that the DV situation when he was a very young child has contributed to him being a little shit ever since ?

You need to get SS involved... there is no one else and if he keeps going this way then he will ruin his own life

He asked to move downstairs, we only had the downstairs bathroom at the time so he now has his room and own bathroom and his old box room is now the family bathroom upstairs.
As for SS when I was hospitalised by my ex dh, SS stepped in and threatened to take the children, offered no help or refuge advice, just get rid of him or we will take the children. I did exactly that, I ran, left everything and started over from scratch. I had that bad experience with them that makes me worried for them to be involved, he's such a compulsive liar I hate to think what he's say about me, I'd end up losing all my other children!! I'm going to close this thread down now. It's abit to much for me, I don't think I was actually ready to discuss this. Thank you all so much for your advise and suggestions, I'm taking it all in I just can't talk about it anymore, I'm sorry

Think of the effect this could have on your other kids, any violence phone the police. One of my DD when she was 15 came home drunk and attacked her older DD, I called the police, they got permission from SS and held her overnight; that gave her a huge wake up call, changed says she's now at Uni.

He sounds seriously disturbed, op. Why do you think Social Services were wrong to threaten to remove your children if you stayed with the man who’d just put you in hospital?