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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing more and more of pil

32 replies

LastHalfStone · 29/03/2019 17:59

I like my pil, we’re not super close but we get on well. Since the birth of DS now 10 months old, my husband has been wanting to spend more and more time with his parents. I understand he wants them to have a close relationship, but we don’t spend that much time with my parents! I suppose I can see from this extra time that DS is more comfortable with his parents, and I want him to have that relationship with mine, who are equally lovely. It’s causing resentment in me and coming across to him that I don’t want to see his parents, which isn’t the case.

Also I’d like to spend a bit of time each weekend with our parents, but mostly prioritise time as the three of us. But he doesn’t seem bothered by that, instead suggesting spending hours with his parents on a weekend.

I know it’s a good thing he wants to see them and I only hope my DS wants to see us when he’s all grown up! So I shouldn’t feel too annoyed, but I do. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable and am fully willing to be told that I am.

So aibu to feel this way? And either way, how can I resolve this with my marriage intact and happy?

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 29/03/2019 18:03

Compromise! Which it sounds like you are very willing to do - ask him to reduce the time a bit, but not drastically.
Is there a reason you don’t see as much of your parents? Would you like to?

GreenTulips · 29/03/2019 18:05

There nothing stopping him seeing his parents
You don’t have to go
You can go see yours

Original poster
LastHalfStone · 29/03/2019 18:21

Green tulips- that’s true but each set want to see DS, he’s the main issue I suppose. So wherever he goes, there’s one set of grandparents not seeing him.

Tinyvulture- when I’ve said about reducing the time before he’s become very defensive! Caused an argument as he thought I wanted to see more of my parents and less of his.

It just feels that after we’ve got back from his parents, we pop to mine but then have to go home to put baby to bed and give him food etc.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 29/03/2019 18:23

Alternate weekends.

Unless there's a massive backstory?

Original poster
LastHalfStone · 29/03/2019 18:39

No back story!

Don’t think DH would want to go two weeks without seeing them to be honest!

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 29/03/2019 18:42

Tell him it needs to be even so say Saturday is just the three of you and Sunday is for grandparents, your parents one week and his parents the next

KC225 · 29/03/2019 18:43

I agree, alternate weekends. If you split the time it is the only fair way.

ClaraTheClown · 29/03/2019 18:44

While I think it’s lovely that both sets of gps want to see your ds so often, I think I would find every weekend a bit much. And I do think it’s unfair that he won’t consider alternative weekends. If he uses every weekend, there is none for your parents and family time. How much time are we talking each weekend?

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 29/03/2019 18:44

Do they help out a lot with DS so DH can chill out, more so than with your parents? I don't mean do they help out more than your folks but maybe he feels he doesn't have to do as much with his own folks?! The first year or so can be So stressful he may just be using them to take the pressure off his own parenting duties... 🤔

nespressowoo · 29/03/2019 18:47

You have my sympathies. We've just moved closer to ILs and haven't had a weekend where we've not seen them since November. I love them to pieces but I need space too. I lost it last night and said to DH next weekend is just us, we are not seeing anyone.

RomanyQueen1 · 29/03/2019 18:55

Just alternate once a month each side of grandparents and the other 2 weeks the three of you.
if you go to your ils he should go to his.

starshollow1 · 29/03/2019 22:46

Yanbu op. I really like @CalmdownJanet suggestion. Very fair and you still get important family time with just you three too.

SandyY2K · 29/03/2019 23:07

I'd like some weekends to relax tbh.

Is he good with looking after DS? Because Id let him go and see his parents with DS sometimes.

I don't always want DH to be with me when I see my folks. Marriage doesn't make us joined at the hip.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/03/2019 23:10

Argh. When is your family time? While you're busy trying to make sure that each set of grandparents gets equal time with this child (and ffs, it's a child not ice cream, you don't have to make sure everything is shared exactly equally every time) when is your family time?

Sounds like your partner is a lazy fuck - would much rather spend his weekends with his folks so they can cook, do childcare and act like his presence is a massive treat. Heaven forfend he should have a normal, low key weekend where he looks after his own child and spends quality time with his wife.

And he couldn't imagine going more than a week without seeing his parents? Congrats, op, he's a man child.

IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 30/03/2019 11:42

Just had a massive fight over this with my DH. Every weekend he wants to see his parents who I thought I had a good relationship with. He also wants me to contact them on my days off when I have DD alone so they can come over.
I turned it around and asked if he would want my parents coming over as much as his parents do and if he would like my parents coming over on his days off work. Now I've had a massive falling out with my PILs as they think I now dont want anything to do with them or for them to see DD 🙄

Hollowvictory · 30/03/2019 11:46

He takes baby to see his parents. You don't need to go with him. Have some time off you are not joined at the hip.

M4J4 · 30/03/2019 11:47

Why can't you tell DH that you will take it in turns? E.g. one weekend his parents, one weekend your parents and the next weekend family time? (it doesn't have to be as rigid as that of course).

M4J4 · 30/03/2019 11:48

Hollowvictory - OP wants to be with her DS though, and she wants her parents to have a relationship with him too.

SwoopTheJackpot · 30/03/2019 11:49

How near are both sets of GP? Can they come to your house instead of you going to each GP.

Original poster
LastHalfStone · 30/03/2019 11:51

Thanks for all your replies. It will have to stay as seeing them all every weekend, I don’t think he’d even consider every other week to be honest. He’s really good win DS, I don’t think it’s that he wants his parents to just take over and he can chill out. He just wants them to see DS so much! They care for him during the week too while we’re at work so it’s not like they don’t have plenty of time with him!

It’s really starting to make me feel resentful. Like when his parents phone I inwardly roll my eyes and feel annoyed by them, but it’s not even them, it’s him! I need to nip it in the bud!

I think I’ll just make plenty of plans with my parents so I don’t feel it’s unequal. But then he’ll be making all the plans with his parents and we won’t get any family time Sad

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 30/03/2019 11:51

She doesn't need to be with her ds 24 hours a day and it doesn't stop her parents seeing him does it? Obviously if you are insistent that you can never be parted fom. Your child then yes it's a problem. But if you say dh take ds to your oar3on Saturday, I'm go into the cinema with friends or the gym or the hairdresser or having a lie in or reading a book or climbing a mountain or whatever. Then we'll. Pop to my parents on Sunday or the following weekend or whatever. I'm not seeing a problem tbh

Hollowvictory · 30/03/2019 11:52

Op go out and do something else whilst your dh takes ds to your parents, go and have some child free fun.

Original poster
LastHalfStone · 30/03/2019 11:52

They are both quite close, mine within walking distance and his a short drive away. So if we were to only see my parents once a fortnight they’d wonder what’s going on as they’re so close!

And yes I’d like to be with DS, although the odd weekend I think I’ll give it a miss and have some me time!

OP posts:
Furrydogmum · 30/03/2019 11:54

We live in the same village as pils and see them 10 times a year tops - even when the children were small 😁

Original poster
LastHalfStone · 30/03/2019 11:55

Furry dog - sounds less stressful!!

OP posts:
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