To wonder if you can bully proof your life...especially at work?

[malificent7]

I start a work placement as a student next week. I'm excited but a bit anxious as i have been bullied in previous jobs ( teachng.) Not all roles but some.
Anyway my lecturer reassuringly quipped that bullying in the nhs is rife. Aggggrrr.
How does one bullyproof their life? Do i have to be a hard bitch to succeed or do i need to shcmooze and kiss arse?
My mum was bullied badly by a seniour manager and died 1 year later of cancer so i know how awful the problem is.
As you can probably tell, i find workplace politics hard.
Also, why is bullying such a problem? How do they get away with it?

Anywhere you have a heirarchy, you will find bullying .

I wont be thanks for it, but A&E nurses are the worst. One of our DV staff went to deliver a seminar, the pathetic giggling, and refusal to let her in on acronyms and jargon was astounding. Totally purile - and yes it was deliberate bullying.

They get away with it because no one challenges them, no one complains to matron (who in this instance was also in the seminar) no one pushes it up the line.

But it happens in many work places. People are expendable.

On the other hand I've also worked with people who are habitual victims, its a recognised personality trait en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_mentalityand largely they are gossipy attention seekers.

Be honest. When you're always honest, there's nothing for people to catch you out over, or pull you up on.
Being a team player and having a "face that fits" also goes a long way-out far more than should be necessary.

A long way, not a long way-out, sorry. DYAC.

I think you should try not to worry so much about this. Yes bullying is awful and has a terrible impact but I’ve never worked anywhere where it was a serious problem so it’s certainly not true in all workplaces. I’d take the same approach I would at school - if you try to make friends and someone is mean move on until you find someone kind. As far as possible look quizzical if someone says something mean, ask them to repeat what they said and pretend not to understand. If it’s persistent then speak up, ask for help.

Good luck. But really don’t assume it will happen.

I've experienced bullying in two different roles in the NHS. Both times the bully had mental health problems. Whether that is due to the stress of working in the NHS or something else I'm not sure.

All the best with you placement.

I don't mean this to be mean. Quite the opposite. But some people are more bullyable than others. Whilst that is absolutely on the bullies, not the bullied, it's worthwhile knowledge to have in your arsenal.

Three examples:

Me - very adademic. Oddball family. Parents not at all concerned about letting me have the 'right' stuff. Obvious target for bullies. However, I'm very thick skinned, stubborn, and insensititve to the opinions of others (I'm not boasting these as qualities necessarily!). I may have had fewer friends, but it didn't concern me, and bullies gave up because I didn't rise.

My friend - very academic. 'Fit in'. But VERY sensitive to other's opinions, and very sensitive to bullying. Like catnip to bullies, and suffered from their meanness. Even now, is very adaptive to the opinions of others, and sucks up to a girl who used to be horrible to her still.

A boy at school - not academic, but had unfortunate name. Bright ginger hair. Also a potential target of bullies. But so clownish and confident, making a joke out of everything that no one would ever bully him.

I can't really answer your question, but I think it's useful to recognise the person that you are, because it affects the right solution for you.

I'm a nurse, I'm also autistic so a bit of a bully magnet. I haven't been bullied much in my job, but did experience problems with my last manager who was an inadequate, sly thing and I left that job after being there several years.

In my experience, you have to be prepared to walk away rather than address the bullying. Bullies are usually higher up than you and are usually protected in some way. It's far healthier to just find another job than agonise over the situation and make yourself ill.

Joining the nurse bank can enable you to try different wards and departments to find out if there's any particularly difficult people. Some places are toxic and aren't worth bothering with.

Try not to react on an emotional level if you do encounter a tricky person. Practise the grey rock technique. Be polite, but don't get flustered.

Make sure your professional practise is good and don't give anyone any room for criticism.

Don't gossip, but keep your ears open.

Remember that bullies can't be defeated, it's easier to walk away. Don't fight them, it just makes them worse. Bullying constitutes their life's work and is central to their personality and soul. Nothing can stop them and nothing can change them. Taking them on damages you and not them.

I think it's because i am quite a friendly, open person. In the past i have been sensitive to bullied but am cultivating a dont give a shit when people are mean attitude. Not easy but im going to try my hardest!
I am going to try not to be open. I was bullied at svhool. Very posh, expensive school. Didnt have the right stuff. Very academic and sensitive. I tried to not let it get to me but it did.

Not PC probably but you have to not give a shit about being liked. Be an arsehole. Don’t be a pleaser. Being a people pleaser - something females are encouraged to be - - attracts bullies and piss takers because they can sniff desperation. When in a new situation be polite but reserved. Don’t give too much away and observe the group dynamics.

I've not been bullied a great deal over the years unless it's not something I notice. Just get really good at your job, be nice but don't take no shit at the same time!

I was bullied at school but never as an adult.
I’m a different person now - my face fits, I’m friendly, I get on with most people at work, I’m not ‘wimpy’. Obviously anyone could find themselves in a toxic environment and I’ve fitted into some workplaces better than others but I’ve never been bullied.

I agree with @Siameasy. I've found as I've got older I don't really care what people think of me and am not a people pleaser. I go into jobs wanting to perform to the best of my ability but not really bothered about making friends or about people liking me. I think because of this I never get any shit at work or anyone being horrible to me as they don't see me as an easy target. I was bullied and sexually assaulted in a previous job in my early 20s though.

So was I RunAlexRun, bullied by an horrific female boss who hated all other females. Although a really awful experience at the time (21yrs) I was adamant that that would never happen to me again and used it as a learning experience. In my 40s and my work mates joke about me being a sour faced old cow👍🏻YUP

Treat every one, from fellow students/volunteers to the CEO with the same politeness and respect. Don’t collude in the bullying of others...as a minimum walk away but ideally challenge any malicious gossip or verbal attacks on others. Ask clearly if you need help/clarification as in the above example about acronyms. Only real bullies will refuse to answer a direct question and then you can challenge them.

I started working in an office where I was told some months after that, unbeknown to me, my attitude had put a stop to the strong bitchy culture in my office. I learnt that my predecessor was Queen Bee and a massive drama llama. The horrible atmosphere in the office came from the top, ie. her. When she left everyone was expecting another bitchy gossipy type, but I am the opposite, very discrete, confident but not arrogant and polite and friendly, while taking absolutely no shit. I can come across as quite officious but I feel that I am respected. I never gossip, never talk behind people's backs, just get on with my (often stressful, pressured) job. I am not a people pleaser, very much my own person, and while I have some good friends here, I don't get involved with 'girly' lunches and the like. Better to keep an air of mystery and don't tell everyone your personal business, always be professional. Warm and polite with a steely don't mess with me side. That would be how I would describe myself

I was bullied at school. Perfect victim, no self esteem, no friends, social phobia. Now I just make sue I fit in quickly & build a support network fast. Be smiley & chatty to your desk mates or people at the photo copier or on & at reception , ask them about their weekend, offer to get them a drink while you're in the kitchen etc. It's hard to bully someone everyone likes. It's automatic now, but at first I found it hard.

I think as a student in the NHS being helpful and making yourself useful to have around rather than being lots of extra work is the way to go. Confident but not over confident , smile and always be on time .
There will almost always be undercurrents going on .. who doesn’t get on etc etc , it’s always best not to get involved in any way and never say anything negative about your last placements .. folk always know people from everywhere .
Good luck

I have a visible disability, having a disability makes you a magnet for :

A) Bullies
B) Abusers
C) People Who Want To Use You To Bolster either

I) their own ego at your expense
II) other people's perception of them at your expense

I learned a very important lesson about adult bullying last year.

If there is something you feel sensitive about : weight, appearance etc, or anything sensitive about your personal life, don't disclose it in front of someone you don't "have a measure of" if they turn out to be a bullying sort you'd best believe they'll use the stick you gave them to beat you with.

Good Luck on Placement

You don't need to be tough or kiss arse but go into the work place with the attitude of getting the work done and being professional. Observe people for a while before opening up to them.
If some one is nasty don't rise or react and just avoid them. If it's not possible to avoid them keep all exchanges strictly professional.
If you have a bullying boss the only thing from what I've seen is to move jobs , either by internal transfer or leaving.

“Be nice” or “be kind” isn’t the right message IMO. When I was on FB and in parenting groups I noticed that a lot of parents are pushing this “be kind” message to their kids.
Sorry I’m not being kind to anyone who is unkind to me sod that. Don’t reward bad behaviour
“Be appropriate” would be what I would try to keep as my internal thoughts and outlook on life. If someone’s an arsehole I tend to wear my thoughts about them over my face at the very least.

On a roll now
I have another motto
“Don’t apologise don’t explain”
If a bully has a problem with you don’t engage “speak to my manager”
This is from working with someone who was impossible to get on with. If she said it was sunny outside you’d have to check. Compulsive bare faced liar and gas lighter. Twelverife etc would accuse you of things which never happened and seemed to enjoy the protests, she wanted you to bite.

Don't know about actual bullying but avoiding backlash of other people failing to do something then blaming you is always follow up with email eg thanks for your time today, to confirm we agreed x Y and z and my actions are 1 2 and 3 and you have agreed to do a b and c by x date. So when they say they knew nothing about a b and c you have backup to show the correct position, avoids he said she said.

Oh and I'd watch for a disconnect between words and deeds and words and tone

Eg Paying you a compliment, saying all the right words but in a tone that says the opposite

Or telling you things about themselves that don't match the behaviour you witness

Eg SAYS I don't like gossip, but simultaneously bitches about every fucker the second their back turns

I'm another who wqs bullied at school becauseI didn't 'fit'. It's really affected me in life and Ive developed a hard outer shell although I'm pretty sensitive on the inside. I've been told I'm a bit scary at work but I just don't take any crap. It's taken me a while to get there but my advice is just be true to yourself, be honest especially when things go wrong, be a team player but don't get taken for granted and don't get sucked into cliques or politics.

You should always give a shit if people are mean.
At home I am a bit of a softie, but I realised very early on that if you do that at work people will walk all over you.
Cultivate a confident attitude
Make eye contact with everyone. Don't fidget. Try to appear relaxed.
If you are comfortable in your own skin and confident enough to challenge people if they cross lines, you will be fine. You dont need to be aggressive, but do be assertive.
If that doesn't sound like you don't worry
You dont have to do but for ever, just until you have established yourself In the company.
Good luck and try not to worry