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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He wants to come back, but I don't want him back, nor do the DC

111 replies

cheaperthebetter · 28/03/2019 14:15

Hi all,

So he left a week gone yesterday, due to him calling me a 'snake' slag basically because I never answered the phone to him! (Phone in bag actually never heard it!) was with DD at her activity club.
Anyways on the day he left he said "I'm never coming back you know, also I won't be chasing you" I told him " good as I don't want you back nor do I want you to chase me!"
Fast forward, over the last few days he's been really nice (he's chasing btw) so I've been amicable for DC, he keeps suggesting 'why don't we do this on that day' 'that on this day' and when I say "No" as made other plans he starts to 'sigh' and make me feel guilty, to which I actually AM!

I've spoke to DC (4) ages 12,11,9 and 8, they don't want him back living with us, in their words he is 'grumpy, moody, demanding (constantly asks the kids to get him this that and the other eg drink, snack etc) selfish, lazy too,
And they are so RIGHT in their opinions.
Since he has gone, me and DC have had just relaxed and chilled out and the atmosphere in the house is LOVELY!

AIBU by saying to him " YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK CAUSE 'WE' ARE HAPPIER NOW YOU HAVE GONE!"
I know I will feel awful saying this but it's true!

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 29/03/2019 14:17

Don't take him back and although it's hard don't tell him what the kids say.
Your relationship may be over but it sounds like he's just a pain and not a threat to his children.
I would encourage a relationship with their father and make contact between the two parents about the kids only.

RomanyQueen1 · 29/03/2019 14:20

it's up to him to sort his paperwork and prescription.
get everything he may need take it over and leave it on his step.
Then answer emails only and about the dc, do not be drawn in, for the sake of your kids.

Backseatonthebus · 29/03/2019 14:25

Don't get his prescription and don't engage with any of the other stuff he tries. Remember he is not your responsibility. Disengage from his nonsense, and start living your new life Flowers

DorisDances · 29/03/2019 14:27

Unravelling the relationship will be difficult but you sound great OP. Wishing you and your children a happy future

GroggyLegs · 29/03/2019 14:33

Well done OP.
How do you feel now the words are out?

Of course he'll flip it all around & try to change history, but hold on to the truth. Everyone's happier without him and you owe him nothing.

You don't need to get his prescription, but if you do, swear to yourself it's the last favour he gets from you. And I totally agree with changing his name in your phone to whatever the trigger was that made you decide enough was enough. That's a great idea if you're feeling wobbly.

Good luck Flowers

qazxc · 29/03/2019 14:39

Disengage. Get all his stuff to him ASAP and from then on, unless it's about the children, it's not your problem.
Discussions about who is controlling or has mental issues or the kids prefer, are not helpful or constructive. If he continues bringing it up, put the phone down on him. If he is going to become a pest, set up an email address, and tell him that you will only communicate through this.

Original poster
cheaperthebetter · 30/03/2019 09:14

Hi all ... thanks to those with the supporting comments Thanks

Reading through the comments give me the strength, when starting to feel weak.

Now I'm receiving messages of "miss you, love you" etc (eye roll)

Back ground; Not married been together 13 years, 2 DC are his other 2 not, was physically abusive at the start of the relationship for about 4 years, that stopped and carried on with mental and emotional abuse; controlling everything from money, to my friends, to what I should wear etc.

Over last 3 years or so I have stood up to him more, to which it was a constant battle day in day out Sad

Honestly he is a like a serious, irritating rash that will not piss off Sad

Hope this helps ?

Also yes this is the first time I asked the DC what they wanted Thanks

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 30/03/2019 09:25

Stay strong OP. There is no doubt you're doing the right thing. Do you actually have any need to communicate directly with him? If not block his number and communicate through a third party or via email.

JenniferJareau · 30/03/2019 09:28

Stay strong. You will be so much better off without him Flowers

Dungeondragon15 · 30/03/2019 09:31

It sounds like a no-brainer. You and your children will be much happier if he doesn't come back so stay strong and refuse to let him come back.

I disagree with the posters who suggest you leave his stuff outside though. If anything gets damaged or stolen because of that it would really antagonise him and you would be responsible. I would pack all his stuff and arrange a time for him to come and collect it. Discuss with him what is and isn't his to try and ensure no disagreement. Make sure someone else is with you when he comes to collect and don't let him in if he arrives before or after this time. Hopefully, once all his stuff is gone he will realise that things are different this time.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 30/03/2019 09:58

Flowers for op for being so strong and determined, PLEASE stick to your guns this time, we are here for you and many of us have been through this shit, i for one, you are a strong woman and you have perceptive dc who need a strong mum. you CAN do this.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 30/03/2019 10:05

incidently meant to say, i bagged my ex's stuff up when he was due to collect. when i saw his car i put the stuff the front door and photographed it. before going back indoors. and filmed him picking it up and going to his car. when he complained to his solicitor there was supposed to be 5 bags but i'd only left 3 out, he looked stupid as the solicitor requested my 'evidence' and ex lost all credibility.
do not leave it on his door step though. if you take it to him make sure you have back up waiting / watching near by.

GreenTulips · 30/03/2019 10:10

You don’t have to answer the phone

You don’t have to get his prescription - take it he has legs?

Where is he? Back at DMs?

Don’t take him back, keep busy and enjoy the freedom

BorsetshireBlew · 30/03/2019 10:12

The ONLY reason you would be agreeing to take him back is because he wants you to. Why do you think you and the kids matter so little that his wishes are more important than any of yours?

Happynow001 · 30/03/2019 10:17

@theresafoxunderthedecking
That's such a good idea - good thinking - and more fool him!! 😀

Lilymossflower · 30/03/2019 10:32

NEVER TAKE HIM BACK

By any means nessersary, make sure he never comes back.

Its u fair on the kids to have him back and forth and inconsistent flaky and abusive behaviour

Really, completely never let him back. If he wants to see kids set up a consistent day/time each week where he sees them without you there. However if the kids don't want to see him , just make him fuck off!
Look into the legal side of things In case he threatens bullshit custody bullshit

Lilymossflower · 30/03/2019 10:37

Talk to womens aid or similar charity for your area. Even though he has t been physically abusive in a long time, the psychological effects of his long time behaviour is no small thing. Support to ya! Ya strong

wigglypiggly · 30/03/2019 10:39

Block his number, get a new phone if you need to. Seek legal advice if there is property involved and for decisions around visiting the DC, child support and practical stuff. . What's the house situation? Why cant he get his own prescription. Do you have someone who can sit with you while he comes round to collect all his stuff.

Motoko · 30/03/2019 13:26

Know this: he will try any means possible to get you back, from lovebombing, promising to change, to anger, threats to get custody of the children, telling you no-one else will have you, you're an unfit mother, you're mental etc.

Realise these are all lies, he doesn't want to lose his control of you.

As he's been abusive, you need to keep safe. 2 women a week are murdered by their partners or ex partners, and leaving is the most dangerous time.. Some of those partners had never been physically abusive before, just emotionally abusive/controlling, so don't think that because the abuse hasn't been physical for a long time, it won't happen again. And if you take him back, his abuse will ramp up.
Make sure you're never alone with him, always have another adult with you if you have to see him.

Give Women's Aid a ring for advice.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 30/03/2019 14:16

Please don't take back someone who clearly has no respect for you, or anyone else.
Listen to what we and your kids are telling you.
He only wants to come back because he needs his home comforts, a fuck and someone to abuse.
Your children are surely more important than your need to cling on to this loser.

mathanxiety · 31/03/2019 08:08

cheaperthebetter block him on your phone and stop the communication.

Before you block him, set up a new email address and tell him he can only use that for communication. Get back to him if at all every second or third day. He will soon lose interest.

No more discussion about who was happier, with whom, when - whatever... It is now over.
You have your truth and he has his... whatever it is that he has, his warped view of things. Let him go.

STOP RUNNING AROUND DOING THINGS FOR HIM.
He is having a laugh at you. Don't be a mug.

He can go to the chemist to get his own prescription.
He can sort out his own paperwork. He can get copies from wherever it all came from.
You are not to do one more thing for him.

Over the next few days/ weeks you can expect lots of attempts to

  • romance you, make promises, apologise, play miserable,
  • get you engaged with him (see the prescription and paperwork thing),
  • sort out some crisis for him (he may become 'ill' or sustain an 'injury' or be 'mugged'),
  • get angry with you,
  • get very abusive either verbally or physically,
  • threaten you, start badmouthing you to friends and family,
  • show up at your work, harass you there or nearby, make prank calls,
  • threaten the children,
  • threaten to call SS on you, threaten to take the children from you.

Be prepared. Brace yourself and do not be tempted to give in to his bullying or to any apologies or promises.

Please get an occupation order so that you can stay in the house. He will find out his legal rights and you need to stay ahead of him.

It is really important to stop communicating with him, to stop accepting his calls, and stop replying to his texts.
You need to train yourself to focus on something other than him.
Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice and support and to see if any of their programmes could help you.

Twisique · 31/03/2019 08:34

If he gives you any reason at all - call the police. It will be helpful to you further down the line.

Acis · 31/03/2019 09:04

Now I'm getting "why are you having a power trip? You have mental issues! Why you been so difficult!

Quote back to him once his statement that he was never coming back, then ignore him.

drogon1 · 31/03/2019 09:15

Stay strong OP, your children will thank you for it in the long run. These things stick with them. My parents separated when I was 8 for the final time. My dad sounds like your ex. I used to wake up crying in the middle of the night as I'd dreamt they'd got back together!

We had absolutely naff all after dad went and my mum struggled to even afford basic stuff like food and heating but we had each other and the time when it was just me, my mum and my brother were some of the happiest times of my life. My point is that your kids will remember growing up in a happier environment with a happier mum x

Motoko · 31/03/2019 12:17

Another tactic to add to the list of trying to get you back, is suicide, either threatening it, or an actual attempt (but making sure you know he's doing it, so he doesn't succeed).

He doesn't want to kill himself, he just wants you to feel frightened that he will, and go back to him so he doesn't, because you will feel like it's your fault if he does.

It's a common tactic, so don't fall for it. And if he did actually kill himself, it's not your fault.

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