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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He wants to come back, but I don't want him back, nor do the DC

111 replies

cheaperthebetter · 28/03/2019 14:15

Hi all,

So he left a week gone yesterday, due to him calling me a 'snake' slag basically because I never answered the phone to him! (Phone in bag actually never heard it!) was with DD at her activity club.
Anyways on the day he left he said "I'm never coming back you know, also I won't be chasing you" I told him " good as I don't want you back nor do I want you to chase me!"
Fast forward, over the last few days he's been really nice (he's chasing btw) so I've been amicable for DC, he keeps suggesting 'why don't we do this on that day' 'that on this day' and when I say "No" as made other plans he starts to 'sigh' and make me feel guilty, to which I actually AM!

I've spoke to DC (4) ages 12,11,9 and 8, they don't want him back living with us, in their words he is 'grumpy, moody, demanding (constantly asks the kids to get him this that and the other eg drink, snack etc) selfish, lazy too,
And they are so RIGHT in their opinions.
Since he has gone, me and DC have had just relaxed and chilled out and the atmosphere in the house is LOVELY!

AIBU by saying to him " YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK CAUSE 'WE' ARE HAPPIER NOW YOU HAVE GONE!"
I know I will feel awful saying this but it's true!

OP posts:
qazxc · 28/03/2019 16:01

It's normal to feel a bit wobbly when ending a relationship but seeing as both you and the children are happier, it's for the best.
Tell him that the relationship is over, sort him getting any stuff back that is his/ child maintenance or visitation, if applicable.
You do not have to be doing things with him, in fact probably better to keep him at arms length until he gets the message.
My gran's advice was in those type of situations to "keep your side of the street clean" and while sometimes you have to bite your tongue you feel better about it in the long run if you keep the moral high ground.

SeventhWave · 28/03/2019 16:08

Neither you nor any of your four children want him back. Does he still have a key? If so, then get the locks changed.

starsurge · 28/03/2019 16:14

Could those directing harsh comments at the OP wrt her children please pause a minute and remember that it takes the average abused woman seven attempts to end a relationship with an abusive man.

This.

TheFaerieQueene · 28/03/2019 16:17

Why do you feel any guiit? He is the architect of his own misfortunes.

pointythings · 28/03/2019 16:19

Don't take him back. Take the moral high ground and calmly tell him that you are divorcing him. You all deserve better than this.

hazell42 · 28/03/2019 16:29

My husband left and sulked at his dads for 2 weeks while he waited for me to beg him to come home. Suddenly dawned on him I wasnt going to, so he gave a big dramatic sigh and said, I suppose I'd better come home for the sake of the kids.
Er,,no thanks. We are much happier without you. That was over 10 years ago and I have never regretted not begging him to come home. He was miserable. The only thing he enjoyed in life was making us more miserable than he was
Well rid.

eurgh · 28/03/2019 16:45

I'm really sorry if my comment came over arseholey - I genuinely am not one of 'those' posters. I could definitely have worded better. I'm all for women seeking support and I do not begrudge it one bit. I just wasn't sure if you were looking for support or whether you were considering letting him back etc

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2019 16:47

Right, the children are happy, that is all you need to worry about! No need to let this waste of space back in your life. You are all happy and that is the main thing!

GruciusMalfoy · 28/03/2019 16:49

YANBU. I wish my mum had come to this conclusion quicker. My dad sounds like your (ex?) partner: grumpy, selfish, demanding and a misery to be around. Enjoy your newfound freedom, you've nothing to feel guilty over.

teyem · 28/03/2019 16:53

You just need to bag that guilt up and dump it with his belongings. It's the only thing between you and the kids having the life you want.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2019 17:07

"Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!"
So this is a regular routine for him then? Leaves as a way to punish you for not being a good little skivvy and a doormat?

I've always loved the saying "Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes." (Bear with me!) So if you don't change - if you continue to take him back - then your situation won't change and you'll be tied to a lazy abusive arsewipe that your children don't want and you don't want. So you need to change. You need to say 'no' and mean it. It sounds as if this may be the first time you've asked your children what they want? You now know that they don't want him back. Use that knowledge to strengthen your resolve. Change is hard - better the devil you know, and all those other unhelpful sayings. But this change - you know it's needed. Just keep telling him 'no' and keep meaning it.

CoraPirbright · 28/03/2019 17:11

Is he the children’s father? Is that why you are being amicable for their benefit? If he is their dad, organise visitation in a proper, legal fashion. If he isnt their dad, you are just muddying the waters. Your kids dont like him - ghost the fucker!!

John470322 · 28/03/2019 19:39

Could those directing harsh comments at the OP wrt her children please pause a minute and remember that it takes the average abused woman seven attempts to end a relationship with an abusive man.
Abuse is wrong and hurts the children as well as the woman. Get a lawyer if he is their father, and get it all sorted so he can no longer abuse you are your children.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2019 19:50

But it is not the fault of the woman, John470322, and pouring responsibility on her head is unbelievably cruel.

Of course it hurts the children. Do you think an abused woman does not understand this Hmm

Maybe engage the brain a little before heaping guilt on someone whose experience you have perhaps never shared?

ChicCroissant · 28/03/2019 21:22

I think you only have to look at the comments on this thread from the children who have been in that position to see why so many point it out mathanxiety

PregnantSea · 29/03/2019 00:06

YANBU. You have nothing to feel guilty about, he's just playing you to get what he wants. Do not take him back. If it's your house then change the locks. If it's his house then it may be time to start looking for somewhere else to live as you can't really keep him out.

mathanxiety · 29/03/2019 00:10

ChicCroissant, I don't understand why it is being pointed out so harshly to a woman who has decided to shut the door on him and keep it shut.

As I said before, it's not as if abused women don't have an inkling of the damage being done to their children. There is no need at all to pile on with the heaping of guilt.

Nobody can change the past. What can be done is to resolve to make things better for the children in the future, and to stick to that resolution a woman needs support and encouragement.

barryfromclareisfit · 29/03/2019 00:27

I’m glad you posted, OP. Your thread-title gave me a laugh.

ChicCroissant · 29/03/2019 09:12

It's been pointed out because she hasn't shut the door on him just yet! She needs to tell him he's not coming back and she hasn't done that just yet, but hopefully soon. Also, the constant drama of him coming and going reminds me of a long-term poster who does this to her children a lot and I'm wondering if it is her Hmm

Tattybear16 · 29/03/2019 09:25

I listened to my kids the third time my exh tried to come back, wish I’d listened to them the first time. Best decision we ever jointly made, my 12 & 9 yr old had had enough so I listened. He was their dad but they didn’t want him, he didn’t care, spend time with them or love them like they needed from a dad. He left us constantly broke and verbally abused, he couldn’t stay out of a pub, and spent more time with his mates than his kids. They are 26 and 23 now. Do not feel guilty, you need to do this for your kids.

FinallyFluid · 29/03/2019 09:36

Use the line I use with my teenager, when he wants a lift somewhere, but hadn't negotiated it or even mentioned it and you feel like a taxi driver.

Ahhh that would have been lovely, but sorry that doesn't work for me.

And then walk away.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 29/03/2019 09:56

A relationship needs both people to want to be in it to continue, and it only needs one person to end it.

A lot of women seem to feel obliged to remain in a given relationships for as long as the man wants to keep giving it a go. You don't need his agreement to be enetitled to end it.

You don't want him. The kids don't want you to want him. Your feelings matter.

Happynow001 · 29/03/2019 09:59

@cheaperthebetter
Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!

Stop muddying the waters OP. You are sending everyone - especially your STBX - by letting him back in. He is just not taking you seriously and the children are probably confused by all this going back and forth.

Are you married OP?

Take some legal advice (discreetly) about where you stand financially with a divorce settlement, check what your benefits entitlements are and check with CMS about what child maintenance you can expect.

Take a copy of any financial documents he's left in your home (payslips, bank and pension statements, savings etc) to help get your financial stuff together for any claims you might make.

You may decide (I hope not) to have him back yet again but at least you'll be better aware of the situation if you followed through with a legal separation/divorce.

Do you have joint bank accounts with him - if so do consider quickly transferring about half of those funds to your own account (or open a new account he has no access to). If you are a SAHM do consider looking for a job so you can better support yourself and children.

Pack up his belongings and let him know they are ready for collection at a time convenient to you and start preparing for a life with as little communication as possible.

Original poster
cheaperthebetter · 29/03/2019 13:59

Thank you all so so much for your comments Thanks..they meant a lot!

They meant that much too me I've told him IM DONE!

Maths anxiety;
Thank you for your post Thanksand you were right on every aspect.

Now I'm getting the verbal abuse cause I have said we are happier without him and I'm done with his dictating and controlling ways.
Obviously he is saying the same thing but other way round! So when I say to him this and that about the way he is, he saying "no don't think so, kids were always happier when you wasn't there" (popped out for what ever reason, with 5 calls off him in that space of 30 mins)

Anyways he is trying EVERY excuse to literally find a reason to come over!

I need this paper work!
Told him will sort it all out and get it to him ASAP !
Now he needs his prescription picking up from chemist as needs them now!
Told him will pick it up and again get it to him today with paperwork!

Now I'm getting "why are you having a power trip? You have mental issues! Why you been so difficult!

AARRGHHHH!!!!!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 29/03/2019 14:12

He isn't liking the lack of control. Tough shit! You stay strong and just think of the happier life you will have. In fairness I'd lessen contact - don't be so available to him and his demands.

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