to ask your experience of one parent badmouthing the other?

[waterbunnies]

I know this is fairly common. My situation:

I left my ex partner because he was becoming more and more controlling, coercive and abusive towards me. Women's aid have been a great guide and they're still helping me through.

I have a newborn baby, any because my ex has been so abusive and is continuing to be, I'm not in contact with him. If this means he doesn't get to see his baby, that's on him. I felt guilty initially but his behaviour has become so strange that I don't feel safe around him.

The thing bothering me the most are his threats to tell our son what an awful mother I was as soon as he's old enough to understand language.

Has anyone any experience of this? Either as a parent or the child that had to hear it? Did it work? Did it affect you/your child? I'm very worried about it regardless of how far in the future it may be. I know he's more than likely to follow through.

For the record I think I'm a pretty awesome mum and everything I do is in my child's best interest.

and because
not any because

My ex h told my dc I was a prostitute. Years of trying to turn them against me backfired when they went nc with him. His anger and hatred towards me made him an abusive and neglectful df.
Dc are very happy without him.

Your dc will be too.
Let him convince a judge he is df material.
Imo.

Dont stress... your actions as a loving parent will speak louder than his poisonous words. Your child will see that

Good god @Chocolateisfab - poor you and poor DCs. Brave decision of them to cut him out. You must be proud of them. Glad all worked out ok

I hope so @Flipflop789 - I'm panicking about it as the idea of my dc hearing lies about me scares me. The easy thing to do would be to tell him the truth about his dad but I just wouldn't do it. Not when he's so little!

I'm also creating a folder, all the police reports, women's aid reports, social services etc. His text messages etc. If it ever gets so bad, my son can see it. Hopefully it'll never come to that.

He is just trying to emotionally abuse and blackmail you. Ignore it. Your son will know the truth.
You don't have to badmouth him to your son but you can be age appropriately honest with him when the time comes and he asks questions.

Those are my thoughts @purpleboy - I would never badmouth his sad to him. I don't care enough to and to be honest can imagine kids won't understand. It's an awful thing to do.

Yes - my husband has a son. His mother has told him that his dads fat,
Ugly, stupid, eats too many burgers, taken the Mickey out of his stutter. Told the son we rent a house because we are skint. The list is endless. It's actually made the child at times not very nice. He's very judgemental and feels that he can say exactly what he wants about anyone. (Not the child fault though) just a product of the nasty mother. Husband has joint custody so the son spends 50% of the time here. Come home a while ago and said my mums boyfriend said he's had enough of you dad and he's going to hit you. This women the mother walks around like she is so wonderful and above everyone else. A very nasty person. Currently on holiday for 2 weeks without the 8 year old son

@girlintheglass what a shame. And I guess the fact they DC is there 50% of the time means she has much more influence. I moved 1.5 hours away so thankfully 50:50 will never happen. I hope things get better for you all

I literally can't stop thinking about this

A friend of mine was in your shoes, except his ex had custody of the children and he rarely saw them (not for the want of trying, it has to be said). She would often badmouth him to the children and he was worried they'd grow up hating him, but the opposite is true. Yes, they know he's not perfect but they see him as being the far more stable parent, and would go to him before going to their mother.

@TimeIhadaNameChange I know I'm a good mother. I just feel so anxious. I need to put it to the back of my mind but can't. Such a shame for your friend

Try not to worry too much about it (though I know that's nigh on impossible!). I know that, at the time, it was incredibly tough for him (he used to go to their school at break time in order to be able to see them at one point) but it worked out in the end.

Don't badmouth your ex to your child. Just be neutral about him. His true colours will be clear soon enough. And to be honest you may find that he doesn't bother to spend much time with your child at all (let's hope!).

I've had this. Ex threatening and then actually telling DS crap about me. Thing is he's a shit father and DS lives with me because Ex doesn't even have a room for him in his house, and he limits the time he sees him to just a few hours a month, if that. So even if DS hears crap, he comes home to me and sees the life I lead, and experiences the way I am with him, and honestly I think that just makes his dad, my Ex, look petty and stupid and not able to move on (he left me for OW).

It's crap. But you can't stop it. You just have to disprove it by your actions, and never fall into the same trap of badmouthing the Ex. Good luck OP. Hope you can feel less anxious

As much as I would love to sit and slag him off all day, I think you're both right. I will make it my mission to never speak badly of his dad! He can make his own mind up.

God, he's just messaged again to tell me how shit a mother I am! And how our baby is going to hate me when he's older. He's such a nasty piece of work. I don't respond to any of his messages, they make me feel ill when I get them. Can't believe he's doing this.

save all those messages... they will be helpful in the years to come

@TheSerenDipitY it's the only reason I haven't blocked him. I would love to just block him off everything but I feel much more in control of my own life when I know what threats he's making. It makes me too nervous otherwise.

Every single person I know who had a parent who badmouthed the other now thinks very badly that parent - ie: the one who did the bad mouthing. That's purely anecdotal but IME it does not do what the person wishes, it just makes them look nasty and vindictive.

Children aren't stupid, they see through that kind of shit.

Empty threats, how does he know what kind of mother you are, he's not there. He's a bully and a waste of your energy; do not respond to him, I d block him for the foreseeable future and enjoy this time with your baby.

My mother badmouthed my father to my siblings and me all the time when we were growing up (they were not divorced yet). He was by no means a perfect dad, but I did not need to hear comments about how he was a loser because he had too few sexual partners before my mum.

It damaged my relationship with him when I was a teenager.

However I eventually understood that my mother was very wrong to do it and no matter how unhappy she felt, she had no right to involve her children.

I get on with my father very well now.

@waterbunnies
God, he's just messaged again to tell me how shit a mother I am! And how our baby is going to hate me when he's older.

Screenshot and save those messages safely because you may well need them when your child is older.

My stepdaughter lived with us while I was married to my exH. He was abusive, and blamed all his bad behaviour on me ("I'm angry at Mummy because she told me she didn't love you as much as she loves BioDD" was one memorable example). By the time the divorce went through, she hated me. Three years later, she is no contact with him and sees me every second weekend and half of school holidays. It doesn't work, waterbunnies, your kids will see through him. It's your actions that will show them who you are, not his words.

Although it can't be easy for you, well done for saving all those reports, messages etc. You're doing the right thing there.
My DH's brother was like this with his son. He left his wife for someone else and when his son would go and stay with him, both he and the other woman would bad mouth his mother to him.
However it has backfired spectacularly on him. His son is 22 now, very close to his mother but wants absolutely nothing to do with his father and isn't afraid to tell people why either.

BIL's ex wife never once bad mouthed him to their son. She didn't need to. His son could see for himself exactly what his father was like and yours will too when he's older.

Take care of yourself and your little baby x