to ask your experience of one parent badmouthing the other?

[waterbunnies]

I know this is fairly common. My situation:

I left my ex partner because he was becoming more and more controlling, coercive and abusive towards me. Women's aid have been a great guide and they're still helping me through.

I have a newborn baby, any because my ex has been so abusive and is continuing to be, I'm not in contact with him. If this means he doesn't get to see his baby, that's on him. I felt guilty initially but his behaviour has become so strange that I don't feel safe around him.

The thing bothering me the most are his threats to tell our son what an awful mother I was as soon as he's old enough to understand language.

Has anyone any experience of this? Either as a parent or the child that had to hear it? Did it work? Did it affect you/your child? I'm very worried about it regardless of how far in the future it may be. I know he's more than likely to follow through.

For the record I think I'm a pretty awesome mum and everything I do is in my child's best interest.

If your dc lives with you, it's not really possible for the other parent to turn them completely against you. Brainwashing just doesn't work that way - you have to keep the child isolated from the parent for the lies to take hold. Believe me, my exH put huge effort in trying to achieve this with dd. When dd was small, there were moments she believed her father, but then she came home to me and she could see what I was really like. Don't waste your energies worrying about this - focus on doing nice things with your baby. Don't let him steal your enjoyment of your baby.

My ex told my DD I was a slag, that I didn’t want her, that I was going to have her aborted, that I chose other men over her...etc etc. None of which is true btw. I was 17 when I fell pregnant so obviously a termination was considered but never what I wanted (actually it was what him and his family wanted) thankfully after 19 years of doing everything for my daughter...working to provide for her, missing meals so she was always fed, sorting birthday parties, sleepovers, holidays, all the dramas that teenagers have, first jobs, college applications, uni applications etc etc...she knows that he’s a lying twat-waffle and never listens to a word he says. Children judge their parents on who they show them they are, not what someone else says about them. Tell ur ex to piss off and carry on doing the best for your DC x

Think about how much time your child will spend with you compared to him. If he is only seeing him every now and then, child will side with you. Anyone bad-talking his mum is going to piss DC off more than anything so I wouldn't worry about it. My dad used to say bad things about my mum, me and my brother used to find it the most irritating thing in the world and it would push us further and further away from him.

As others have said, children will judge parents on what they see themselves, just be yourself - a good mother, and give DS a stable, supportive upbringing. He will see through the nonsense.

My mum used to slag my Dad off to me something rotten, from the age of five I knew he had had an affair, who with, how much money he did or didn't give, he was called all sorts of names, so was his new wife.

It led to a very strained relationship with my Dad, step-mother and her children. I wasn't allowed to say I missed him or had fun at his house.

Thanks everyone. It's really reassuring to hear it doesn't usually work. I'm still mighty scared about it. It's a horrible thought. My lovely baby turning against me when he's older. It's not even just that. It's the idea that my ex would put him through that. That he would confuse him and hurt him like that. It's not nice.

I know. My dd has been through it, and there are times when it's been painful and confusing for her.

On the bright side, it's quite common for men like this to lose interest and move on to new -victims- relationships. The more you can appear bored and unmoved by his antics, the more likely he is to do this.

DH's ex told my DSD (her DD) all sorts of bullshit about me (and DH) and when her lies unravelled and DSD learned the truth she was gutted and it was one of the reasons DSD ended up living with us permanently.

Totally different to your situation, but lies always get found out. So please don't worry, he can spout as much nonsense as he likes but your DC will no doubt a) not believe it or b) quickly come to find out it was all lies.

and bloody good for you for getting yourself away from him!

Just be the best mother you can be OP. Nothing your ex can say can take that away from you. The truth will out eventually.

My ex does this to my teenage DS. He has been in therapy for 2.5 years due to the ongoing shit parenting. I read 'co parenting with a toxic ex' and recognised a lot of my son's behaviour in it. He's ok at the moment but that's been with a lot of support from the family therapist.

One parent constantly criticising the other to a child causes lasting damage. Long term, that criticism actually becomes personal, the child feels that they themselves are being criticised as the 'bad' parent is half of THEM iyswim.

There is a difference between 'not badmouthing him' and 'being age-appropriately honest'. You don't have to be neutral.

Just as he gets older be clear that Daddy could not be kind, and so on. Don't give him the opportunity to make out he is Disney dad of the year.

My ex amongst other things said I only wanted my DD for the maintenance, that I had schizophrenia (and showed her a wiki page about schizophrenics killing people) when I had depression, and that she could do what she wanted at home because I couldn't physically stop her.

I used to dread her coming home from his house as she would be a nightmare for a couple of days, I considered moving far away to get away from it all.

In the end it did backfire, she stopped contact with him around age 14, has seen through his bullshit and we have a good relationship.

It did affect her negatively though while it was going on, and she still has a lot of anger towards her dad.

My DCs as tweens (11 or 12) could see through my ExH.
He did not have access. This is on record.
Once they were adults he contacted them and they have taken his word as gospel despite what they have seen and read.
As adults it is their choice but I am not having my own DC treat me as badly if not worse than someone I divorced. The fact that a divorce is a legal move which requires proof should indicate that he is/was not a very nice person.
They expose their children to someone who was legally refused access to them. Again their choice.

Lots of different experiences. Thank you. I'm still really worried about it. I guess part of me always will be. @StillMe1 that sounds really difficult. How sad that they believe him

@AnnaMagnani I think I would be so scared my son would tell him what I had said and his behaviour would get worse. I'm so scared of him and his reactions.

@waterbunnies I feel that I wasted my life sometimes trying to bring up DCs to be fairly intelligent and fair minded people.
I am concerned about them having less sense now than they did as school children. I believe that drink and drugs could be involved but I can not be 100% sure.
We all know how hard it is to convince a woman that her husband is abusive, it is so much harder to show how many lies are going on here when their father has made a career out of being a liar. He is a con man through and through and that is a well know job skill in his line of business.

My DD saw through her dad aged 3 and told him she wouldn't come see him anymore if he didn't stop calling me a fat smelly pig and that nana would kill her in her car. He still tries it on occasionally and has his dossier of hate for when one of us dies, but kids are loyal and see through the shit. Just be careful to be as neutral as possible when discussing ex until your son is old enough x