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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my husband BU or am I

71 replies

polkadot90 · 28/03/2019 09:27

My husband has issues with my parents. My parents have never allowed us to stay over despite us being married and having children together. One time we were visiting friends of mine and my mum suggested we stay with them rather than get a taxi back but at the last minute they changed their mind using that they wouldn't be there as an excuse. We then found out that they allow my sister and her partner stay regularly. We don't have much reason to stay but when our heating went the day we brought home our new baby in the middle of winter they didn't offer to put us up. I got a text from my mum saying I'm sure it will be fine and you's will get sorted soon. Then radio silence for a few weeks despite the fact I had a new baby.
My husband has lost a lot of respect for them but they are still my parents. They want to visit the children later on but they can't make it out until 6 which usually means they'll be here at 7(this is the norm) they never visit us at the weekend as my dad works and when he's off they usually do other stuff. My husband thinks I should tell them no they can't come out at 6 as the children are getting settled for the evening and have school the next day but I find it hard to say no. His argument is why should we be so accommodating to them when they aren't to us. Thought please? I know he's right deep down

OP posts:

spanishwife · 28/03/2019 10:39

The plural of you is 'you'

ChicCroissant · 28/03/2019 10:39

Is this a reverse? YABU.

BunsOfAnarchy · 28/03/2019 10:40

Shit. Your parents sound awful! Sorry!

Wallsbangers · 28/03/2019 10:42

Your DH is right. Your parents sound terrible, sorry.

AnnieMay100 · 28/03/2019 10:45

I’m with your husband on this, if they can’t be accepting or respectful in your own home particularly towards your husband then I wouldn’t welcome them and certainly not on their terms on a school night. Set some rules so it’s more equal to your sister, you and your husband should be a united team.

Original poster

polkadot90 · 28/03/2019 10:46

@ChicCroissant no it's not a reverse.

OP posts:

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 28/03/2019 10:49

Your DH is right. You have to put your DCs needs above your DPs wants too. Your parents have consistently shown that you and the DC aren't a priority for them, there's no need to make them a priority for you.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/03/2019 10:50

So far everyone has said that they are with your DH on this...and I'm not going to buck that trend.
You need to find out why your parents don't allow you to stay over in your family home when they do allow your siblings to (with their partners).
You need to tell your parents that visiting is done between X and Y hours as the children will be going to bed at 7pm and if the visit is to see them then they should arrive at a time when they can actually see their grandchildren.
Most importantly, you need to tell your parents that if they are not polite to you, your DH and your children, then the visits etc will stop. You have your family to look out for which includes your DH and you have to stand up for them, even if it means standing up to your parents.

MachineBee · 28/03/2019 10:52

Another one here voting to support your DHs POV.

What is it about some parents when they become grandparents? Some seem to not want to relinquish their position of power and completely forget how it must have been for them as new/young parents.

When my DD had her first I was so nervous and anxious for her. I would have given birth for her if I could. She’s most definitely in charge of things now as she has a baby to work around. I can fit in.

AmayaBuzzbee · 28/03/2019 10:52

Your parents are very selfish and awkward.

Your husband is 100% right and you should support him fully on this. He has your children’s best interests at heart. Your parents are only thinking about themselves.

IamAporcupine · 28/03/2019 10:53

Of course your husband is right
I do not understand why you still have time for them when they do not seem very loving or caring at all!

Have you ever asked them openly why they do not want you stay at their house?

sillysmiles · 28/03/2019 10:55

Are you close to your sister? Have you spoken to her about your parents? Do they behave the same with her - other than the staying over.

I'd have an issue if my parents refused to let me or my partner ever stay in their house.

The new born and heating thing is just beyond odd.

ijustdontunderstandher · 28/03/2019 11:04

Your husband is right OP. Tell them they can’t come over as your DC will be getting ready for bed and you don’t want to disturb them.

AmIBU123 · 28/03/2019 11:12

Be firm and say they can't come round. Your DH is right. His reasoning is spot on.

GabriellaMontez · 28/03/2019 11:13

Your dh is right!

Have they always been cold to you?

Have you ever asked them why you can't stay over? Have they ever said anything about him Or to him?

Graphista · 28/03/2019 11:13

Your dh is absolutely right.

The reason they don't like him is probably because he sees right through them!

I had similar with my ex before I knew about toxic families etc he saw through my family's favouritisms, dysfunctional actions and controlling behaviour and they hated him for it.

You need to seriously consider therapy with a therapist that genuinely understands all this.

I'm guessing your sister is also the favourite aka golden child? And you can do no right?

Ilovemypantry · 28/03/2019 11:17

ChicCroissant
Apologies for being thick, but what is a “reverse”?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 28/03/2019 11:21

My husband has issues with my parents

Well, who could blame him?? Your DH sounds lovely whereas your parents clearly treat you (and by extension your DC) pretty shabbily and favour your sibling.

It's extremely inconsiderate to turn up past 6pm on a weekday when you have small children. PIL have done this to us a couple of times (unannounced as they probably know we'd say no!) and it's a complete pain, throws the kids routine off and makes bedtime difficult. Just tell them it's not a good time. If they get offended, so what? Do they care when they upset you? Doesn't seem like it.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/03/2019 11:27

Just remember OP, you are an adult - and a mother and a wife. You have adult responsibilities and adult free-will.

You are not a child, under your parents' control. You sound as if you (and your parents) haven't fully accepted that you've grown up yet.

Your obligations to your children especially, as their parent and protector, but also to your husband, because you chose and made commitments to him, are greater than those to your parents.

storm11111 · 28/03/2019 11:38

Sorry parents 6 won't work for us as it will disrupt the kids bedtime routine. If you want to come round to see the children x time is our only window. Looking forward to seeing you! Polkadot

Topseyt · 28/03/2019 13:07

Based purely on what you have said on here, I am with your DH on this.

It may not be easy, but you need to stand up to your parents. Tell them categorically that a visit at 6pm to see young children who have school the next day just doesn't work.

Your relationship with them does sound a bit dysfunctional. Is your sister the golden child? It sounds a bit that way.

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