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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband BU or am I

71 replies

polkadot90 · 28/03/2019 09:27

My husband has issues with my parents. My parents have never allowed us to stay over despite us being married and having children together. One time we were visiting friends of mine and my mum suggested we stay with them rather than get a taxi back but at the last minute they changed their mind using that they wouldn't be there as an excuse. We then found out that they allow my sister and her partner stay regularly. We don't have much reason to stay but when our heating went the day we brought home our new baby in the middle of winter they didn't offer to put us up. I got a text from my mum saying I'm sure it will be fine and you's will get sorted soon. Then radio silence for a few weeks despite the fact I had a new baby.
My husband has lost a lot of respect for them but they are still my parents. They want to visit the children later on but they can't make it out until 6 which usually means they'll be here at 7(this is the norm) they never visit us at the weekend as my dad works and when he's off they usually do other stuff. My husband thinks I should tell them no they can't come out at 6 as the children are getting settled for the evening and have school the next day but I find it hard to say no. His argument is why should we be so accommodating to them when they aren't to us. Thought please? I know he's right deep down

OP posts:
Springwalk · 28/03/2019 09:51

I am with your husband too.

Your parents have treated you appallingly. Leaving a newborn baby and their dd whom had just given birth in a freezing house should have been the last straw, and would have been for most people.

6-7pm is too late, and why would you accommodate them in any way? They have done precisely nothing to support or care for you.

Your priorities and loyalty should be firmly with your husband, and I don't say that lightly. I would be taking a huge step back from your toxic parents and focusing entirely on your own husband and family.

Magenta82 · 28/03/2019 09:51

Unless your husband did something awful that would make them avoid having him in their house then he is absolutely in the right. Is there a back story we are missing?

pootyisabadcat · 28/03/2019 09:51

Your parents treat you like shit. You let them. Your husband is right.

Deathraystare · 28/03/2019 09:51

It's deffo not your husband. The fact you were without heating and they said that would be fine despite having a little one - well, it may be fine but most parents would INSIST you stay with them and would worry about the little un' - even if they had issue with your husband.

GloriousGoosebumps · 28/03/2019 09:52

My usual position would be that it's their house and so up to them who they invite to stay overnight but this is so odd, particularly when they have no problem with your sister staying. So did you break the bed? Flood the bathroom? Set fire to the kitchen? You must have some idea why you are not welcome to stay overnight. As for visits at the children's bedtime - I'm with your husband; it's disruptive and your parents need to visit earlier or use some of their free time on the weekend. Raise the issue with them, they may surprise you. If they refuse to be more flexible then it's perfectly reasonable to put your needs ahead of theirs.

pootyisabadcat · 28/03/2019 09:54

And by default, your parents also treat your kids like shit. That's not on. Don't let them. Put your kids' needs first. 'We're not available today for a visit. Maybe later. Sure you'll get yourselves sorted.'

Ceebs85 · 28/03/2019 09:56

Like pps have said, unless there's something major you've missed as to why they don't like you/your husband then he is 100% right. They can't have it both ways!

Original poster
polkadot90 · 28/03/2019 09:59

They also turned up at the hospital after I had my baby. Mil had text asking could she visit and we agreed 2pm. Coincidentally my parents arrived at the same time and mil felt obliged to cut her visit short to accommodate them as only two people are allowed visit at one time. Had they text me like mil has I would have said mil is calling up at 2 so if you's want to come by about 4 that way everyone would have had a visit and a cuddle with dd.

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 28/03/2019 10:00

Overall I think hes right and that thee has to be give and take in all relationships.
I can see why they don't want to give up their weekends every week visiting family. I wouldn't want to do this either.
They are slotting you in because you and your children are not a priority. I would say for some reason they don't like your husband as well.
I'd ask your Mum whats the problem and why are you getting treated differently to your siblings.

SilverySurfer · 28/03/2019 10:01

I doubt anyone would disagree with your DH, he's right.

Boysey45 · 28/03/2019 10:03

What are your children like OP? be honest with yourself. If they are really wild then that might be it.

pootyisabadcat · 28/03/2019 10:04

I would say for some reason they don't like your husband as well.

Probably because he interferes with their treating his wife and kids like shit.

krustykittens · 28/03/2019 10:04

Agree with everyone else, it is your parents who have the issue and not your husband. I find it appalling that they didn't let you stay when the heating went off. Not much concern for you baby then, was there? Yet they had to muscle in on your MIL's time at the hospital and you let them. I think you really need to think about your perspective on things, OP, before it starts causing problems in your marriage, if it hasn't already. If I was your DH, they wouldn't be setting foot across my threshold, never mind visiting school age kids at bed time and causing uproar.

Acis · 28/03/2019 10:05

If they tell you they want to visit in the evening, tell them it isn't possible but to let them know when they are off during the daytime so you can fix something up.

Original poster
polkadot90 · 28/03/2019 10:16

I can't see why they don't like my husband. He works full time in a decent job, he earns enough that I can work part time and be home with dc. We have a nice life. The only thing I can really think of is that sometimes he swears the odd time he'll say something like 'agh Jesus' and I can see my parents wincing. He speaks of general topics on the news whereas they talk about the weather or have a moan about their neighbors. He helps out loads at home with me and the kids. He doesn't drink much and doesn't smoke.

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 28/03/2019 10:19

Sorry OP but I’m thinking it’s actually you that your parents have a problem with.
To not have contact with you when you had no heating and a newborn is not normal (in my opinion). Without the fact that you had a problem with your heating, usually the first few weeks with a new baby is when the woman and her mum are the closest. My mum came to stay with me for the first week when my DD was born.
How has your relationship been with your parents previously?

Boysey45 · 28/03/2019 10:23

That's nothing,its not like hes saying fucking cunt continually.
Hes sounds great.

Bringbackthestripes · 28/03/2019 10:25

Your DH is right. Far too disruptive for DC at that time of night.
They clearly have an issue with you DH. You should stop accommodating them.

EL8888 · 28/03/2019 10:26

Sorry but he is definitely right. Your parents sound annoying, self absorbed and thoughtless

oh4forkssake · 28/03/2019 10:29

You definitely need to back him up more OP. He sounds lovely and they sound dreadful. And judgmental. And controlling.

PinkCrayon · 28/03/2019 10:30

Your dh is right.

AnnaMagnani · 28/03/2019 10:32

Is there any chance that your parents have always liked your sister better and that it's you they have issues with?

If they always accommodate her and not you, and you can't challenge them, I am wondering if she is the golden child and you are the scapegoat.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/03/2019 10:33

Crumbs, even I have issues with your parents.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/03/2019 10:36

Your DH is right.

Your parents are being shitty to you and to your DC.

It's your parents who have 'a problem' not your husband, who sounds normal and nice.

If you do want to welcome them into your home and encourage a relationship with their GC, tell them when will be convenient to you. Or you might prefer to suggest meeting in a neutral location. They can come, or not. It's their choice whether their other activities are more or less important.

So 'Sorry, evenings don't work for us, we're busy putting the kids to bed at seven. X time on a Saturday or Sunday would be great, if you'd like to come over?'.

DC bedtimes are a need. Your parents hobbies are a want. Needs trump wants.

LizzieSiddal · 28/03/2019 10:38

My PIL used to turn up at 6 o'clock several times a week, bringing sweets Hmm, dds were 4 and 1. I asked them politely not to, they ignored me, DH agreed with me and also asked them very politely not to come round at 6. MIL told Dh that they were her grandchildren and she could come around whenever she felt like itHmm

We moved an hour away so they couldn't come round so easily. It was the best thing we ever did.

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