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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my own place????

44 replies

mamabear2409 · 27/03/2019 19:37

So I gave birth to my daughter abroad where my father lives and came home with LO in December.

I am now currently living with my partner, MIL and 2 BIL's. The house has 3 rooms and an attic. For now with DD, I can handle being a little pushed for room. Not going to lie, we struggle for space to keep her things and I generally feel like the house is a constant mess because there's no space to keep her things. Her things are spread out among a few cupboards, some of which I cannot even reach which is terribly annoying!

I have recently found out that I am expecting baby number 2. It was unplanned as we wanted to wait until we had our own place but nonetheless I am still extremely chuffed to give DD a sibling.

I get frustrated because MIL is always on the phone and the BIL's and even DH can be noisy when DD is trying to sleep (she is an extremley light sleeper and everyone is fully aware of this). I am constatly asking everyone to respect the fact that she is sleeping but I feel if I have to ask one more time, I will bite someones head off!!!!!!!!!!!

I have explained to DH that we now need our own space as I cannot bring up two children in one constricted room. I have explained to him that it is not fair to either child. I have told him numerous times that I feel cramped and it frustrates me. Here comes the annoying part.. In around 2 months time, my BIL's wife will be moving in. I already feel as though everyone is always in each other's way and there is forever someone in the toilet when I need to go - this is just going to get worse as time goes on - especially with my pregnancy bladder :(

DH does not want to move out of his mothers house for another 2 years as "I need to learn to cook". I have told him numerous times I can cook and even my own family have told him I can cook and I have cooked for him on a few occasions but majority of the time, MIL does the cooking because all 3 boys can be fussy and they expect her to cook twice a day every day. I get in to the kitchen as much as I can but with LO, it can be a handful. I am not making excuses for myself at all but I help with housework as much as I can and right now, the smell of chicken absolutely repulses me so majority of the time something is being cooked, I am upstairs in the bedroom.

I understand that homes are expensive and so is rent which is why I have explained to DH that I can ask my dad to loan us the money we need for a house. I can't imagine him saying no as he paid for DD's birth. DH says that if my father gives the money, he will not move with me.

I get very frustrated with DH every time we have this discussion as he always finds a way to discredit what I'm saying to him and it really frustrates me to think I'm going to have two babies under 2 in one room at night. I feel as though DH is being too much of a mummy's boy and does not want to learn independence.

I know my emotions are running high with all of the hormones so AIBU? Am I right to feel frustrated?

OP posts:
SheRaTheAllPowerful · 27/03/2019 19:40

Too right! God help you, is this an Asian family? I get living with your MIL if you have a good relationship and there is enough room but there is no way you can live like this.
I’d be moving out for sure, even a bedsit would give you more room than that and I certainly couldn’t cope with the bathroom situation. Good luck x

whirlwinds · 27/03/2019 19:42

Move, please move for your sanity.

Oldraver · 27/03/2019 19:49

I would fucking leave him for the 'you need to learn to cook' comment alone

Numptysod · 27/03/2019 19:51

Tell him to man up and cook for himself whatever culture it’s 21st century

Leeds2 · 27/03/2019 19:57

I would ask if your father will loan you the money and, if he will, move into your new home with the DC. Up to DH if he follows.

Qcumber · 27/03/2019 20:00

Why don't you move out by yourself and leave the horrid sexist man child to stay with his mummy?

Troels · 27/03/2019 20:00

Go back to Dad get your own place there, this man is not grown up enough to share a home with you and the kids he's made.

BigFatGiant · 27/03/2019 20:00

Ask your dad for some money and move.

blackteasplease · 27/03/2019 20:03

Why doesn't he learn to cook if he's so bothered?

ApolloandDaphne · 27/03/2019 20:04

Ask your dad for money then move out. It is up to your DH to follow or not as he pleases.

HappyGirl86 · 27/03/2019 20:04

You need to learn to cook?! Oh my gosh is he living in the 1950's?!
I really feel for you. I would be so stressed in your situation. Does your husband realise how stressed it is making you?

Raspberrytruffle · 27/03/2019 20:09

This can't actually be real? If it's not a wind up lend the money and move out yourself and if your dp loves you he will follow. As for the cooking if he doesn't like it he can cook for his self the selfish man child. If my husband said that he'd probably end wearing his meal or fending for his lazy self. Have some bloody dignity and women up! Biscuit

Waveysnail · 27/03/2019 20:10

Woman up and go and get your own place.

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2019 20:14

Biscuit to the dp!
Accept your df's kind offer and get out OP. Your own MH is at risk the longer you stay!

Xyzzzzz · 27/03/2019 20:14

I’d just move....at least you’d have a toilet to yourself. I feel claustrophobic just reading about it so I’m not sure how you manage it.

Provincialbelle · 27/03/2019 20:15

Jesus wept. What culture are you / in laws?

DogHairEverywhere · 27/03/2019 20:18

What Leeds2 says: I would ask if your father will loan you the money and, if he will, move into your new home with the DC. Up to DH if he follows.

anniehm · 27/03/2019 20:25

This is cultural so it's really hard for any of us (unless from a similar background) to really understand why you dh wants to live with his family (mine left home at 18 never to return). I think you need to look at housing options where you live and demonstrate that you can afford it without lots of help (except with the deposit). My neighbours have solved the space issue by buying a whole row of houses gradually, you can't tell from the front but on the satellite image you can see that the gardens have no fences.

Holidayshopping · 27/03/2019 20:30

What money are you living off now? You say you want your DH to grow up, but you’re getting your own dad to pay for your childbirth and want him to give you cash for a house?!

TheYoungOffendersMum · 27/03/2019 20:31

Definitely accept your fathers kind offer. If your DP doesn't join you, then that's sad but tough shit, he sounds a right catch 🙄

Purpleartichoke · 27/03/2019 20:32

Asking you to keep living in that situation is unacceptable. I would tell him you are moving out. if he chooses not to come with you, then that really tells you everything you need to know about him

sar302 · 27/03/2019 20:35

@anniehm OP's partner telling her they're not leaving his family home for two years, until she learns to cook, isn't a cultural thing. It's a dickhead thing.

Piewife · 27/03/2019 20:37

I would also take the DC and move out (if you can afford it)... Your DH can go with you if he wants to but you'll be better off either way. If you have a way out of your cramped living situation you'd be unreasonable to stay there and subject your children (and yourself!) to it.

The cooking comment is absolutely ridiculous.

LagunaBubbles · 27/03/2019 20:43

Yet another awful relationship that children are being brought into. Sadly you see it here all the time.

GreenTulips · 27/03/2019 20:47

Can your dad lend you a months deposit? Then you can claim rent etc until you have the baby and in a position to work?

Who cares what your DH does? His choice you have yours