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Original poster

To think I'm allowed to feel fat?

63 replies

zunshine · 27/03/2019 12:58

I was talking with a couple friends and we got onto the conversation about wanting to loose weight and not feeling comfortable with our bodies. I'm a size 12 whereas they're more size 14 one is a mix between 14 and 16 and we're all around the same height. I could really relate to what they were talking about, I've struggled with my weight and confidence for many years but their responses to me agreeing were "you're a size 12, I hate when people say they're fat and their clearly not". My argument to that was I still feel insecure about my body which is allowed and I don't think they're fat either, it's simply how we see ourselves.

I find it odd they react this way towards me but not each other and it seems to be because I'm a size 12 when realistically our weight isn't all that different. But I can never mention my weight or being a diet around them without being completely shut down

OP posts:
HarrysOwl · 27/03/2019 16:38

Just because you're slightly smaller than them, doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel any negatives about your body.

I'm10-12 but I really struggle with confidence and definitely have days when I feel really fat and gross. Usually when I'm low/anxious, so it's a symptom of your self esteem not a symptom of actually being overweight.

Your friends should be more understanding.

TheYoungOffendersMum · 27/03/2019 16:41

When I was a size 12, I had a flat stomach and tiny waist. Hips and bust were a 12. Because my bust continued to expand beyond what I considered reasonable, I couldn't get hold of women's tops to fit over them, without the rest of me being swamped. Alternative clothing at that time, whether it came from Black Rose in Camden, Cyberdog, or from skater shops and Punky Fish, were not made for people of my shape. I was an hourglass.

These days they make amazing clothes for many sizes and shapes. But I'm now a 22. I gave up ever looking nice and being taken seriously and not having my size and shape ridiculed or letched over, I would only wear men's hipster boxers and baggy clothes.

And I let myself go big-time because people made fun because I looked bigger than I was with my buxom frame under baggy clothes. I also didn't understand what buxom meant etc, so when people commented on it I thought I was being called fat. I got called big a lot. I actually wasn't and have photos to prove it.

So in the present, I have a friend who post eating disorder has crept up to nearer a size ten which is healthy and good for her. She is absolutely tiny, also in height. And not built with the same shape as I have. So sometimes I've had to bite my tongue when she's spoken, but we are built differently anyway so I know what's not the norm for her.

I remember feeling some fat rolls on my back if I bent backwards a bit, arched my back sort of thing, when I was a teen. I guess it was normal but I was convinced you had to be taught like a ships sails otherwise you were fat and disgusting.

I don't think OP is BU to mention her weight etc, it's not her fault if her friends are bigger. They should all be able to talk about it together or shut up and not mention it. No one has the monopoly on this

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 16:44

Which is it op, you tell them you feel fat or you tell them you'd like to be slimmer. Because in your op you say you told them you felt fat, then as soon as the first responses were against you uou changed it to you tell them you wish to be slimmer, pronto..

Both are very different things, if you tell someone bigger than you you think you're fat then by definition you say you think they are even fatter. If you simply say I'd like to be a bit slimmer like I used to be, that's no slur on them.

Kennehora · 27/03/2019 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/03/2019 16:59

You're being insensitive.

thatdisorganisedmum · 27/03/2019 17:01

Some people take everything personally. If you talk about any choice, any preference, they see it as a personal dig.

It's that competitive misery thing that you see on MN. your friends are clearly not very pleasant people, if you are not allowed to talk about your valid feelings. It's not your fault if they are bigger.

JenniferJareau · 27/03/2019 17:03

Someone said something similar to what you said and my first reaction in my head said 'If you think you are fat, what the heck do you really think of me!'

HarrysOwl · 27/03/2019 17:11

if you tell someone bigger than you you think you're fat then by definition you say you think they are even fatter

You're not, though. You're saying you personally feel fat. You're not judging anyone else - only yourself. Turning that into a judgement on someone else would need a pretty negative mind set.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 27/03/2019 17:13

This might not make sense but I see women bigger than me and I don't think they need to loose any weight at all whereas I see myself and I think i do

You sound like my colleague who is a 12-14.

I'm a 20. I'm obviously, factually, unarguably overweight.

She's permanently on a diet and often says how she needs to lose weight and how fat people are gross etc. The thing is, she says it to me but it's genuinely not directed at me as she's incredibly complimentary about me and how I look. It's really very weird!

She says she has body dysmorphia and I believe she genuinely does. But she must also have it where I'm concerned because she honestly doesn't consider me to be overweight (and no, I'm not six foot ten!).

ThroughASashWindow · 27/03/2019 17:14

I think you are, of course, allowed to feel fat. But, being very fat myself, I have been around people who have done this and honestly, it's humiliating and you wish the ground would open up and swallow you because the obviously fat person becomes the unspoken elephant in the room, while the person who thinks they are fat gets lots of reassurance...so I can understand their reaction, though I don't condone making you feel bad.

HarrysOwl · 27/03/2019 17:14

It's about understanding that even the most beautiful, slim, stunning person can suffer from low self esteem and low confidence.

Those saying it's insensitive would like to silence those feeling negative thoughts and sharing them, and that's not fair or right.

Everyone is entitled to support and no one is immune to feeling bad about themselves, no matter what they may look like.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/03/2019 17:15

If you're under 9lb, Emerald, you're definitely underweight. Unless you're a newborn
😂😂😂😂
I didn't notice it, I should have used kilo but crap at those too. Blush

Deadringer · 27/03/2019 17:19

I am on the fence too. It's not the same thing but imagine if both of your friends had bad skin and you kept moaning about having a spot. You can see that it would annoy them yes?

m0therofdragons · 27/03/2019 17:21

I'm a 12 with size 14/16 friends and regularly feel fat. I'd never say it in front of them though as it would make me an insensitive dick.

thatdisorganisedmum · 27/03/2019 17:25

as it would make me an insensitive dick

they are not really your friends if you can't say anything in front of them.

CoraPirbright · 27/03/2019 17:36

I have a friend who is about an inch shorter than me but about 3 stone lighter. She often says that she feels fat and I commiserate and say that I do too. She just happens to be a much slighter build and used to be about a stone lighter than she is now. Why on earth would that make me feel like shit like your friends seem to be implying? You dont have to be a genius to recognise that everyone has a differnt physique and carries weight differently and has different bench marks.

There is another thread on here at the moment where the wife is a carer for her quite unwell husband. She recently commented that she was unwell and he bit her head off. Queue everyone piling in and saying that the husband is in the wrong - just because he is very unwell, it doesnt mean that she is never allowed to be unwell too and he needs to recognise this. Same thing here imo - you should be allowed to say you feel fat and these friends sound jealous and not nice.

Kennehora · 27/03/2019 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatchworkGirl · 27/03/2019 17:41

I don't think you're wrong at all. Everyone has their own insecurities and taking theirs out on you when you try to join in the conversation seems unfair of them IMO.

Bobbycat121 · 27/03/2019 17:47

My sister does this and I find it really rude actually. The other day she said she feels like a “big fat pig” shes a size 10! im an 18 (and loosing weight) but yeh it did touch a nerve!

QuimReaper · 27/03/2019 17:51

I didn't exactly call myself fat, I told them I'd like to loose weight as I used to be slimmer.

I think this is key. There's a difference between discussing weight loss and berating oneself (and by extension others) for being fat. I try not to mention weight / diet unless someone else brings it up (for fear of being a bore), but whenever it's come up, it's always been with friends who are doing similar things to me, so it's more of a common-ground conversation about 5:2 coping strategies etc. than being about our individual sizes. I do think it's odd that they pounced on you over it, when as you say, there's a pretty negligible difference in your sizes - it might be different if they were vastly larger than you, although I expect you might have responded differently if they were.

thatdisorganisedmum · 27/03/2019 17:56

The other day she said she feels like a “big fat pig” shes a size 10!

It might be rude to pigs, but it's not a personal attack against you. She feels fat, and maybe she is. Maybe her ideal weight is when she is a size 6 or 8. Her feelings are valid.

QuimReaper · 27/03/2019 18:01

being very fat myself, I have been around people who have done this and honestly, it's humiliating and you wish the ground would open up and swallow you because the obviously fat person becomes the unspoken elephant in the room, while the person who thinks they are fat gets lots of reassurance...

But ThroughASash have you been the one to bring it up in those circumstances? That sounds more like someone else banging on about their own weight to / around you without considering that they were being tactless (and probably boring) (and (FWIW I'm absolutely sure you weren't "the elephant in the room" to anyone except yourself!). That's what I find odd - whilst I wouldn't necessarily bring it up myself, if someone said to me "I'm thinking of going on a diet, I want to lose some weight" I wouldn't think twice about nattering about 5:2 v low carb or whatever with them, whatever their size relative to mine.

bumblingbovine49 · 27/03/2019 18:07

Fat is not an emotion. You don't ' feel fat'. You either are or you aren't, it is a physical state not an emotional one.

If you are not actually fat then ' feeling fat' is about your state of mind not your body size so you should try to figure out what is actually wrong.

Noone who says they ' feel fat' is correct. They could.of purse actually be fat but their feelings are something else entirely. Maybe they feel insecure about how they look or are feeling depressed or are unhappy with their relationship or whatever but ' feeling fat' is definitely not something that makes sense to me.

thatdisorganisedmum · 27/03/2019 18:11

If you are not actually fat then ' feeling fat' is about your state of mind not your body size so you should try to figure out what is actually wrong.

you saw yourself in a mirror?
you realised you have less than 2 weeks before a holiday?
you are bloated during your periods?

basically you are always fat, but sometimes you take more notice. Does it make more sense to you?

bumblingbovine49 · 27/03/2019 18:30

Thatdisorganisedmum
Then you get on the scales and check your weight. If you are overweight then you could say you are overweight and feel less confident about how you look than you did yesterday. That you wish you weren't overweight and that you may feel more self
conscious on holiday etc. That you wish you had lost weight. All of these are valid

If you are not actually overweight you can still say you feel less confident about how you look than you did yesterday , that you wish you were more toned, not temporarily bloated from your period etc.

In neither case is fat a ' feeling' and in the second case it is not an objective fact either.

It might feel like I am being pedantic but I think language is important . Using ' feeling fat' as a shorthand for feeling unhappy with how we look or feel is just not very helpful or useful.

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