AIBU re cousin comments ?

[Pauperlil]

Spoke to my cousin about my son problems and her reply really upset me, but then I'm wondering am I being a slow flake ?!

I have 2 boys, my youngest 8 has got moderate to severe eczema and a few months ago has been diagnosed with Development Language disorder and goes to special classes twice a week . He is delayed academically too. He also has a ENT referral as speech therapist said his voice seems too husky etc .

My older boy 11 is fine with none of these issues.

Both eczema and development language disorder (DLD) are due to genetics. They is environmental influences but the foundations are genetics.

DLD arises from genetic influences on early brain development. We don’t know enough about specific genes to have a biological test for language disorder.

My Cousin then said "wow a child with both genetics problems and possible ent issues now !! You and your oh are a wrong mix!"

She then said as we're cousins any future kids she is worried she have a child like my 8 year old.

Am I being over sensitive? I think it hurt as it is a bit true, our genetics on our son have caused him to have these problems, not just one but a few. I'm also glad we stopped at two cos would future kids have these problems

I don't often post on MN, however I'm so sorry to read what your cousin said.
Ignore, ignore, ignore. That's easy to write but she was incredibly rude. I have 3 DC and my middle DD has slight learning difficulties, so I can sort of sympathise.
Concentrate on your DS not her, I'd be distancing myself from her too.

As others have said, not all genetic linked illnesses are due to two parents having faulty genes. I have genetic predispositions to certain illnesses suffer with some, others may be in my future, others may not and they're mainly carried on the maternal line. I have a cousin with a very rare genetic illness, so rare they said the likelihood of their parents both being carriers given they're from the same small region was so minimal it was astounding, they obviously had no idea until my cousin was diagnosed as its not something you'd normally test for.

Your cousin was exceptionally lacking in though when and how she said those things to you.

What made her comments hurt me cos I felt guilty about son problems but like another poster said I had no idea my son would have these issues

I don't see what's rude about it mentioning it at all.

Of course it's rude and also highly ignorant. Lost of genetic issues are just bad luck. The comment was clearly going to be hurtful and didn't add anything helpful at all. I'm sure OP would prefer her DS not to have any issues but to outright say she wouldn't want a son like DS is incredibly rude.

You're calling it a genetic issue - when - as shown by the link I've put up - it isnt necessarily, and its unlikely (a possibility but unlikely) to be a genetic cause when it's not already evident in both you and your DHs wider family. It's just 'one of those things' .

But if you are going to tell all and sundry it's a genetic mismatch, then of course people are going to pick up on it. And close family are going to be worried they too carry a faulty gene.

Granted, your cousin doesnt seem the most eloquent of people, she could have voiced her worries in better terms.

Lost of genetic issues are just bad luck.

Is bad luck a scientific cause now?

YANBU - she was rude and it was unnecessary. You are obviously and understandably upset and were probably hoping she would comfort you.
I will comfort you. Everything a child has is from their parents! Write a list of all the good things your children have from your and your partner.
Can I just add though - you also need to get some perspective. Millions of people around the world (including my son) have ezcema. Just research as much as possible into how to reduce it through diet - not using water softener, getting a water softener system (when my son was little they were doing a study on this and were offering these for free if the child was part of the research).
With the development language delay....loads of children have this to. I'm sure regular therapy will help him. Infant the research I read suggests that two children in each class have it.
When my son was 4 he was diagnosed with being borderline autistic - basically he had loads of autistic traits including no eye contact, difficulting forming words and other things, his nursery teacher said he was below average in IQ....he was classed borderline autistic because they felt he was too young for a diagnosis.
He's had loads of therapy since then (I am a huge supporter of some children's issues being their infant reflexes have not gone dormant), he's now in grammar school and he's just had his formal austism assessment where they have said while he used to have autistic traits his brain has sorted itself out and he is not autistic.
Your son is young - children's brains are still developing. I know you feel sad - but things may have improved in a few years time.
When a therapist told me two years ago that she thought my son would get diagnosed as autistic if he had another formal assessment - at first I was sad but then someone said to me - look for the good things about him being autistic like he is very loyal and sensitive. Look for the good things you have given your son - they don't overshadow his current issues.

plain

I read your link briefly so will have another read.
The drs have said Son eczema is genetic. It does seem so me and oh have eczema history but never as bad as DS eczema he has.

Re the DLD the jury is still out on that one but what I have read on other websites it points to genetic

Ignore her. Genetically driven issues manifest as health problems at ANY age . No one knows what is going to happen to them or their children at any point or know how much of those issues are partly driven genetic influences !

The phrase "the wrong mix" is insensitive and rude.

My son has an inherited genetic condition. It is not life limiting but does have significant impact. It is an autosomal recessive condition so my husband and I had no idea before he was born. There was a one in four chance any of our future children would have the same condition. We considered carefully and had another child who does not have the condition.

Of course it is something we thought long and hard about. If someone had made the suggestion to me that we were the "wrong mix" I would have probably told them to fuck off.

Is bad luck a scientific cause now?

Yes pretty much. A random mutation is bad luck - a random event. You didn't do anything to increase the likelihood of it happening. If you drank heavily while pregnant and your baby has issues as a result that is unfortunate but it isn't bad luck.

Ittakes2

Thank you for your post I found it very helpful and supportive x

Well, on one level, she's right to think her children may have the same genetic issue - if it's something carried in your family line. But her calling you and your partner a "wrong mix" basically shows she doesn't really understand genetics. While there are some disorders that only really manifest if both parents carry the same gene for it, others aren't like this at all. Many genetic problems are de novo which means that they are due to a random mutation in the affected person's genes, and not inherited at all. And finally many genetic conditions have different levels of penetrance in different people - for instance, I and my son both have the same genetic mutation but we only discovered mine when he was born as I have no issues related to it at all.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be hurt or pissed off. Her remarks are ignorant and thoughtless.

Granted, your cousin doesnt seem the most eloquent of people, she could have voiced her worries in better terms.

Why would she voice her worries to OP at all? Totally inappropriate. She could talk to her partner about it by all means but why on earth burden OP with her worries?

Well I think she was most definitely rude and insensitive, and immature.
You will naturally be upset about all of this, and still coming to terms with the news. The last thing you need is people like your cousin saying things like that.
Maybe once she has had children herself she will understand the worry, until then I would avoid her when you are dealing with sensitive issues or feeling fragile.
She is the very last person you need, she really ought to be offering support and ressurance, not thinking about herself and her non existent children.

You and your dp are not a bad mix, because you have created the most wonderful little boy. I wouldn’t allow anyone to say things like that going forward, it could hurt your child if he hears it. He doesn’t need to be defined by this op.

BTW the above is pretty simplified! And I'm not a genetics expert, I just know a bit about it because of my son.

By the way have you tried Aveeno 25 hours a day? It is the navy blue one and very good value available in all pharmacies. My dd has severe eczema, on steroids etc. I found this and within a week it was all gone. I used it non stop for years and now she has grown out of her eczema now altogether. As most people do.
Give it a try!

24 hours

I mean I can see why that thought might go through her head however actually verbalising that to you is really tactless and insensitive, of course you would find it upsetting

Tbh I would have seen the wrong mix comment as a flippent remark in isolation. But compared with the concerns over genetics could have been construed as something more by the OP.

With regards to the genetic inheritance, I think it’s naive to think that people won’t consider the impact on their own future children when there is a chance of passing on a condition. And knowing about a genetic condition can and does influence people’s decisions with regards to planning a family.

In my own case my eXH has a genetic condition which we weighed up carefully before having children, but decided to take the chance. Our DC don’t have the condition, but his DC from his current relationship does.

However,fast forward to recently and it transpires that I have a life-limiting, genetic condition which didn’t become apparent until recently. And the implications of that on my entire family are huge. Because now my family need to be tested to see if any of them have the condition, equally then if one does then their siblings and their siblings’ children etc will all need to be tested and this could influence whether they do or don’t decide to have children in the future. I didn’t know about the condition when I decided to have children, however had I known I wouldn’t have had any children at all because I wouldn’t wish my condition now on anyone. As it is my DC have opted to be tested when they’re adults, but way back it transpires that I had a family member who died in inphancy of what now transpires could have been related to said condition.

Now this particular condition is life-limiting. However some people find it hard to even consider a less impactive condition in one of their own children. And remember that your DS is already here, whereas any future children of a relative are merely a thought process and are not on the same level of consideration as an existing child iyswim.

OP I have genetic conditions and so do some members of my family. We share the knowledge of them with each other because we know things like allergies and blood disorders can be inherited.

One of our parents told one of my brothers' not to tell the rest of us about one of the conditions but I was tested and bought it up amongst the rest of my family, which is why since then we all share information.

Your cousin is immature (or less politely- being a stupid cow. ) Now you know not to bother talking to her about any of your sons' medical conditions as you have done your moral duty by informing her that she maybe a carrier of such genes before she has children.

Well, you could say to her that tactlessness and lack of empathy also derive from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Clearly then, there was a problem with her parents' 'mix' and the combination of nature and nature it afforded her. She should be very careful to select a partner capable of counterbalancing her lack, before having any children.

'It's genetics' is a sweeping statement, encompassing many, many different types of genetic condition and ordinary inheritance, with very different probablities, variations and implications. For anyone to be concerned about an inherited condition, they would first need to understand something about the number of genes involved, their occurrence in the population, probability of being passed on in a form that casuses a condition and variation in the condition resulting.

Whoops, 'nature and nurture' above, obvs.

Is bad luck a scientific cause now?

It can be! As I mentioned above, many genetic problems are not inherited and are just due to a random mutation - what's that, if not bad luck?

Weirdly, I was quite comforted when I found out my son had inherited his mutation from me. I prefered there to be a reason rather than just a horrible stroke of luck. Also it meant the geneticists were a lot more optimistic about his long-term prognosis.

OP- I think you are misunderstanding what 'genetic' means in relation to DLD. Pretty much every non-infectious condition has some sort of 'genetic' link, which just means that there have been mutations in DNA which make you more likely to get that condition, but that environmental factors have to come into play for it actually to happen.

This does not mean that it is inherited in a way that conditions like cystic fibrosis are. These are called Mendelian diseases, and in these cases the mix of your genes and DH's genes affects the chance of your DS having the condition.

DLD is more comparable to something like asthma. It has lots of different causes, some of which come from lots of tiny mutations in the genes, and some of which come from the environment. Some of the mutations might not have come from you or DH at all- they can happen randomly in the womb when your DS was growing, and these affect his brain development.

Do NOT blame yourself and your DH for your son's conditions. It isn't because of your genes, it is just one of those things, and any future children you have are no more likely to get DLD than your DS1 was, as it is not inherited. Everyone is different- he is a perfect little boy who has just had some setbacks early on, but that doesn't change who he is at all, and your cousin has been very cruel to speak like that.