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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I monumentally insensitive or was he just mean?

49 replies

Footloose80 · 27/03/2019 08:23

So dh has some major health issues. He struggles with his mobility and need help getting dressed and (Sorry TMI) help wiping himself. A further complicate is that thr meds he is on cause constipation and he keeps forgetting to take his meds to counteract this.
I do also have some minor but chronic health issues too but largely have to just get on with it.
So on Monday I had a constipation bout of IBS so I do get how bad and painful constipation is. A product of this bout was a huge pile.
So I mention this to dh and his response was I don't care about your fucking piles.
So do I have to just not complain about my health as his is worse or should I expect some understand from dh?

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2019 08:25

He’s a dick

InfiniteSheldon · 27/03/2019 08:25

sadly ill health makes many people colossally selfish you should have got sympathy not abuse and that was abuse no matter his reasoning.

Isohungy · 27/03/2019 08:27

He's an ungrateful prick.

Original poster

Footloose80 · 27/03/2019 08:27

Tbh it did feel I abuse to me too. I think he needs to be told that he needs to change his attitude.

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 27/03/2019 08:29

Hmmmm. From his point of view he’d probably consider IBS or a pile or minor ill health a blessing...so I can see why he would retort in that way. However I can also see from your POV that you’ve the right to complain too.
It sounds like he’s struggling and if you’re becoming his carer that shifts things in the relationship. Have you considered counselling together to address your relationship moving forward in light of your joint health issues?
Maybe you could find a sympathetic friend to offload to instead of him? Perhaps ask if he would prefer that...

Original poster

Footloose80 · 27/03/2019 09:04

Tbh I wasn't even really trying to offload. It was more of a casual comment. I also have other health issues and even when his condition was better than now I still never really got much sympathy. I was still the one unloading dishwasher with sciatica and looking after toddler almost immediately after a colonscopy as he only worked from home that day as couldn't spare a days holiday.
Think counselling may be the answer.

OP posts:

burritofan · 27/03/2019 09:05

Piles are awful and so is he

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/03/2019 09:10

I would tell him to wipe his ow arse unti he learns some empathy and consideration for how you are feeling. Remind him that much as his arse needs wiping, the sun doesn't shine out of it.

PosiePerkinandPootle · 27/03/2019 09:10

I have this with my Dad. He's had a chronic condition since I was a child along with other issues exacerbated by unhealthy lifestyle. I hurt my back last week and did more damage trying to carry on as normal in front of him, gritting my teeth against the pain just to avoid a game of health top trumps. He even does it with the kids, if he pops in and one of them is off sick he'll have already had it at the weekend, but worse, obviously. Nod & smile, nod & smile.

FullOfJellyBeans · 27/03/2019 09:14

Either you caught him at a bad moment or he's being selfish. Being a carer is draining you still need the love and support of your partner.

purplealiensdontwearhats · 27/03/2019 09:18

He sounds just like your pile- a pain in the arse

DarklyDreamingDexter · 27/03/2019 09:28

Yes, he needs to be told, so tell him! Tell him if he wants you to continue to help him with his problems, he needs to show a bit of care and consideration for you when when you are in pain. Otherwise, tell him you don't fucking care about HIS problems.

Do you mean counselling for him to show more gratitude and empathy? Try telling it to him straight and the consequences for him if you were to leave or stop doing the things he takes for granted. Then if he still takes no notice, go on strike and actually stop helping him! He's an entitled twat who needs a firm wake up call, not counselling!

HollowTalk · 27/03/2019 09:28

I think there are few things worse than a selfish man who becomes ill. Nothing you do will compare to his suffering and everything you do should be with him in mind.

oohyoudevilyou · 27/03/2019 09:28

Think counselling may be the answer.
Think divorce may be a better one.....

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 27/03/2019 09:33

He’s being an arse. I have a chronic pain condition and limited mobility that my DH often helps me with. Do you know what I do when he’s unwell or in pain? I sympathise and look after him in turn, because we’re a partnership and it’s not a race to the bottom! Your DH is bang out of order.

Springwalk · 27/03/2019 09:37

I would absolutely tell him that his health issues should not stop him
from being empathetic of yours. Remind him you are a team and he should be equally supportive of you.

Give him the opportunity to apologise when you are dealing with major health problems, or are on chronic pain it can be hard to look beyond it and addresss others with needs. Often you just don’t have the capacity and getting through another day is all you can manage. That said I wouldn talk to him.

Try and organise support and days out away from him op. His needs will be draining, and scheduling in time for you to recharge and re energise is essential.

Itssosunny · 27/03/2019 09:37

He sounds entitled and ungrateful.

BarbedBloom · 27/03/2019 09:39

I have a chronic and painful condition and I am always sympathetic to other people as being in pain is rubbish. I am also aware how sometimes my H has to pick up stuff around the house when I can’t cope so I try to bear that in mind when he has a bad day. I think he was rude and quite unkind actually

SkintAsASkintThing · 27/03/2019 09:44

I don't think he's a dick at all.

He sounds pissed off, if I couldn't wipe my own arse I would be too. That's bound to have an impact on his mental health.

Yanbu. But neither is he. It sounds like you need more support in the home so you can have a relationship away from care needs. It also sounds like some sort of counseling wouldn't go amiss.

QueenEhlana · 27/03/2019 09:49

Oh Op, you're stuck in a vicious cycle, aren't you? You're not allowed to be ill because he's or ill than you, and being an arse about it.

What sort of mobility aids does he have?

Does he have one of [[https://www.completecareshop.co.uk/toileting-aids/bottom-wipers/buckingham-easywipe-bottom-wiper these], for example]?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 27/03/2019 09:49

I'd tell him he can wipe his own arse if he wants to speaks to me like that.

Original poster

Footloose80 · 27/03/2019 09:50

My dad was similar too when ill. My poor mum dealt with most of it. I am really started to get how she felt.

OP posts:

Original poster

Footloose80 · 27/03/2019 09:53

Widespread arthritis. Will look at that queen thank you. I think I Probably caught him at a low point. At least he apologised for getting me up at 4am to help again.

OP posts:

KC225 · 27/03/2019 09:58

He was rude. His illnesses does not mean you are never allowed to mention anything regarding your health or feelings.

I had a neighbour like this. She many illnesses and she always sneered at people's health complaints. Woman opposite had a tooth abscess and was in pain and neighbour said 'A tooth abscess, that would be a holiday for me if that was all I had to worry about but you don't catch me going on and on about what's wrong with me.' Truth is she did always go on about her health issues but only she seemed to have the monopoly on pain. She would try to top trump everyone on suffering.

I hope you are feeling better OP and I hope you have a more sympathetic firend or relative in your life.

PinkHeart5914 · 27/03/2019 09:59

I don’t think his a dick. It sounds like you both have very stressful life and are suffering a lot so. Ffs people are perfect all the time.

I imagine if I couldn’t wipe my own bum I’d be a bit down and if you caught me at a low point, I may react like he did.

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