Was I monumentally insensitive or was he just mean?

[Footloose80]

So dh has some major health issues. He struggles with his mobility and need help getting dressed and (Sorry TMI) help wiping himself. A further complicate is that thr meds he is on cause constipation and he keeps forgetting to take his meds to counteract this.
I do also have some minor but chronic health issues too but largely have to just get on with it.
So on Monday I had a constipation bout of IBS so I do get how bad and painful constipation is. A product of this bout was a huge pile.
So I mention this to dh and his response was I don't care about your fucking piles.
So do I have to just not complain about my health as his is worse or should I expect some understand from dh?

Arthitis can be very debilliating and it won't do anyones mental health much good at all. It is one of those diseases that can be very painfull and it's never going to get any better it can and does make people depressed and I think thats whats happening here sad to say;(.

Thank you for replies.

Footloose, I recommend an assessment for the various mobility aids. There are a lot out there, and it's not fair on you to pick up all the caring responsibilities when with a bit of effort he can do things for himself.

You can get medication boxes, every day of the week, with different times, and you pop the medication in, set an alarm on your phone and then go and take the medication. Chemists will even do them up for you if you want. He has to stop being so childish and take responsibility for himself.

You can have rails put in in showers and toilets, seat raiser for the toilet, higher chairs so he could 'rock out' to stand rather than trying to get up, walking sticks with 3 points so they stay standing next to you and are then when needed, button hooks to help you do your own shirts up, bottom wipers, back washers, etc.

There are lots of them out there, you shouldn't be doing everything for him.

One other thing of benefit, is a hot wax hand treatment. Men are usually resistant to this as it's a 'beauty treatment', but my rheumatologist friend highly recommends it as the pain relief and additional mobility it brings can last weeks for some people.

Are his health issues so bad that he cannot wipe his own bottom? Are you sure he is not putting on you, I for one could not be doing that unless it was the only way. Have you told him to try harder?

Great tips queen

Good luck Footloose

It’s not a competition. I can’t imagine how either of you must feel about both your own health problems and your situation.

I’m not going to say he’s a dick or get a divorce (what a fucking stupid comment), but it sounds like Queen has some good suggestions about support, which is, at the end of the day, what is needed for you both.

Have you told him to try harder?

Really - you think that chronically ill and disabled people just aren't trying hard enough?

Oh my days!

That was a nasty comment about your piles. It's not as if you were constantly moaning about it, you just mentioned it. All he had to say was something like, 'Oh dear, that's unpleasant.' In other words, it was time for him to offer you sympathy.

I'm sorry but that really is selfish behaviour and he needs to be challenged about it.

Illness and chronic pain can really change someone's personality.

That doesn't mean that this behaviour is OK. Of course you're allowed to have health issues, miserable days, pain etc as well.

@crimsonlake I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that that comment was just ignorance talking rather than sheer stupidity.
You really think anyone WANTS someone else to wipe their arse for them because they just can’t be bothered?

can he feed himself ?

Op. There's even a toilet that washes and dries a person's bum. Would something like that be an option ? I don't think they're that expensive either and as it's a disability aid you may be able to get funding for it.

www.bidet-shower.co.uk/why-purchase-your-electronic-bidet-shower-toilet-from-us-/combination-bowl-and-electronic-bidet-seats/?gclid=CjwKCAjwvuzkBRAhEiwA9E3FUr9EqAYuWobOcUS4ncw8coTMJDU5xgYIxPvJR6Hy3blP_NfIPcNhrRoCNF0QAvD_BwE

I'm currently heavily pregnant with all of the associated aches and pains and discomfort (and gestational diabetes), and on top of that I've got a kidney infection and kidney stones. I'm not able to have any treatment because of the pregnancy and I can't take the most effective medications (like ibuprofen) because of the pregnancy. The pain has been so bad on and off for the last several weeks that I've been admitted to the hospital 3 times for treatment with IV pain relief, anti-emetics because of constant vomiting and constant monitoring of the baby because the intensity of kidney pain can trigger premature labour.

I have still managed to rustle up sympathy for my husband when he has a headache, and offer him some of my paracetamol and a glass of water, because me being in pain does not negate his discomfort and he's been supportive of me over the last seven months that I've been complaining. :D I love him, so I care that he doesn't feel well.

Also, you can get a bidet attachment for the toilet. It could help both of you, him with his hygiene and you with your piles. Also buy a squatty potty if you don't have one - it's been a lifesaver for me this pregnancy. ❤️

Has he tried a long handled bottom wiper?
Sadly I've seen other people get like this. Their longterm condition takes over everything and some get very selfish
One man didn't even bother to ask his wife the outcome of her cancer tests. She died and he still didn't act like her health problems were significant

My husband is severely disabled and he is the most selfish bastard I know. He couldn’t give a toss about me if I’m feeling ill or hurt myself trying to move him. All he thinks about is himself.
(Thanks, I feel a bit better having vented that!)

So before he was ill he was already like this - Little to no consideration for you and your needs. He’s a dick.

You’re his partner not his carer with zero emotional expectation.

If he can’t reciprocate kindness, empathy and care to you as his wife - in the face of your experiencing illness and pain - then perhaps he would be better off paying someone to wipe his arse instead of wiping the floor with your feelings.

Chronic pain and illness can make people very self-centred and cranky. That's the reason for his attitude, but it's not an excuse for it. He needs to be told to pull his head in or wipe his own backside.

He can eat easily enough but can't cook so of course I am doing that.
Thanks again for replies.

You really think anyone WANTS someone else to wipe their arse for them because they just can’t be bothered?

Yes, that was probably one of the stupidest comments I've ever read on Mumsnet and that's saying a lot. I used to work in a nursing home and I often had to wipe residents' arses.

It's such a humiliating thing for a previously independent adult to have to cope with.

I'm sure he can cook himself some basic meals, even if they are some ready meals.

Sit down, and think about EVERYTHING you do for him. What would happen if you weren't there? Who will look after him? How would he survive? Then put in place plans for him to start taking on some of these tasks for himself.

I agree that the wiping thing must be so humiliating for him. I think the first thing we need to do is to look at aids to help with this.