Sending Dd who is 10 to bed

[DozyGrumpyDad]

AIBU as my her bedtime is 9pm and at 9:25 pm she was told to close her book and go up to bed. Dw let's her stay up on a Tuesday to 9:45 pm after a programme is over on the t.v. Tonight the start of the programm was missed so it wasn't watched. Dd tried to argue a pass as otherwise she would be still up. I had to tell her again to close the book but she got humpy then dw said it was her fault and that is why she is still up. I told her that she still has to do as she is told. Dd started crying as asked her if she wanted bedtime brought back to 8pm. I was told off by dw in front of dd that I was being unreasonable and I should have let it sink in for 5 mins. My arguement is she stayed up later than her bedtime and was told twice to go to bed and that was part of the deal when her bedtime was raised 2 months ago.
It might seem petty on my part but I'm being undermined more often.

YANBU. Seems fair to me

You should have given her five minutes notice, there is nothing worse than being told to stop reading mid chapter /paragraph /before a natural break in the story.

You also should have either let her stay up until her usual Tuesday bedtime will the the caveat that she goes straight to sleep, or told her beforehand that as she wasn't watching her programme that bedtime was standard 9pm

YANBU. Yes five minutes notice is thoughtful but she’s ten 🙄

Your dw should not 'tell you off' in front of your dd.

That's a late bedtime for a 10 year old. My 12 & 14 year olds are in bed with lights out at 9:15. I think I might change it till a bit later now though.

Can she not take her book up to bed and read it there until she falls asleep? I remember doing that when I was a child, woke up in the morning and book was on bedside table where my mum had put it, I knew nothing about it. It was all amicable and peaceful.

YABU, what a fuss about nothing. So what if she stays up to her usual Tuesday bedtime, you have literally created friction for no reason other than to exert control.

Either her bedtime is 9.45pm on a Tuesday or it isn't. How was DD to know that you'd go back to the original time because she missed the start of the programme?
It sounds as though you disagree with her being allowed to watch the programme (since you say it's your dw's decision) so you used tonight to exert your authority and undermine the agreement you've already made for Tuesdays.
None of you came out of this well but your DD does have the excuse of being 10.

That’s a late bed time for a 10 year old no?

@keepforgettingmyusername it’s not “exerting control”, it’s parenting. Children need to sleep and 9.45 at 10 years old is late.

So is 9pm.

My observation - Unless expectations are clearly communicated you cannot then complain that they haven't been met.

Obviously there was a misunderstanding. You tried the I'm your father you do as I say route, that didn't work. Now you're shitty about it. Instead, when everyone has calmed down, have a discussion about expectations. It is reasonable for your daughter to think that her Tuesday bedtime is 9.45 as you have not communicated that the bedtime is contingent on her watching the program. If the rules are different to her logical assumption you need to tell her that, not just make it up on the night at a random time that was neither agreed bedtime.

Why can't she read in bed?

@user1473878824 it isn't good parenting, there's no consistency, and very poor communication, and no empathy for the child either to suddenly shift the goalposts like so. If the child can stay up until 9.45 every other Tuesday with no ill effect then it was absolutely needless to send her to bed earlier tonight. If she is suffering from going to bed at 9.45 on a Tuesday then why is it allowed to continue?

She’s not suffering from not one Tuesday though is she? I think 9pm is late for a ten year old anyway and an early bedtime is hardly going to hurt. It’s not like this is some terrible ongoing battle. She’ll barely remember it tomorrow, come on. I think the big issue is DW undermining DH in front of the child.

For those questioning a 9.00 bedtime for a 10 year old, surely it depends on what time the child has to get up in the morning. Also variable depending on the individual child.

If the child is reading for the hour before bed anyway then at least they are winding down. A once a week later bedtime for a TV programme is fine if the child is coping well with it.

Out of my 3 DC I have one who has never needed a lot of sleep, one who takes herself off to bed early if tired and one who fights sleep. They all get up fine for school but don’t need to be up until 07.30. They will all lie in on weekends if they need or want to.

Don’t know how to link but this is a screenshot from NHS site for how much sleep children need.

YANBU. Even if your DW thought you were being too strict that's a conversation that should have been had in private, either after she'd gone to bed as she was told, or a quick talk in the kitchen away from her to agree on a different plan, before coming back out and telling her that you'd both decided that she could stay up later/have 5 more mins/whatever.

Parents undermining each other right infront of the kids is a non starter in my book, and is especially damaging when it's usually the same parent undermining the other. Sends a terrible message to the child and chips away at the parent's relationship. Unless one parent is being batshit crazy and suggesting ridiculous things in the heat of the moment then I don't see a need for it.

I must be really strict then my dd who is 10 years old has a bedtime of 8pm on school nights but she gets up at 6am on school days, Friday and Saturday nights I allow dd to stay up until 9.30. if she has a sleepover at her nans she gets to stay up until 10 pm and is allowed to read a book in bed until she falls asleep- naughty nan! Yanbu your dd needs a bed time as she will be tired at school.

I have a non sleeper 9 would have been too early for mine.
I agree with pp it's a lot of fuss over nothing. For the sake of 45 minutes, one time!

I get it - 9.45 is a special.concession to watch a specific programme. In the circumstances where not watching it should be a regular bedtime. DW Should not have undermined you .

If she wants to read in bed she needs to go to bed earlier to allow lights out at actual bedtime.

"then dw said it was her fault and that is why she is still up."

It sounds like OP undermined his wife then tried to drive his authority home. That reads to me like his wife had already told Dd that she could stay up and then OP caused an issue over what was essentially 20mins before Dd would have gone to bed anyway ie raised at 9.25 and Dd assumed bedtime of 9.45.

It should have been discussed beforehand and at least a five minute warning. No one likes having something sprung on them and then be expected to immediately obey when they are in the middle of something. It was always going to cause friction.

9.45 seems a bit late but my 9 year goes to bed at 9 usually. She gets up at 7.30 so still gets a good 10 hours in.

Omg! My kids go to bed really early then! 13yo goes at 9, 12yo goes 8.30, then the 9 and 7 yo go at 7.30 😳 - I must have sleepers!

I agree that it's not fair on DD to keep moving the goalposts. It's either 9.45 on a Tuesday or it isn't. Saying "she didn't watch the show" isn't on.

She's watching tv until 9.45? That's way to late in our house

*too