Sending Dd who is 10 to bed

[DozyGrumpyDad]

AIBU as my her bedtime is 9pm and at 9:25 pm she was told to close her book and go up to bed. Dw let's her stay up on a Tuesday to 9:45 pm after a programme is over on the t.v. Tonight the start of the programm was missed so it wasn't watched. Dd tried to argue a pass as otherwise she would be still up. I had to tell her again to close the book but she got humpy then dw said it was her fault and that is why she is still up. I told her that she still has to do as she is told. Dd started crying as asked her if she wanted bedtime brought back to 8pm. I was told off by dw in front of dd that I was being unreasonable and I should have let it sink in for 5 mins. My arguement is she stayed up later than her bedtime and was told twice to go to bed and that was part of the deal when her bedtime was raised 2 months ago.
It might seem petty on my part but I'm being undermined more often.

9pm isn't a late bedtime if she's getting up at 7.30, it just depends what time she gets up.
Anyway, your wife should have said this out of earshot of dd BUT children don't think like adults, you need to understand this.
She is normally allowed to stay up until 9.45 on Tuesday, so to her mind it's really unfair being sent to bed.
Also, being made to stop immediately when you are reading is rubbish, for anyone.
Normally I am leaning towards the "authoritarian " side on these type of threads, but as someone with older dc I can tell you that coming down heavy over the little things will store up resentment and it's not worth it. I wouldn't battle over something this small -bigger battles are to come!
She's ten, so if you feel like she's not getting enough sleep maybe sit down with you wife when dd not there and discuss it. Do you have tivo or anything she can record the show on? If so, and it's agreed with dw perhaps you could have a chat with dd on another day about doing that instead?
You and dw need to be on the same page, that's the main thing.

Wow that's late. My 9 year old is in bed by 8 most nights. Is she not tired the next day?

My 13 yr old goes at 9.30 mama and listens to radio for a bit. Hes up at 7.
They do still need a lot of sleep. (Although when I was 13 I don't think I went to bed before half ten!)

If the concession for your dd staying up late on a given night was to watch a programme, and she wasn't watching it then I don't think it's unreasonable for her to go to bed at the normal time. She is old enough to understand that but it needs to be made clear in 'the rules' of staying up late. Ie if you are watching x then you can stay up. If you are not then it's normal bedtime. Dd1 is 10 (nearly 11) and generally is in bed by about 8 but reading for half an hour with a small lamp for a little while as she's the oldest. On a Friday scouts finishes at 9:15 so she's not in bed until 9:45-10pm. It's a special concession for being oldest/up late.

As your dd was reading, whatever day or time it was then I have learnt with mine to tell them to finish the page/chapter (depending on how much is left - just starting a chapter, not so much) and then go to bed. Then they're not mid paragraph/sentence. You wouldn't finish at that point yourself. It also elicits a more favourable resolution. They think they're getting more time but you're getting them to bed without fuss.

What on earth is she watching after 9 o'clock at 10 years old? I too think 9 is late for her age. But I think you were in the right about that situation.

My 9year old has a sort-of bedtime of 9 (always been a late bird and no, she’s not tired in the morning) but she’s up in her room from 8, we read to her and then she reads or draws or plays until lights out.

I think 9is fine but I’d not allow her to be downstairs all that time. Why is she watching post-watershed TV?

For those questioning a 9.00 bedtime for a 10 year old, surely it depends on what time the child has to get up in the morning. Also variable depending on the individual child.

Yup, my 6yo needs 10 and a half hours sleep. That's the right amount for him and totally normal for his age. He goes to sleep at 9.30pm and wakes at 8am. There is time in our schedule for him to sleep until nearly 8.30am but he's generally wide awake at 8am. Lots of kids have no need or desire to get up at the crack of dawn so people need to stop judging other people's bedtimes based on their own start time.

All the people trying to question the bedtime, i think not your child, not your decision.

I agree you needed to have established that the programme was the sole reason for bedtime extension on a Tuesday or it seems unfair from the child's point of view to suddenly change the rules.

I also think that it is outrageous that your wife is undermining you in front of your child. It doesn't matter if she doesn't agree with your decision to send your child to bed at that particular moment, you are a parenting team and it is vital that you back each others decisions and present a united front to your children. Kids pick up on these things and they will divide and conquer and ultimately cause issues in your relationship to get their own way. (Daddy said no but Mummy will say yes... kind of thing).

Disputes about rules and parenting need to be debated and agreed behind closed doors. Do not let your child see the cracks for the sake of your relationship and your child. I would be sitting down with her for an adult conversation about how undermining from either party is not acceptable and that if you have an issue with how one party dealt with a child situation it can be discussed later.

I'm 37 and I've been known to go to bed at 8pm before the candle may or may not have been being burnt at both ends

I also think that it is outrageous that your wife is undermining you in front of your child.

Do you expect her to toe the line and support behaviour she sees as unfair and unreasonable?

Insisting that parents are a united front no matter what will mean that the stricter, less reasonable parent will always "win" and the other one will have to just go along with it so as not to "undermine" them.

I think the DW thought OP was undermining her. DW agreed to the later bedtime on a Tues for the programme. DW agreed to the later bedtime last night. OP then tried to change it directly with the DC.

I’m feeling kind of mean now. My10 yo is expected to be washed and in bed by 8 on school night and he then gets 30mins reading time to wind down! Lights out 8.30.

Personally I think changing the rules suddenly without any notice is wrong and just provoking issues like you received.

Exactly Anne and Karigan!
Although you put it more clearly than me!

Thanks all for your input. I'm man enough to take the critisicm on the chin. In hindsight I was unreasonable how I handled it and next time which there undoubtedly there will be I'll give her 5 minutes and option of reading in bed for a chapter or two.
If DW undermines me again or rather when I'll just go with the flow as I feel she sometimes does it for a little bit of spite.
Ironically DD will go to bed instantly when I tell her to without any fuss or tantrums when DW is at work, hmm strange that. I'd always get a kiss and a hug when I send her but not last night.
Dd doesn't have to get up until between 0730 and 0800 with the other 2 so sleep isn't an issue.

@magenta82 i expect that a couple in a healthy relationship are capable of agreeing a parenting strategy between them and sticking to the parameters of the agreement.

Sending the child to bed is not the end of the world and not wildly unreasonable even if you did disagree. So the wife should have backed OP up and then spoken to her husband about how she felt the issue was mismanaged, the husband should be listening to her concerns and agreeing a way forward between them for the future. This works both ways.

I'm not saying that you should never challenge your significant other about their decisions and 'toe the line', just do it behind closed doors.

By all means if the other party is being a right dick and not listening then all bets are off and obviously this whole method is moot, i just think this is the best, ideal way to handle things.

I acknowledge this involves 2 mature and willing adults to work.