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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu 6 month old baby dad issues

40 replies

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 09:18

LG now 6 months old and had a hard start we’ve found out in the last month that she has CMPA so is now on a soy based formula.
Starting to introduce foods so I’ve got dairy free butter for toast and yogurts for now as wanting to do a more baby leg this go round.
She goes to her dads every weekend and found out him and his partner have given her porridge which would be fine if milk wasn’t stated on the boxes ingredients (it was btw) and I’ve had to deal with our daughter runny poos, being sick and crying where she’s obviously in pain.
I’ve not spoke to him since Sunday night after he told me and after I asked about the ingredients.
Aibu to not allow him to feed her anything other than formula for the day and a bit that he has her? Or stop contact til I know he’s gonna take our daughters dietry requirements seriously?
To add I found it was his partner who brought it and she is also aware of the CMP issues .... back story there is he was cheating on her with me and I got pregnant. They have no children of their own.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 09:22

Personally I wouldn’t want a baby that age going away for the weekend even if it was to her dads and especially if the partner is feeding her porridge ffs.

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 09:26

Greatduck I have no issues with her spending time there she has been going for a few months now with no issues plus they only live up the road 5 min walk if that ... just to add it was the boxed baby porridge from 4+ months

OP posts:
Zebedee88 · 26/03/2019 09:26

Could it have been a simple mistake? For example, when I found out I had food intolerances , I was surprised that a lot of the food had the food in it that I wasn't expecting.
Or could you provide the food for her?

I fully understand why you don't want your daughter to go there.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 26/03/2019 09:27

The fact that he cheated on you with her isn't what matters here, don't let that derail you.
You need to focus on the fact that your child's father isn't feeding her correctly and is choosing to cause her pain. Have you actually discussed the CMPA with him properly? Does he understand it?
You can't just have him feed her formula, it's unfair on the child.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/03/2019 09:29

They might have thought the only milk in porridge is the milk you add (it is with actual porridge oats), so if they were making it with her formula or water it would be ok. I doubt she would've deliberately made your daughter ill because you had an affair with her partner

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 09:29

You need to go and talk to them both then, spell it out that they aren’t allowed to feed her anything unless you’ve provided it. See how it goes.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/03/2019 09:30

@Didntwanttochangemyname he didn't cheat on OP, he cheated on his partner with OP

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 09:32

Didntwanttochangemyname.. he cheated on her with me and that’s not even the issue here it’s the fact that we all know that she can’t have dairy he’s even come to the doctors with me and discussed everything what she can and cannot have. Now he’s done this can I really trust any of them with our daughter?

OP posts:
TheYoungOffendersMum · 26/03/2019 09:35

Sit down with them both and go through it again. Show them where on the packaging to look for the allergens and write them down a list of safe foods they can buy.

My ex did this, my daughter was lactose intolerant and he refused to believe it and gave her milk. Also refused to believe she had travelsickness, to my face (I was told she threw up in his car despite my warnings about how to handle it, so that backfired, the that).

But this was also the man who wouldn't give me the money for dioralyte for her when she was sick as a baby (I now know why she was so poorly; luckily after excluding dairy for a few years I was able to reintroduce it. She still can't have too much though).

Is there a court order in place? You can withhold contact until he agrees to adhere to her needs.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 09:36

Now he’s done this can I really trust any of them with our daughter?

Who knows? It doesn’t appear so imo though. In your shoes I’d be saying no more weekend stays till she’s older personally.
What are you going to do now?

Graphista · 26/03/2019 09:40

Could you give them the right foods to give her to start with but discuss with them what she CAN have rather than them simply in an ill informed way trying to avoid what she can't?

Is there an info sheet you've been given that you could copy and give to them?

Food allergies/intolerances can be a nightmare to navigate and yes there are foods and other products that allergens turn up in the most unexpected places!

My dd has a couple and when first navigating I was caught out by the allergens being in foods you wouldn't expect them to be and also in toiletries etc which caused problems.

We know now after many years of dealing but whenever a product we've been using for years has that lovely (not!) label of "new improved" recipe/formula etc our hearts sink as the allergens aren't always listed (not common ones).

So would those suggestions work?

SharkSave · 26/03/2019 09:41

I think I would treat it as a one off mistake tbh. Spell it out for them or send food with her. I don't think a single occurrence is enough to stop contact.

Also, if the issue isn't that he cheated on her with you, why even mention it!

Didntwanttochangemyname · 26/03/2019 09:46

Sorry OP, I misread. But the point is does he understand the allergy?

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 09:56

Sharksave as I put in my op it was her that brought it and so I’m currently laying the blame on her for not reading the packaging properly and only added that info hoping she isn’t twisted enough to make our daughter intentionally ill.
I’ll gather some factsheets from health visitors and sit down with them both and explain the importance of the condition and what to look for etc.
Just worried that they won’t take my input seriously as we have had arguments in the past over using formula as I was originally breastfeeding.

OP posts:
TwoRoundabouts · 26/03/2019 10:47

I’ll gather some factsheets from health visitors and sit down with them both and explain the importance of the condition and what to look for etc.

This probably won't work. As a PP said you are better of telling them what she can eat.

Also simplify it for them so instead of saying she can have dairy free butter (which is actually spread/margarine) and dairy free yoghurts, simply say she eats fresh bread on it's own and doesn't eat yoghurt.

Just worried that they won’t take my input seriously as we have had arguments in the past over using formula as I was originally breastfeeding.

Unfortunately it is likely for a few reasons. There are people who don't take their own allergy seriously let alone that of another person. They don't realise allergies can kill or cause serious injury. There are also people who pretend they have an allergy or intolerance when there is nothing wrong with them, and there are people who pretend an intolerance is an allergy.

Easiest thing to do is to send food with her that she can eat. Though only send processed food with her that you can see only has up to 3 ingredients and send unprocessed stuff which they may have to mash up with a fork before feeding it to her so they can see she can eat fruit, veg, potatoes etc.

Lots of adults with allergies take their own food with them when out or you simply don't eat if they are unsure but the latter isn't an option for a child.

MRex · 26/03/2019 11:15

You need to explain to them the issues caused and ask them to throw away the porridge, as well as being more careful in future. If they screw up again then it's a different matter.

Graphista · 26/03/2019 11:38

I'm also thinking if you sent food with her they've no excuse and if they do then feed her things she can't have you have a stronger case for getting others to intervene.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/03/2019 11:48

At 6 months, it's perfectly reasonable that you make contact short and frequent. Couple of hours on a weekend day, two evenings a week for an hour. No feeding. No sole care for the OW.

If he doesn't like it, he is free to go to court.

I would be worried tbh that someone who might feel hostile towards you is in sole care of your child. Pointless asking if you trust your ex to actually do the parenting when his dd is with him - he's not trustworthy as you know. So you should assume that the cheaty loser is quite possibly weaselling out of his parenting responsibilities just as carelessly as he did on your relationship, if so, you have to think of the possibility that his OW is the one actually feeding your baby and not giving much of a shit about her welfare.

Don't let them have her for more than a couple of hours and don't let them feed her.

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 11:49

Thankyou for everyone’s input I will get on with a list and getting a sit down with them both to explain the affects of feeding our girl certain things and being extra careful so it doesn’t happen again in the future... good idea from posters about packing foods for them.
Out of interest with having a day or 2 without solids cause any issues? She’s only 6 months and thinking maybe when she’s more dependant on it at a year old her dad and partner can feed her solids from then?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 26/03/2019 11:50

Just worried that they won’t take my input seriously as we have had arguments in the past over using formula as I was originally breastfeeding.

If there is the slightest hint that either of these scumbags think that they can tell you, the mother and resident parent, that they will not follow your instructions, then you stop contact IMMEDIATELY.

You have every right to do so if you think for a moment that they are not acting in your DD's best interests (that means followign feeding instructions from her resident parent, by the way).

There shouldn't even be the slightest argument over this - he left, he isn't a resident parent. He follows and respects what you say or he can go to court to see her.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/03/2019 11:52

I think the answer to that should be turned around. If your DD's feeding development currently includes solids, and her loser father and his partner are causing a problem with it, then the answer ISN'T that her feeding development is disrupted to pander to them. The answer is that they don't get to feed her. They can still see her, but not feed her. Her feeding pattern comes first.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 11:53

At 6 months, it's perfectly reasonable that you make contact short and frequent. Couple of hours on a weekend day, two evenings a week for an hour. No feeding. No sole care for the OW

Totally agree with this. Personally I would be doing the above OP while my baby was so young.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/03/2019 11:55

And if you are having issues like this so early on, I seriously suggest that you cut their shit NOW by sending a very strong message. Your DD lives with you, what you say goes as far as her care and health are concerned. If they can't abide by that, then there can't be contact until everything is set out in a court order. Or, he can make his life a lot easier by respecting your wishes and you'll be happy to continue with contact as it is. End of. His choice.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/03/2019 11:56

I would not be letting her go there over a weekend so young.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/03/2019 12:03

If the baby is staying over, DEFINITELY stop that. Far too young - she needs to be with her primary carer overnight for a good attachment (a court would not give him overnights for a LONG time yet, if he did make a court application by the way).