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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu 6 month old baby dad issues

40 replies

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 09:18

LG now 6 months old and had a hard start we’ve found out in the last month that she has CMPA so is now on a soy based formula.
Starting to introduce foods so I’ve got dairy free butter for toast and yogurts for now as wanting to do a more baby leg this go round.
She goes to her dads every weekend and found out him and his partner have given her porridge which would be fine if milk wasn’t stated on the boxes ingredients (it was btw) and I’ve had to deal with our daughter runny poos, being sick and crying where she’s obviously in pain.
I’ve not spoke to him since Sunday night after he told me and after I asked about the ingredients.
Aibu to not allow him to feed her anything other than formula for the day and a bit that he has her? Or stop contact til I know he’s gonna take our daughters dietry requirements seriously?
To add I found it was his partner who brought it and she is also aware of the CMP issues .... back story there is he was cheating on her with me and I got pregnant. They have no children of their own.

OP posts:
Nearlythere1 · 26/03/2019 12:50

I would not let her go that young, and I certainly wouldn't be sending her to the house of the woman whose partner you cheated with. That's insane. How can that woman possibly not resent your daughter?

pinkgloves · 26/03/2019 12:53

You're sending her overnight?!

Exhausted18 · 26/03/2019 13:32

Could you not give them the benefit of the doubt that this was a once off, genuine mistake? My DD has cow's milk allergy and would react exactly like your baby if she was given any, so I know it is difficult but once off mistakes do happen.

The fact you are immediately jumping to the conclusion that she is intentionally making your child sick says more about you than her tbh.
So what if she bought the porridge, maybe she didn't think to look at the ingredients in the shop? I've done that myself, bought food for DD and come home and realised before giving them to her that they have cow's milk in them. I think the more important question is why on earth did your daughter's father not check it before giving it to her?? Ultimately it is his responsibility not hers! By all means, limit the visits to a few hours if you feel so inclined. I wouldn't be cutting out solids for two days of the week like that if it was my DD but then she would be looking for them at this stage (age 6 and 1/2 mths) and is a hungry baby.

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 18:18

After speaking to him earlier today he said he honestly didn’t realise but understands if it happens again that overnights will stop and contact will be limited to between eating and feeding times ... I’ve given him an extensive list of foods that our lg is able to eat fruit veg bread even some meats like chicken when the time comes for that

To all the posters stating she is too young for overnights we made this arrangement before we found out about the milk issue and well before we started introducing solid food ... he knows how to make up a bottle correctly and all that now I’ve explained to him and she is his responsibility to so I can’t see any reason why she shouldn’t bond with him like she has bonded with me? We have done this civilly no courts involved

OP posts:
pinkgloves · 26/03/2019 18:27

Have you not read about the primary career/attachment comments?

I couldn't have dreamed of having my ds away overnight at that young. I think it's pretty weird and sad actually.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/03/2019 18:29

Honestly, no she shouldn't be staying overnight at this stage - for the sake of good bonding with BOTH of you! She's too young. Right now, to form a secure attachment she needs to spend her nights with her primary carer, and that's you. That will give her the security to remain unstressed and as a result, she will in the longer term feel more emotionally secure and will be more confident, not less, in staying longer with her dad and not with you when she is older.

Think about it - right now, she is far too little to understand the concept of just staying over for a night, and she'll be back at home with you in a day or two. She doesn't know that. All she knows is that every now and again, and she doesn't know when or why it happens, you (her primary carer) will disappear and her bed will be different, the voices will be different, the people will all be different. She doesn't know if you're coming back - maybe one of these times you won't. This will put her under stress until you return, and it's bad for brain development and bad for her learning secure attachment - ie, that her primary carer will always be there and won't ever leave.

It doesn't have anything to do with dad and forming a bond with him - it's much more primal than that - it's about the way the brain develops. It seems counter-intuitive, but if you want her to grow up and develop strong, good attachments with her dad and his partner and his family, as separated parents, then right now make sure she sees lots of them but isn't in the situation where at any moment she might find you gone for the night - keep her home with you.

Nicknacky · 26/03/2019 18:34

There is nothing wrong with the baby staying overnight if the op is happy with that (feeding issues aside). People need to stop telling her she is wrong to do that, it’s hard being on your own with the baby so she might appreciate the rest

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 18:48

Just to add which isn’t relevant I also have a 3 yo also a girl and her dad doesn’t bother so having my youngest with a dad that does care and does want to spend time with his daughter is a god send ... he lives literally 5mins up the road as they moved closer after our LG was born so any issues on the 1 night she’s not with me per week it’s easy to go get her or for him to just as easy drop her back .... not every single mum has this and I’m lucky in this aspect

OP posts:
Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 18:59

Feeding issues aside obvs

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 26/03/2019 19:03

Sorry but there's no way I'd let them have her over meal times.

And overnight, that's just weird. Your poor baby.

anniehm · 26/03/2019 19:19

Are you on the kind of terms you can sit down with her and go through the complete dietary arrangements. It could be a simple mistake by someone not used to restrictions.

Exhausted18 · 26/03/2019 19:23

Op, please don't take offense but are you still holding out hope he'll leave his wife and come back to you? Just the way you constantly refer to "our" girl, how eager you are for him to build a bond at the detriment to your own and how quick you were to level the blame at his wife for this incident when really it's not her responsibility at all. I feel bad for you and mostly feel bad for his wife, I don't know how she does it, truly. If I am wrong then I wholeheartedly apologise. But reading between the lines here,this man sound like a grade A shithead, sorry. How lovely for him that he has his wife convinced to move next to his affair partner and they get to play happy families while you jump to facilitate him as much as possible. You and your girls deserve more than having to pander to this Flowers

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 19:39

I have stated that I have spoken to him about the ingredients in packaged food and he’s taken responsibility for that .. I don’t refer to LG being mine as it took both of us to make her so she is ours not just his and not just mine .... his wife found out about our affair when I was 20 weeks pregnant and it’s coming up to a year now and she’s done well with our daughter the only time I’ve faulted them both was this one time over the last weekend yes I put most of the blame on her as she was the one who brought said food given but I know it’s not her responsibility it’s his and we have discussed this between us

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 26/03/2019 19:43

What was his attitude like when you spoke to him about the porridge?

"Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't realise it contained milk, is DD alright?"

Or

"Meh she seemed fine when she was here, you're making too much of a big deal about this"

This would make a big difference IMO. If it's a one off and he is sorry then I would allow visits to continue and for him to feed her. Perhaps provide a packed lunch or a list of approved foods.

If you don't allow him to give food you're just delaying the problem as pretty soon she will need the solids regularly - some of my friends babies were on 3 proper meals by 11 months)

(Tbf I wouldn't expect porridge to have milk added, usually you add it yourself)

Mum2girl2015 · 26/03/2019 19:59

That he was really sorry he didn’t realise was really remorseful with baby porridge I’ve seen and used with my eldest you only have to add water .... I have compiled a list for him of foods that won’t bring harm to her

OP posts:
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