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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'll never get my stuff back safely?

47 replies

growingenough · 26/03/2019 07:56

I recently left an abusive relationship. I need to go back to the house to get my stuff back but am scared. I'm scared he will be there. He works nights sometimes and he alternates driving to work with his colleague so his car is often there even when he's not in. I have no idea if he is on nights or not. There are sentimental things in the house, and practical things too which belong to my baby boy. How can I make sure I can get in the house safely? If I called 101 would they send an officer round to ensure the house is empty? Don't know what to do and whilst I can take a friend with me, it doesn't make it safe 😥

OP posts:
3luckystars · 26/03/2019 07:59

Can you go a few mornings in a row and wait until he actually leaves and go in then?
Have you any friends you can bring with you?

Good luck.

Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:01

I'm an hour away from him so not really Sad I do but they work in the week. I don't know how that would help though as he has no qualms with losing it in front of my friends. I need him to not be there. I can't really wait for him to leave. He would see me and my car.

OP posts:
Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:02

I only want to get a few things. Things that I worry he will get rid of to spite me.

OP posts:
OneBILLIONDollars · 26/03/2019 08:02

Try the non emergency number and see if they can support

AuntieStella · 26/03/2019 08:05

As things stand, you cannot be sure he will not be there, and k the longer you leave it the worse it gets (in terms of causing you stress)

If you think he would kick off in front of your friends, start asking them for help to cast your net a bit wider. Friends of friends, large, no-nonsense types

Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:07

I don't think that's the answer @AuntieStella but I do see where you are coming from. I really just need him to not be there. I don't want to come face to face with him. It's an hour away and my son is ebf so he has to come with me. I'm so frightened of him.

OP posts:
Babyornotbaby · 26/03/2019 08:08

Can you ask the police to assist?

regularbutpanickingabit · 26/03/2019 08:08

Have you reported his abuse? If you call 101 and explain the situation then someone from the domestic abuse unit will be able to advise you. Yes, that may include officers accompanying you on a visit or forewarning him to be out - unfortunately the forewarning may result in him destroying your stuff but that’s another reason to report him.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 26/03/2019 08:10

Can you ask Women's Aid for advice - they must deal with this on a pretty regular basis.

Friends who've recently separated in a very difficult way had a police officer visit the house to escort one of them to collect belongings because the risk was so high - contact your local police and check if it could be arranged. Flowers

Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:10

@regularbutpanickingabit the police have been involved. They were quite useless and definitely not specialist. I'm really scared he will destroy things like photographs. I hope he hasn't already but I need to sort it sooner rather than later as it's all too much stress at the moment!

OP posts:
MRex · 26/03/2019 08:11

Ask your local police station if they'd be willing to support you, to avoid violence they may be willing to if you've given a statement about him. Take two friends and a van to get everything at once, so it when you expect him to be at work. I hope it goes ok.

floppyflappy · 26/03/2019 08:16

As others have said, try the police non-emergency number and ask if they can signpost you to any organisations that could support - women's aid? Victim support? Any other women's groups nearby?

Or your council may be able to signpost you; ring the main number and ask for any advice/support relevant to fleeing domestic abuse.

Thanks good luck op

wombat1a · 26/03/2019 08:26

Do you have a legal right of entry? If you go in without him being there then can he then make false claims against you later on? In this case then you defiantly need police support.

megrichardson · 26/03/2019 08:26

The only other thing I can think of is hiring someone to accompany you, I have never done this but i suppose it must be possible, some kind of bouncer or bailiff type person. My sympathies, OP.

Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:27

@wombat1a I still own 50% of the house so I guess so?

OP posts:
Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:29

He won't even notice that I have been. There are bigger things I need to take but I will get these at a later date. Today I just need to get my jewellery, photos, clothes etc. He won't know I've even been in the house as he's not that sharp.

OP posts:
jackstini · 26/03/2019 08:30

Can you call work under a different name to check if he's there?

Yes you absolutely have the right to go in
Is the house up for sale so you can get your half of equity back?

labazsisgoingmad · 26/03/2019 08:31

when i faced the same situation the police came with me ex kicked off and they soon dealt with him

Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:32

@jackstini my solicitor is on the case :)

Definitely can't. He works for his mate and it's just 4 of them. I did think about getting someone to call and pretend to be someone else to see if he's at work but thought it would be a bit silly...

OP posts:
juneau · 26/03/2019 08:35

Just call the local police number (local to the house that you need to access) and ask that an officer accompany you. I thought it was standard practice in abuse cases?

Original poster
growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:39

Not sure if it's standard I've never been in this position before. I know beggars can't be choosers, I just want to know he isn't in. If he's there I won't go in the house, police or no police.

OP posts:
Originallymeonly · 26/03/2019 08:41

I tried to supervise my ex taking stuff on a court order without the police, and was gently told off afterwards for not asking an officer to attend. They came out anyway on a 999 as he tried to break my arm when I put my hand on something that wasn't his to take.

Call the non emergency number for the police nearest to the house and ask for an officer to attend to prevent a breach of the peace. They may want proof that you have the right to enter, if you've never reported from that address in the past.

Dillydallyalltheway · 26/03/2019 08:45

Is he your babies dad? Just wondering if and only if it was safe to take your little one to see him then you could collect your things at the same time. Obv If it’s not safe then this is not going to work.

DeaflySilence · 26/03/2019 08:46

Call the police! If you are still likely to be in danger in the presence of friends, then it is too dangerous for you to go and, actually, it is also too dangerous for others to accompany.

Call the police, refer to your previous report(s) and tell them that you need things out of your house for you and your baby. If they refuse, tell them you will be attacked, cannot send someone else (as no-one would have the right of entry), and you need police presence.

I am not basing this on any special knowledge of police, btw. Simply on what I know a friend to have done and she was given support.

whitesoxx · 26/03/2019 08:47

Right, lots of ideas given to you but you want us to tell you he's out when we can't possibly know. If the police aren't enough then nobody will be and in such a serious situation you shouldn't be putting your baby in danger for these possessions.

I would speak to a neighbour and explain. Ask to watch from their window (obviously don't park there) until he leaves. Give him 20 minutes to be away from the house (in case he forgets something and returns)

Neighbour watches baby while you retrieve your things.

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