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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'll never get my stuff back safely?

47 replies

growingenough · 26/03/2019 07:56

I recently left an abusive relationship. I need to go back to the house to get my stuff back but am scared. I'm scared he will be there. He works nights sometimes and he alternates driving to work with his colleague so his car is often there even when he's not in. I have no idea if he is on nights or not. There are sentimental things in the house, and practical things too which belong to my baby boy. How can I make sure I can get in the house safely? If I called 101 would they send an officer round to ensure the house is empty? Don't know what to do and whilst I can take a friend with me, it doesn't make it safe 😥

OP posts:

CoraPirbright · 26/03/2019 08:48

Do you have any contact with your old neighbours? Could they monitor his comings and goings and then let you know his current timetable?

I would definitely attend with an officer in tow in any case.

CoraPirbright · 26/03/2019 08:48

Ha! Whitesoxx. Great minds.....

Original poster

growingenough · 26/03/2019 08:50

I don't want people to tell me when he's out, I am just saying I won't go in the house when he's there as I'm scared of him. I was wondering if the police would knock first to see if he's in or not and let me know as opposed to me just going in an hoping he's not there.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

OP posts:

Mosaic123 · 26/03/2019 08:53

Or could a friend knock, one that he doesn't know.

whitesoxx · 26/03/2019 08:56

What do you want then? You don't want the police, don't want to observe yourself, don't want friends, don't want neighbours, don't want to fake a call to work to check he's there. Really difficult to help you OP!

whitesoxx · 26/03/2019 08:56

@CoraPirbright

yaela123 · 26/03/2019 09:00

Could you get a friend to knock first and then let you know?

Coolaschmoola · 26/03/2019 09:02

If the police attend with you they will confine him in one room whilst you get your possessions. If he attempts to do anything to you they will arrest him and remove him.

This is your safest option. Going alone when he's out, with a baby is a dreadful idea - what if he comes back and catches you? Then you really would be in serious danger.

AgathaF · 26/03/2019 09:02

Just ring the police non emergency number and ask them what support they can give you. If no joy there then try WA. People here can only give so much advice, you need to talk to the people who can offer real, physical support.

Original poster

growingenough · 26/03/2019 09:02

I didn't say I don't want the police, I said I won't go in if he's there and that's regardless of police presence, I can't observe myself as I'm an hour away and he works shifts, I can't know when he's going out I have no idea, I never said I don't want neighbours. I don't even know the neighbours? And I've explained that a fake call to work won't work as he works for his mate who is self employed. I don't have his mobile number. I hope people understand that coming face to face with your abuser after you have left them is quite terrifying. Please bear with me if I'm not 100% logical or happy to go in he house with him watching me.

OP posts:

Original poster

growingenough · 26/03/2019 09:03

I'm going to call 101 now thank you for your help all.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/03/2019 09:04

The police will accompany you. They won't leave if he is there; you only get one shot at getting what you need so make plans to get everything, but they will stand with you and make sure no harm comes to you.

It wasn't fun, by any stretch, but it's probably your only chance of getting your things. They did advise me that if I really didn't want to see him, it was better to just leave the stuff, but that was my choice - leave everything and start again or retrieve things with him potentially there, but a police officer with me. You could maybe also ask to take a friend to help; too.

KathyS901 · 26/03/2019 09:07

If you live an hour away, you will need to go to his area, preferably in a rental car or in a friend's car which he won't recognise. You need to see him leave, and then go in. If you find out he's at work and then drive to his from one hour away, he might get back far too quickly. If you see him leave then you can run in and get as much as you need.

KathyS901 · 26/03/2019 09:08

Also, I hate to say this, but I very much doubt that the police would escort you round. It would be nice if they would and I hope they do but I just really can't see it happening

whitesoxx · 26/03/2019 09:11

Well you can't go with a baby if even the police won't make you feel safe.

I know it's hard but you can knock on a neighbours door and explain. I'm sure they would help and at least they can keep baby safe.

The police are absolutely your best bet.

And doesn't matter who employs him, get a man to ring up and ask for him, say he's been recommended for some work or whatever

TheInvestigator · 26/03/2019 09:11

The police will attend to prevent a breach of the peace if the force in your area allows that. Phone them and ask.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 26/03/2019 09:14

The police accompanied me in a similar situation OP (except it wasn't me just going in without ex knowing - ex was present, chucking my stuff out the door 🙄). I rang 101 in advance and it was the local DV unit who dealt with it and arranged a time with me etc (there wasn't any other police involvement in my case so it's not that I was already seeing the DV team or anything). This was nearly 10 years ago though... I hope they can help you. Well done for getting out x

Weenurse · 26/03/2019 09:17

Good luck

Seahorseshoe · 26/03/2019 09:23

You can call the non emergency police and ask for their advice.

IAmNotAWitch · 26/03/2019 09:45

The baby needs to be no where near this situation. Leave them elsewhere with a friend regardless of when/how you go.

Yabbers · 26/03/2019 10:02

You don’t want the police if he’s there, you don’t want someone to see when he’s out, you won’t go and watch to see when he leaves, you won’t phone his work to see if he’s there.

Not at all unreasonable to think you will never get your things back.

pinkstinks · 26/03/2019 10:17

Police absolutely will assist or pcso and they most likely will have body cam as well.
You just need to call and arrange a time as they might not be able to do it if you just rock up.

Good luck op

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