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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about this

56 replies

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 25/03/2019 23:18

My finance has just come in from work and put Ddog in the cage for 10 minutes as a punishment for chewing a roll of cello tape I had already told her off for that earlier on when I caught her with it. I have told him before that he can’t use the dog crate as a punishment because she sleeps in there and it will only confuse her. He refused to let her out even when I told him that he can’t punish her for something that she did when he wasn’t here she’s a 14 week old puppy that is still in the chewing stage AIBU to be annoyed with him over it.

OP posts:
RSAcre · 26/03/2019 01:46

THIS. Wot Preggosaurus said. Red flags.

Decormad38 · 26/03/2019 01:56

Agree with some other posters that this would be a red flag for me. I would not be marrying anyone who is that stubborn and lacking in empathy.

Original poster
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 26/03/2019 03:21

@RSAcre I’m probably happier with the dog but that’s because I have a really strong bond with her when she first arrived I sat up all night with her and for the past week I have been sleeping on the couch with her because she’s a good girl and she will just sleep next to me I’m the one who does everything for her including taking her to the vets. Thank you I have a lot that I need to think about when it comes to my partner and the dog. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 26/03/2019 03:24

@Preggosaurus9 I think your right I think it might get to him that I can handle the dog better than he can and I know what am doing and don’t have to shout at her to get her to behave she knows by my face when she’s doing something wrong.

@Decormad38 I think I need to have a serious think about what to do.

Thank you everyone for your advice I have a lot to think about there is a bigger issue here than just him undermining me when it comes to the dog.

OP posts:
brizzlemint · 26/03/2019 03:36

He's an idiot. Put him in the cage next time he does something wrong.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/03/2019 04:18

It is worrying that he feels the need to be in control in a situation he knows nothing about, rather than opting to learn from you or other useful sources. Big red flag.

Tinkerbell456 · 26/03/2019 04:50

The dog won’t understand why she has been crated.Being scolded at the time with a firm “no” while showing her the tape would do the trick better, surely.

sobeyondthehills · 26/03/2019 05:41

I completely get what everyone is saying, but if he has never owned a dog, let alone a puppy, he literally has no idea what to do.

Ignoring you would be a flag

Also there might be a bit of jealousy coming in (could also be a flag) as you said you were sleeping on the sofa with her? Why are you doing this with her? Particularly when you are trying to crate train, surely that is giving mixed messages to your dog?

The dog and the cats know full well that they can mess around with him and not listen to him
I also have cats and they don't listen to anyone that is a fucking cat for you

Decormad38 · 26/03/2019 06:00

Hope you resolve it op. Take care.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2019 06:05

Is he generally quite dim?

She's a puppy. She is teething, she will chew things, many things, it's what they do. You don't punish them after the event like a child and you certainly don't send them to bed.

What a fucking idiot. Seriously. I hate peoole who have animals and shouldn't because they are too thick to work out how to deal with them.

I really hope you're not considering having kids with him. And I'd make it clear if he doesn't treat the dog well he can fuck off out of it.

Original poster
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 26/03/2019 06:06

@brizzlemint haha I might just try that.

@HomeThreatreSystem I have tried to teach him so has my mum but he’s struggling to grasp what we are telling him and just wants to try his own thing which isn’t helping.

@Tinkerbell456 that is what I had already done so I really don’t understand why he had to tell her off again when he come home.

@sobeyondthehills that’s why me and my mum have been trying to teach him what to do but he just wants to try his own thing which doesn’t work because she’s learning different things we both need to be on the same page when it comes to the dog but it’s hard to get him on the same page when he’s hardly ever here. Am wondering if it could be jealousy because she’s attached herself to me but am here all the time with her. I have been leaving her out of the crate because she’s getting on really well with the pad training and with my insomnia I tend to just fall asleep on the couch with the dog and she stays by my side. My cats listen to me but when it comes to my finance they all just walk all over him and do whatever the hell they like because he lets them which also makes the cats difficult. Everyone is nice and calm and then he comes home from work and all hell breaks loose.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/03/2019 06:07

He sounds like an idiot. Are you sure you want to marry him?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 26/03/2019 06:13

Your both at fault for leaving the cello tape within reach of the puppy, the dog is teething and will chew anything it can find.

Original poster
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 26/03/2019 06:13

Thank you @Decormad38 I hope we can otherwise I think I will have to seriously consider taking the animals and going somewhere else. Thank you you too.

@Bluntess100 Yes seriously dim at times he can be as hard work as living with 10 kids. I have told him this and I know that it’s just a stage that she’s going through and she will get past it eventually but he’s struggling to grasp that. Think this is why it’s just easier for me to deal with them all because I know what am doing he fed them the other night and decided to put the cats bowls in the oven to stop the dog from getting them and never told me until I pulled out 4 melted bowls after I had switched the oven on to do the tea that’s how dim he can be at times. We where planning on having kids but having the dog has made me realise that kids wouldn’t be a good idea until he figures out how to handle the dog and if he doesn’t learn then he can get lost. I can look after the dog by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 26/03/2019 06:18

@unexpectedItemInShaggingArea right now after all this with the dog no I wouldn’t marry him until he sorts himself out.

@HaudYerWheesthYaWeeBellend am not sure where the tape was left for her to get it but after I had taken it off her I put it on the table out of reach. But I have 4 cats and a dog to keep an eye on all day every day so things do tend to end up on the floor because the cats don’t give a shit about what they throw off the side.

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 26/03/2019 06:33

What would he do if she pees on the floor? Rub her nose in it? Our horrible neighbour used to train her puppy that way when I was a child.

PregnantSea · 26/03/2019 06:34

Sounds like you know a lot more about dogs than your DP does. He needs to do some research - perhaps a book or even just some reputable videos on YouTube, to help him understand. I'm not sure how you get him to do that though because if you suggest it to him he will probably get defensive. He may feel like you're rubbing it in that he doesn't know what he's doing.

oneforthepain · 26/03/2019 06:36

Think this is why it’s just easier for me to deal with them all

Yea, he would not be the first man to make life harder by being "dim" to get you to just do everything on your own.

He also doesn't sound like someone who's "struggling to grasp" what you and your mum are saying, so much as someone who has no respect for what you're saying and therefore isn't interested in even pretending to listen to you. Possibly because you're women and he harbours objections to being told anything by women, possibly not.

I don't think puppy training is likely to solve that issue regardless of cause. Unless it's run as a joint training for disrespectful partners to sort themselves out.

It shouldn't be this hard. If he respected you - and a decent partner would - he would listen to you. He also wouldn't make your life harder.

Mary1935 · 26/03/2019 06:53

Hi op why would you want to stay with someone you compare to “living with 10 children” - that must be draining.
I would really look at his behaviours going forward. Does he listen to you at other times or “ is he always right”
I’m be wary of having children with him.

sobeyondthehills · 26/03/2019 07:01

I have been leaving her out of the crate because she’s getting on really well with the pad training and with my insomnia I tend to just fall asleep on the couch with the dog and she stays by my side. My cats listen to me but when it comes to my finance they all just walk all over him and do whatever the hell they like because he lets them which also makes the cats difficult. Everyone is nice and calm and then he comes home from work and all hell breaks loose.

My dog and cats listen to me alot more because I am at home with them, so I get that, I also suffer with insomnia, I actually felt my puppy (at the time) was a lot more full on than my DS, so just on that I can't understand why you are giving mixed singles to your dog, she either sleeps with you or sleeps in her crate.

Also again Cats are bastards.

Everyone on this thread is yelling LTB yet it seems to be its ok for you to give the dog mixed signals as an experience dog owner but not ok for your partner who has no experience with dogs to do the same

CluedoAddict · 26/03/2019 07:04

He's an idiot. I hate crates they are so cruel.

Original poster
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 26/03/2019 07:21

@strawberrisc we where told to do that and that’s something that he does but I don’t like doing that to her it’s not nice to shove her nose in the pee.

@PregnantSea I’ve had dogs since I was a child so I probably do know more than him I will get him to sit and watch some YouTube videos he wouldn’t read a book but he will watch videos. I just need him to be on the same page as me otherwise it’s never going to work and the dog will continue to walk all over him.

@Mary1935 it can be very draining at times I enjoy the peace and quiet when he goes to work and it’s just me and the animals. He does listen to me over other things some of the time but when it comes to the dog he does his own thing and ignores any advice from me or my mum.

@oneforthepain I really should know what he’s like because he’s exactly the same in work he thinks if he plays dumb he can get out of doing things. I don’t think he is interested in what we are saying and just thinks he can do whatever he feels like which really doesn’t help with the dog. I wish they did training for disrespectful partners to sort themselves out I would sign him up to it. I don’t think he realises how much harder and stressful he can make my life at times.

@sobeyondthehills she can be very full on and demanding when she wants to be but I enjoy being kept busy. I stopped using the crate for her to sleep in a few weeks ago I found she was easier to look after when she slept either in bed with us or on the couch with the cats and it’s working she uses her pads and gets fed when we get up I only use the crate when I have to go out because she suffers very badly with separation anxiety and she will rip up the carpet if she is left out when we go out so I have to crate her if I need to go out anywhere which I try not to do too much unless I can take her with me. Haha oh I know tell me about mine are very good at giving me dirty looks if I do something wrong. I think we both just need to be on the same page I really think the dog would be good for him if he was doing the same thing as me but it’s hard to get on the same page when he’s hardly ever here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 26/03/2019 07:27

@CluedoAdict I found the crate was easier to use when we first got her but now that she’s got the hang of the pads and is going out for walks I think it’s better to just let her sleep where she wants because she’s no trouble the only time I have any problems with her is if I leave the room and don’t take her with me she will destroy the carpet because of her separation anxiety so I have to have her with me everywhere I go unless I have to go out and can’t take her with me then she has to go in the crate.

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 26/03/2019 07:34

MN is a bit like a crystal ball for all aspects of life so if you want to see what a future with a useless man baby DP looks like, it's all here...endless posts from frazzled and exasperated mums trying to do it all because the DP can't or won't do their share competently. There are also comments from mums who have amazing hands-on and supportive DPs so you can see how it should work. I am sure there are many in the first camp who wished they'd skipped off into the sunset with their pets.

strawberrisc · 26/03/2019 07:45

He rubs the puppies nose in its pee? I’m starting to hope this is not real.

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