AIBU to not want to get married?

[ReadingInReading]

I am fast approaching 30 and my parents are unhappy that I'm not married and refuse to believe me when I say I don't want to ever marry.

My dad is still supremely upset and offended that I moved out after getting a job post uni he can't understand why I, as an adult, would prefer to live with my boyfriend in our own home instead of staying in my childhood bedroom! He is from another culture, but he's been in England for 3 decades for goodness sake.

I've been with DP for the better part of a decade, we earn a similar amount, no plans for kids yet but when we do have them we plan to take shared parental leave. He's not bothered either way about marriage.

I just don't want to get married. I don't want to do it, I don't see the point, and I don't want people okay mostly my family to pressure me into it.

AIBU?

YANBU. It's your life - do whatever you think is best for you.

If you don’t want to get married then don’t. However, it is worth considering marriage for the legal protection if you are planning on having children especially if you are thinking about becoming a SAHM or working part time

It depends.

Of course you shouldn’t if you don’t want to, but if you will be in anyway dependent on your partner once you have children then you’d be wise to consider it.

It’s all very well planning to take ShPL but you have no idea what it will be like - you might want to have the whole time, it might not be financially viable etc.

You might get sick and need looking after.

I think that you should separate the romantic view of marriage from the practical side and assess whether or not it makes sense.

I was in a similar position to you and we got married because we wanted to have a family and it was definitely the right choice.

Littlemissdaredevil

Can you specify what legal protection you mean?

YANBU

Merryoldgoat

I think that you should separate the romantic view of marriage from the practical side and assess whether or not it makes sense.

I don't see it as a romantic thing at all, actually, I see it as a contract which is very difficult to leave.

You certainly shouldn't get married to please your parents. You're fine so long as you're prepared to organise your legal affairs. Marriage sorts out a lot of them automatically - that's just how life is at the moment. If you don't want marry, then make sure you both have wills & that your shared legal affairs (eg housing, next of kin in the event of an emergency, etc) are sorted out. Otherwise you can find you're dealing with a lot of nasty surprises in the event of a serious illness / death. This esp important if you decide to have children. The pernicious myth of "common law wife / husband" causes untold misery in England & Wales - I believe unmarried partners may have greater rights in Scotland.

YANBU of course.

But you also have to accept that this is one area of life that people have different views on, especially people of an older generation.

@ReadingInReading

If you significantly impair your earnings to facilitate his career or to have children you will be entitled to a financial settlement.

The relationship boards are littered with women who have several children, give up work, have no access to money and cannot leave easily because they’d be left with nothing.

This is by no means a given but it’s horriy common.

I don't plan to give up work, I go stir crazy if I have to stay at home. I want to be back at work as soon as feasible.

Point taken about financial settlement, but he'd need a major career change for that to be worth it, we currently earn the same ish amount - £30k - although he has the capacity to work overtime and I'm just salaried.

Do you own your home?

PP mean things like, if he died you would automatically get his half of the house. (If you were married). His pension.

I see it as a contract which is very difficult to leave

I wouldn't say its difficult to leave at all, and actually from experience its harder to make a clean break when you're just partners because legally you have to sort your own shit out, and if a relationship ends in a bad way its hard to do that and usually someone loses out.

At least with divorce, that can be taken out of your hands and someone else gets to decide how things should be split etc.

I don't plan to give up work, I go stir crazy if I have to stay at home. I want to be back at work as soon as feasible

i'd also say that you might think this now, but you might feel very different when you actually have kids.

Yanbu, people are always surprised when I tell them me and dp have been together for 20+ years, 2 DC and aren't married. I get a head tilt and a "awww why don't you ask him?" And "aren't you worried about what would happen financially if you split?" (they don't know how to react when I say I have more to lose than him so by not getting married I am protecting myself financially)

Of course you're not. Marriage is an option: not an obligation. I've never been married and my life is pretty fab pretty much all of the time. Small sample size, I know but ..... it is possible to be happy without being married

Meandmetoo ha! That's funny and also a good point - my parents are homeowners and his are not so ultimately I would have more to lose in the long, long run. But that's not really a leading reason or motivation for me.

stevie69

Good to hear that you've also had a positive experience. May I ask if you're unmarried through choice or did you want to get married but things didn't work out?

It is a contract which can be difficult to leave, that's kind of the point. But because it can be so significant, it's not right for everybody. It may not be right for you.

What I would suggest is getting some legal advice about the best way to arrange your affairs, and staying on top of it all, plus making life choices with this in mind. So don't give up work if you have a child etc, which it sounds like you wouldn't anyway. Keep an eye on net worth, value of home etc and if you ever end up at the level where inheritance tax kicks in, have a plan. Which could be marriage or making sure there's money to pay it without having to sell the home.

If one of you is taken ill you or his parents are the next of kin if you are not married. And you can't get a widows pension if you are unmarried

YANBU. I'm not married and never have been, have 2 children (17 and 20) and have been in long tern relationships but never married . No intention of getting married either (I would consider a civil partnership though). My parents were together for over 20 years and never married so it was never a big deal to me.

I wouldn't have kids without planning to have the legal paperwork in place that would entitle each other to death in service and pension payouts from our respective employers. Regardless of whether you now earn the same, one of you is likely to overtake the other at some point, especially with young babies, and statistically that is likely to be you as the woman.

Why don't you want to get married? Is it the expense? The party? Potentially being divorced rather than just single if it goes south? You don't need to even tell anyone, just go get the certificate and carry on with your lives but women benefit for being married, which is why stereotypically men joke about the wife being a ball and chain.

Also, I decided I'd be back at work 6 months after giving birth and said EXACTLY the same as you. I actually earn more than my husband but despite all my planning, I was very happy to push my return to work back to 9 months. You can't know how you will actuallu feel when the time comes. A hypothetical baby is very different to the real thing!

Marriage affords greater status and legal protection. Seriously, op consider it.

I planned to return to work 6 months after...hes now 13 in Year 8 and the baba is 1. Husband works FT. My wedding was such fun ...🌞, champagne and smiles.

I have never wanted to get married because I don't want to be a wife. I don't like the idea (whether or not it's still in the service) of obeying anyone. I've always outearned any partner and worked full time. My dad raised me to ensure I was always financially independent; if you are it removes that need to be married. I have no regrets about not marrying!

I am not really the marrying kind, but my partner and I married a few weeks ago after 24 years of being together. The main reason for getting married after all those years was financial (although we do love each other!). We are getting on and have had a few health scares, and we were concerned about inheritance tax implications when one of us dies. We don't have children, but if we had had them I would have wanted marriage before they had been born, again for the purely practical/financial side of things.
Don't get married if neither of you want to, but at least put wills in place, if you haven't already. Before we married we had mirror wills so that the remaining partner received everything. This offered a great deal of protection, but not, of course, from the grasping fingers of HMRC.

women benefit for being married

No. The person who sacrifices their career due to children or ends up as the resident parent benefits from being married.

The person who dies second benefits from being married
The person whose spouse gets an inheritance benefits from being married.

Both benefit marginally re tax etc.

However, it’s generally the woman who gets shat on.

OP it’s your life, your Dad doesn’t have to understand.

It is very rare that one person’s career doesn’t suffer when you have kids. Someone has to drop them off & be on time to collect them from childcare. Someone has to stay home when they’re unwell. Someone has to take them to various other things in work time. That generally ends up being one person to ‘protect’ the other person’s job as it’s often safer to only piss one employer off. It’s not about the few months after the birth, it’s about the next 15 or so years. If he just says he’s not going to, you can’t make him do those things and likewise he can’t make you...but someone has to and it’s generally the woman who caves in.

Or if one of you walks out. You can’t make the non resident parent take 50:50 care & responsibility, then the resident parent is left with all of the responsibility, all of the care, all of the housing costs, all of the ‘being there on time for collecting them’ , all of the expense of holiday care etc whilst the non resident parent only has themselves to look after and the freedom of working any hours they choose.

Once you are in the middle of all of that, it’s too late to do anything about it legally. There are other ways to protect yourself legally and marriage doesn’t totally solve them, but it’s currently still the best way to have some protection in the face of it all going arse up.

As a contract, it’s easy enough to get out of. Easier than most.

Even if you’re the higher earner, as a woman, it’s still not generally in your best interest to not get married if you have children because if he walks out you’d be left with the DC & the full cost of providing for them. There are a few exceptions, such as solely owning the house or being due a LARGE inheritance in the very near future etc