AIBU to not want to get married?

[ReadingInReading]

I am fast approaching 30 and my parents are unhappy that I'm not married and refuse to believe me when I say I don't want to ever marry.

My dad is still supremely upset and offended that I moved out after getting a job post uni he can't understand why I, as an adult, would prefer to live with my boyfriend in our own home instead of staying in my childhood bedroom! He is from another culture, but he's been in England for 3 decades for goodness sake.

I've been with DP for the better part of a decade, we earn a similar amount, no plans for kids yet but when we do have them we plan to take shared parental leave. He's not bothered either way about marriage.

I just don't want to get married. I don't want to do it, I don't see the point, and I don't want people okay mostly my family to pressure me into it.

AIBU?

Incredibly sad, thanks for misquoting me. I said HISTORICALLY and STATISTICALLY women benefit 🙄

AIUI you can sort almost everything out in the same way as a marriage without having that legal contract, but some things are a bit harder to sort out than others.

I'm a bit concerned by you saying you earn the same but he can pick up more overtime. Many, many couples who have children start out with the assumption that equal earnings = equal loss of earnings when you have DCs but I'd bet a lot of money that one of the following will happen:

You want to go back to work but childcare is expensive so you stay off for longer because you have already been at home so you are more used to it.
You want to go back to work and he isn't averse to staying off with the DCs but his work frowns upon parental leave as he's a bloke and it's not expected.
You go back to work but take a salary hit because you are working part time.
You go back to work and take a salary hit despite working full time because you can't be as flexible with travelling etc. and he doesn't want to pick up the slack or he'll not get his overtime payments.

Even just taking 6 months off with one DC and then another 6 months with another one women get a huge salary hit.

YANBU, as long as you don't believe that living together makes you a common law wife, or that marriage is just a piece of paper, or any of the other often trotted out crap.

If you have researched the difference that marriage makes, and decided that isn't for you, then knock yourself out.

I got married as I wanted us to be on the same ‘team’ when raising children. I saw it as providing a family unit. I changed the ‘obey’ word and didn’t get married in church. It was a small get together with people we liked. It was a celebration of us.

Having children with someone is so much bigger than getting married. We probably wouldn’t have got married if we weren’t going to have children but it felt very right because we were.

It definately didn’t feel an un-feminist thing to do, it actually felt quite radical as none of my friends were married.

I'm absolutely anti-marriage, OP, but I did in fact marry my longterm partner after more than 20 years together for much the same reasons longearedbat gives though we do have a child. We just had a registry office quickie in jeans with two witnesses no flowers, rings, personalised vows, photos etc -- and went for lunch and then back to work. We didn't tell anyone else, and it changed nothing about our relationship, but was simply the quickest and easiest way of protecting ourselves legally.

It sounds to me as if your desire not to get married comes from being tired of family pressure about this being the unique route to female fulfilment via bagging a chap and having a Special Day etc etc -- which I get, but it would be a pity if that blinded you to the legal and financial advantages of marriage. As with us, your family don't need to know you went to a registry office on your lunchbreak.

Ultimately it's your choice but please make sure you're protected legally. If you're not married you'll need to pay inheritance tax on any property, for example. Also I don't know any partnership where someone's career hasn't suffered upon having children unless both are extremely wealthy and can afford round the clock childcare.

For example, do you have a job that fits around childcare hours? Does your partner? Who's going to take time off work when the children are sick? Who's going to take them to school and collect them? What about school plays, assemblies, parents evening, teacher training days - it all adds up. You won't just be able to go back to how it was before.

Think carefully.