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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think he still wants me?

54 replies

FigRollTime · 24/03/2019 21:43

Back in early December, a male friend and I became close but nothing happened because we both have partners and children. We never spoke about our feelings but I think it was obvious to each other. We’re still friends and are still with our original partners.

My question is, if he had strong feelings for me in December, is he likely to still have strong feelings for me now or can these things just disappear?

If it helps and for context, he’s a very logical, rational person. He thinks everything through and never makes rash decisions. He will be following his head in this matter.

Can men turn their feelings on and off? Will he still have feelings for me?

Thanks.

OP posts:
over50andfab · 24/03/2019 22:23

I have actually been in a similar situation OP except I’m single, the guy’s married...and also very loyal. I’d have loved to know if he felt the same simply for my own selfish sense of knowing someone wanted me. However what I felt more was the potential guilt I’d feel at knowing a married man had feelings for me and how wrong that was. It would make me feel complicit in him being unfaithful in a way to his wife simply for having those thoughts. I didn’t push things and we both distanced ourselves.

So no, it’s not right

Keener · 24/03/2019 22:23

OP, stop behaving as though this is some great, tragic love affair manqué. It can happen from time to time that two happily married people realise there’s an attraction. It’s not a big deal. Just ignore it and it will go away. It may already have gone away for him, as presumably he’s not on the internet trying to make a bunch of strangers assure him you still love him...

ChicCroissant · 24/03/2019 22:25

OP, nothing has happened outside your own thoughts on this!

cheesydoesit · 24/03/2019 22:34

I knew it was you before I even opened the thread.

AnneOfCleanTables · 24/03/2019 22:41

You don't know that he ever wanted you. As for turning feelings on and off, all people can choose to ignore or move on from feelings. Some are better than others at knowing the difference between a crush and a relationship.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 24/03/2019 22:42

Brief Encounters called Op, they want their script back.

TSSDNCOP · 24/03/2019 22:42

Get a grip, you sound like a complete muppet.

Consider your husband and children, as this man is clearly considering his own.

AnneOfCleanTables · 24/03/2019 22:45

'you're willing to stay with your partner' - fgs don't. You should end your relationship. Let him have the chance of a relationship with someone who is committed and attracted to him.
But don't tell him about your fantasy about your friend. You'd be cruelly jeopardising your friend's relationship for the sake of your crush.

ShitAtScarbble · 24/03/2019 22:47

cheesydoesit Do tell! 😂

kateandme · 24/03/2019 22:52

you go on about how good this other bloke is and had feeling for you.but if he was that good a person why would he get so close to someone who wasn't his partner.people don't do that when they are in a loving commited family

kateandme · 24/03/2019 22:58

at least though he saw the rror before it crossed acertain point and is with his family now.a blip for him.but what your doing is hurting people.hurting a whole family and possibly another.
your kids deserve more and so does your partner
you say its cruel to tell him.buts its cruel he thinks hes loved when your wanting someone else.
if this other bloke came and wanted to be with you would you drop your own family.like a shot.so your staying with him for a comfy life?

ChicCroissant · 24/03/2019 23:03

There have been a number of threads with a similar tale recently.

Bubblegumgal · 24/03/2019 23:10

Op don’t you think your husband deserves better than someone ‘willing’ to stay with him? 🙄 You say you’re the only one who’s in pain but I guarantee you’re wrong.

Bubblegumgal · 24/03/2019 23:12

& no op if he wanted you he’d leave his wife so he could start something with you, but he’s not, because he doesn’t.

Sadiesnakes · 24/03/2019 23:18

For all you know he was just being friendly, maybe thought you were alright. There's a good chance he never thinks about you at all. You sound like a stalker op, fantasizing about something that isn't real and never happened.

Your poor dh. Good of you to stay with him instead of leaving for a silly unreciprocated crush.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/03/2019 23:30

I agree, let your husband know so that he can find someone who actually loves him. 'Willing to stay' - you're coming across as pretty arrogant there.

Does he still love you - well you don't actually know if he did love you? If he's soooo loyal then he can't have done.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 24/03/2019 23:54

Wow, is your DP really that bad that you are only stretching yourself, "willing."

As for the meaningful moments. Cant even.

Sparklesocks · 25/03/2019 00:08

A lot of these threads pop up about the same scenario, makes you wonder how many are the same person hoping posters will finally tell them yes! This man loves you! Go for it!! And of course they never will.

The bottom line is: it’s completely irrelevant how he feels about you now because nothing is going to happen. Zip. Zilch. So get it out of your head, move on. Deep and meaningful moments mean fuck all. You are with other people. You have families. Sorry to be harsh but it’s the truth. This isn’t a movie, it’s not a Hollywood story about love defeating the odds, it’s two people looking for excitement outside of their lives and no good can come of it.

If you no longer love your partner you need to address that, but you’re wasting time obsessing over someone nothing ever even happened with.

SilverySurfer · 25/03/2019 00:44

So you're hoping that two families will be destroyed because you fancy this bloke but in the meantime you're willing to stay with your DP? How big of you Hmm

Do your DP a favour and leave him so he's free to find someone who will love him more than you apparently do. While you're at it find some self respect.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/03/2019 00:53

Did you have previous thread, everyone advised you to leave ypur DH if not happy.
This imaginary affair will not bring you or his DW any happiness.
If your marraige is over be brave and leave, if you feel you cant do this alone, get support but not with someone else's DH.
He probably isn't genuine at all, probably enjoying you fawning over him.

Original poster
FigRollTime · 25/03/2019 01:21

I haven’t posted about this before. Thanks for the advice. I’m not trying to break anyone up. I’m just wondering if he’s hurting like I am. Probably not is the consensus.

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 25/03/2019 11:06

I'm willing to stay with my partner

How magnanimous of you. Would he be willing to stay with you though, if he knew you were nursing an unseemly crush on a colleague?

You sound as if you have read too many romantic novels.Find a new job, then mend or end your marriage first of all.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 25/03/2019 11:24

"Willing to stay with him"

What a horrible way to speak about your partner, as if he should feel lucky.

This is such an unhealthy situation and cruel to your partner.

Get over it or leave your partner so he can find someone who loves being with him, rather than someone just "willing" to settle.

PlasticPatty · 25/03/2019 11:36

Feelings change. I've 'fallen in love' twice with the same man, and would have told you we've lived through past lives together, linked souls etc. But I don't love him now. And I'm pretty sure he has no interest in me. So, feelings change. The OM might still want you, or he might not.

Keener · 25/03/2019 11:48

What people are saying, OP, is that it simply doesn't matter whether he continues to have any feelings for you or not. As you say yourself, nothing can ever happen, so it's irrelevant whether he barely remembers your name or has a secret shrine to you in his wardrobe.