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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sometimes wish I worked 7 days a week?

35 replies

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 08:08

Not just for the money as it would still be shit but because every weekend without fail my middle son just screams, throws himself and things about or tries to start arguments. Even getting him in the shower is a battle. He is being assessed for asd but that's not going to change anything really except for sticking a label on it. I'm just at the end of my tether. I try to keep things calm we can be out having a nice time he will be happy and within a second he flips and is screaming and being aggressive he even punched me for the first time yesterday. He then cries and cries when he is calming down.

I just dont know what to do. I try to keep things in routine and he uses techniques to stay calm but nothing seems to truly help and hes as big as me now so I cant restrain him. It's also affecting my other two really badly as it's really not nice to see him in such a state and have him smashing the house up. having strangers say their brother should be put down or needs a good slap. They also get picked on by other kids because he is "weird".

I just feel so useless it's like I'm letting them all down and I dont know what to do. He has cbt at school but it doesn't seem to do much. At school he is very quiet but well behaved. I work with asd kids (non verbal) so should know how to cope but I dont. I just feel like I'm going to snap one day. They only see their dad for 4 hours every two weeks if that so that's when I get me time well cleaning time but at least its quiet.

So apart from working every day what can I do?

OP posts:

moomoogalicious · 24/03/2019 08:13

My dd also has asc and i recognise most of what you're saying. Its bloody hard work but remember that his behaviour stems from anxiety. How old is he?

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 08:18

He is 11 so it's a hard year school wise and I do understand but living it is so difficult. I just feel like my other two are not getting any attention half the time and I'm not giving him what he needs either. When hes not like it hes a lovely, cuddly, bright boy hes very very sensory so struggles when we go shopping but has put alot of things in place for that.

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Squeegle · 24/03/2019 08:20

Very hard when you’re on your own. How much support do you get? Can their Dad do any not?

Squeegle · 24/03/2019 08:20

Any more?

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 08:26

I dont really get any support. Their dad works every weekend since he left plus he just makes him worse by saying every thing is a bloody surprise even though he knows the reaction that causes. I have family around but they are busy. We go to visit them but that's it really.

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Squeegle · 24/03/2019 08:46

If he is diagnosed for ASD you May be able to claim disability living allowance which may pay for some activities for him which might give you some respite. I think you need to speak to a charity (it is ADD-Vance in my area) to get some help and support on this route. There can be support for siblings as well. I know how you feel; am also a single mum

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 08:47

I am a bit of an anxious person too so think if we are out he picks up on my anxiety which when he has a meltdown goes through the roof as I cant stand being stared at. It's all just a mess at the moment.

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RickOShay · 24/03/2019 08:50

this sounds so hard. How do you feel about getting some outside support? My dd had an extremely difficult few years and I had an Early Help practioner who saved me, she was amazing. You can self refer.

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 09:07

I spoke to CAHMS (sp?)the other day to find out how his referral was coming on and they haven't even marked it yet. They then put me through to someone to give me advice who told me about young carers so I have contacted them. He also asked if I have asked ds what's wrong. I pointed out that he doesn't talk about his feelings and half the time I dont even think he knows.

Thanks so much for the advice but the way will look into that help. I will take any help I can get at the moment.

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Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 10:50

Sorry for my moaning I think I've been really feeling it this weekend. They just left with their dad and I have walked in and burst into tears. Thanks again for all your advice

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moomoogalicious · 24/03/2019 10:54

Have a look for some local support groups. I found lots via facebook plus there's often county support. You'll find parents in the same position as you that can offer support, meet ups, meet ups for siblings advice for applying for dla, where to find respite. As a pp said apply for dla.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/03/2019 11:04

Is there any way his dad could take him on his own sometimes so you could do something with others. Maybe his dad could take him to a specific activity like horse riding which is often good. I know you may be living in the middle of a city. Pets are good for those sensory issues so if his dad could take him to a pet farm or any favourite spot.
Does he have a place in the house with cushions and soft blankets where he can go to chill out? Best to get him there before a meltdown not in the middle of one.
My ds is at college. He is part of a buddy system that takes older children and teens out for a break eg to the cinema, a match or his buddy's favourite: looking around the techie shops. Is there anything like that nearby?
It's tough tough going.

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 11:05

I thought dla was for severely disabled people. Would he need to be formally diagnosed before I can apply? He is physically capable but just wont do things like wash needs promting to dress etc. He goes to mainstream school too.

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Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 11:11

We have cats but they aren't too friendly. He shares a room with his brother and sometimes feel like that's a problem as he cant have any space to just relax. I will speak to his dad about having one to one time with him or with the others. I have found he likes to ride his bike round and round the flats or the park. He loves animals and wants a greyhound one day as he seems to think they dont bark.

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ChipInTheSugar · 24/03/2019 11:19

DLA isn't based on diagnosis - it's based on care needs above and beyond what a NT child that age would reasonably need. It's a long form to complete- the advice is to base it on a "worst" day scenario. Cerebra do an excellent guide to filling it in.

RickOShay · 24/03/2019 11:36

You are not moaning Hamster. It’s so hard. Definitely see what help is out there, it can make all the difference, and don’t forget to take care of yourself, you matter.

GreenTulips · 24/03/2019 11:41

If he hurts you or himself he get bumped up the list

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 12:21

Will they not question why I haven't applied sooner? This weekend is the first weekend he has hit me since he was about 6. Back then he used to headbut me in the face etc. I have left getting him assessed until now as I've spent years thinking he will grow out of it. He wet himself day and night until he was 9 and I was told it was because of me even though their dad was living with us back then. I've just put it off over and over again.

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GreenTulips · 24/03/2019 12:23

They deal with the here and now

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 12:24

Ok thank you .

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flirtygirl · 24/03/2019 12:38

They may ask why you never applied for help before but just put your reasons.

It's important to apply now as adult services are much more patchy then children's services and the fight to access help will be much harder if you don't have some set up now when he's under 16.

The rules changes at 16 and 18 for different help and services available.

Has he got an iep at school, see if they would support you to get a echp and apply for dla?

Go and talk to autism support services in your area as they can help you fill the dla form in and there are usually sessions and support groups you can access.

The help below age 16 whilst patchy can be good but after age 16 it's very hard and you are more on your own.
But getting it in place now will help further down the line.

moomoogalicious · 24/03/2019 12:43

Make sure you get help with the dla form. I don't mean to scare you but it seems that they are designed to trip you up! As a pp said base it on your sons worst day.

Don't put off getting a diagnosis. It has helped my dd enormously as she now knows why she is like she is - she's 16 now and is able to control her behaviour a lot better. You need to push for everything I'm sorry to say.

And ignore what other people say - you know your ds!

MuddlingMackem · 24/03/2019 12:51

If he's in Year 6 pull him out of SATS. If he has bad anxiety SATS prep will be ramping that up big time and taking those out of the picture might help him - as long as the school don't take not doing them out on him.

Not doing SATS shouldn't affect him for secondary, whatever the primary tells you.

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 13:07

The school are the ones who have suddenly noticed he is different as he isn't holding it together quite so well at school as he was. They also wanted him to do an after school sats booster session and when it came to it he just walked out of school. They were so shocked as during a normal school day he does what hes told and does everything to blend into the crowd. The cbt is working on his anxiety about getting things wrong and in his view is pointless as it doesn't do anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 24/03/2019 13:14

I better get on and do something today. I cant seem to stop crying which is very unlike me.

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