To sometimes wish I worked 7 days a week?

[Hamsterdancer]

Not just for the money as it would still be shit but because every weekend without fail my middle son just screams, throws himself and things about or tries to start arguments. Even getting him in the shower is a battle. He is being assessed for asd but that's not going to change anything really except for sticking a label on it. I'm just at the end of my tether. I try to keep things calm we can be out having a nice time he will be happy and within a second he flips and is screaming and being aggressive he even punched me for the first time yesterday. He then cries and cries when he is calming down.

I just dont know what to do. I try to keep things in routine and he uses techniques to stay calm but nothing seems to truly help and hes as big as me now so I cant restrain him. It's also affecting my other two really badly as it's really not nice to see him in such a state and have him smashing the house up. having strangers say their brother should be put down or needs a good slap. They also get picked on by other kids because he is "weird".

I just feel so useless it's like I'm letting them all down and I dont know what to do. He has cbt at school but it doesn't seem to do much. At school he is very quiet but well behaved. I work with asd kids (non verbal) so should know how to cope but I dont. I just feel like I'm going to snap one day. They only see their dad for 4 hours every two weeks if that so that's when I get me time well cleaning time but at least its quiet.

So apart from working every day what can I do?

I imagine he would prefer to stay at home every weekend and just ride his bike? No going out for shopping or getting in the shower on a schedule because the family has to get there on time? Is there any way you can facilitate that? He has structure and routine Mon-Fri. By having a very good babysitter or family member stay at home with him while you pop out with the other two for their activities/shopping on Sat & Sun?
It sounds as if you are doing an amazing job OP. I'd push for him to have more one on one time with his dad midweek. Staying over with him some Eve's and holidays, so that you can give more attention to the others then. So what if the dad winds him up with surprises - you won't be there for the fall out and the dad will soon learn not to do it when he has the consequences to deal with. Really push for it. Tell their dad it's non-negotiatable if he wants you to continue being primary carer.

I am autistic and find cbt useless. It just doesn't work for me as my brain won't think the way it requires. I was told by the autism assessor that this is really common.

I would advise checking for local charities who could support. Applying for PIP. Pushing for the assessment. Having the piece of paper will help at secondary school.

We keep our weekends structured and I try and do things which my autistic DD can't cope with for when she's at school or I can leave her with someone. It may be that you need to shop while the kids are at their dads as he copes better with you cleaning than with going shopping. Alternatively online shopping may be a viable alternative. Try and reduce the flash points as much as possible. Talk to him. When he is calm discuss what he finds difficult. He may not be able to express things properly but if you can get an idea of specific things he really dislikes it may help plan.

Also you are doing a great job.

It sounds like your DS has lots of going on - how is the school SENCO? Are they preparing a transition plan for Y7 yet?

I don’t have much to offer that might help with the big picture, but here’s one thing that might help just a bit.

How is your DS’s sleep? My autistic DS had difficulty sleeping, so we gave him melatonin to help with that, but it also really helps his anxiety.

You’ll need to get a referral from a GP to a psychiatrist because it’s not licensed for sleep medication in Europe, but it’s available as a good supplement in health food shops in most of the rest of the world.

More thoughts from someone in a not dissimilar boat.

As I said, my DS is autistic, but we suspect DD2 is also. We're just at the very beginning of the process with her, though.

From the very beginning, people have commented on how calm I am with DS, but I just found it easy, because I knew from the start that it was something he couldn't help.

For some reason, it was completely different with DD2. She just pushed my buttons in a way I couldn't manage to get under control and I found her impossible to deal with, even though on the face of it she's not as difficult as her brother.

I'm lucky enough to live in an area with really good parenting support, so did a self-referral to frontline CAMHS, which referred me to a parenting coach.

Even though I had done all the reading, knew all the theory about therapeutic parenting and dealing with ASD children etc, I still needed that support to get my mindset straight to deal with my DD.

What I'm trying to say is: it is worth getting a diagnosis. Pushing CAMHS to proceed with the referral is really important - even though it doesn't mean his behaviour will change, your understanding of it, and your relationship to it will. Plus it gets you access to lots of peer support in the form of other parents with ASD children, which is invaluable.

It's also possible (likely - your life sounds really tough!) that you could do with more support for yourself. Whether that would be in the form of antidepressants or counselling or a parenting course or whatever probably depends on what's available.

Hand-hold and from me. You're being a even if it doesn't feel like it, and it won't always be this hard.

Thank you again everyone. It's just so hard sometimes isn't it? I'm not good at being pushy about things which is probably why I haven't got very far. I'm just so tired of trying to hold it all together. Plus the family comments of how he will have to get over this attitude he has if he wants to get a job etc in the future and how he thinks the world revolves around him.

I will make some calls tomorrow to try and chase it up. I work school hours so I can be around for the children so sometimes he does have to come out places with me as I cant do them any other time. I do try to limit such things though.

Hope you get some positive results Hamster. It is hard, the impact of an unhappy child is huge, it colours your family and gets into your soul.
Be clear in yourself that it is not your fault, as you love your children don’t forget to love yourself, if you are ok, your home feels safe for your family.

Thank you I haven't managed to get through today so will have to try again tomorrow. Feeling a bit less stressed since having a good cry yesterday.

This Saturdays been a bit better we went to the seaside. That was until we walked by a noisy arcade he loves them but gets overwhelmed so I tend to avoid them. He started getting worked up and when he does he gets how can I put it um agressive. He sounds awful and just goes on and on repeating threats and words but doesn't listen to what you are saying and even if you gave him the thing or did whatever you think he wanted he would just carry on getting wound up. I was trying to de escalate the situation when his older sibling decides to get involved telling him how he ruins everything and how all he cares about is himself and doesn't care what hes doing to the rest of us just because hes meant to be "special". He then completely snaps and starts trying to punch me so I have to hold him while everyone walking by is staring at me with him screaming.

It's so exhausting. I know my oldest gets upset and feels hes just being difficult. Shes heard people saying there is nothing wrong with him as he can be "good" some of the time and because he is able to talk. It's just so hard to deal with.

Sorry just venting a bit really as I have nowhere else to talk about it.

Hamster, it sounds so hard.
Have you had any luck getting some support?