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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To embrace the fact that I'm a shit person?

43 replies

Ohmyheart · 23/03/2019 23:48

Ready to get blasted over this one.

I have feelings for a work friend. We both have other partners.

I have just had a baby with mine and they are about to have one with theirs.

I wonder if we could both leave our partners and children and be together.

This clearly makes me a shit person and an idiot.

AIBU to acknowledge this and embrace it even if nothing ever happens?

Blurting this out on-line helps.

OP posts:
Samind · 23/03/2019 23:50

Do you know how this work friend feels?

gamerchick · 23/03/2019 23:51

Maybe you should just talk about it here. New babies are always a bit of a headfuck.

You don't want the greener grass.

Nothininmenoggin · 23/03/2019 23:53

You may have feelings for them but do they have feelings for you? You have just had a baby and the other couple are about to have a baby. Have you seriously considered the hurt you would cause if you pursued your "feelings" ?

jessicawessica · 23/03/2019 23:55

You are both normal to be having weird thoughts and feelings with new babies imminent.
Just don't act on it.

Original poster
Ohmyheart · 23/03/2019 23:56

You may have feelings for them but do they have feelings for you? Soft maybe.

Have you seriously considered the hurt you would cause if you pursued your feelings Yes, it would literally be the worse thing I ever did.

OP posts:
steff13 · 23/03/2019 23:56

How long have you had these feelings? Could this be postpartum depression?

jessicawessica · 23/03/2019 23:57

And when you've just had a new baby your head is going to be all over the place.
It's a bit like wedding nerves.

Rtmhwales · 23/03/2019 23:57

How old is your new baby? I'd be concerned more with the fact that you'd be willing to leave them for someone else. Are you having trouble bonding? Could this be PND?

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 24/03/2019 00:00

Is thus person a male? Would you get a brand new boyfriend and his wife get shafted and left holding the baby? This would indeed be a terrible thing to do. Thinking things doesn't make you bad. Doing terrible things does.

Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:02

Baby is a year old.

I wouldn't leave them like a runaway mom type deal, more leave the family structure. Very selfish still.

Love my baby to pieces, but I think I picked the wrong man.

Feelings for work friend has grown a lot. We have known each other for four years and feelings started off as shallow attraction, now full blown affection.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:04

Is thus person a male? Would you get a brand new boyfriend and his wife get shafted and left holding the baby?

This could have been me a year ago. It would have broke the hell out me.

This would indeed be a terrible thing to do. Thinking things doesn't make you bad. Doing terrible things does.

This helps. I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
jessicawessica · 24/03/2019 00:05

What makes you think you picked the wrong man?

Nothininmenoggin · 24/03/2019 00:07

If this is literally the worst thing you could ever do then why would you? Are you unhappy with your own partner? If so would counselling help? I think having an affair would be life changing but not for the better. How old is your baby? To be honest I'm left reeling at your comment of leaving your children and partners to be together.

Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:10

We do not have as much in common as it first appeared.

We do not communicate well.

We do not agree on much.

He is a good dad , which is why I decided to have a baby with him but that's not enough for me emotionally or intellectally anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:13

Probably should have made it clearer that I wouldn't leave my child.

If this is literally the worst thing you could ever do then why would you?

I don't have a logical reason. I feel the pull, I've avoided for years but it grows.

OP posts:
jessicawessica · 24/03/2019 00:15

Your last post is so typical of first time parents. Nothing in common anymore, no comms....so normal after a baby.
you just need to reconnect in some way.
This work colleague seems so attractive because he is, in your mind, the opposite to your DH.
You know, deep down, how you would feel if he did this to you, which is why you feel so much guilt.

howmanybiscuits · 24/03/2019 00:17

You need to get a new job. Then either go for couples counselling or leave your DH.

Easier said that done, I know. But this is the right thing to do.

Your attraction to your colleague is relatively easily solved by removing them from your life. Your issues with your DH are not going to be solved easily, but you will need to face them sooner or later.

Rtmhwales · 24/03/2019 00:23

Are you married to him OP?

That being said, thinking and fantasizing about something doesn't make you a horrible person. I fantasize regularly about running over my XH with a car. I wouldn't actually do it. Leaving your partner isn't the end of the world either if you're unhappy - just please don't leave your baby.

Further to that you need to leave this man alone obviously. He may not feel the same as you do, but even if he does he's about to have a baby with his partner. Are you absolutely sure that the feelings for him are genuine or are they your (perhaps solely a fantasy) escape plan because you're unhappy with your DP and the trials and tribulations (drudgery) that is new parenthood?

Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:24

you just need to reconnect in some way.

I've tried but his ego is fragile and gets in the way.

@howmanybiscuits This sounds sensible but I can't leave my job so soon after having a baby because I have to pay back my additional mat leave.

Me and oh are close to ending it. I could fight for it but would only be fighting for the baby.

I really don't want to lose this person.

OP posts:
Roscommonet · 24/03/2019 00:27

The other person is not yours to lose. Go to the doctors, you sound v depressed and looking for a way out of the grind of your relationship

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 24/03/2019 00:28

If you and dh breakup because you need to do that. That doesn't make you a bad person. Don't use your problems to try and drive a wedge into someone else's relationship though. You won't feel better

Bambamber · 24/03/2019 00:31

How long have you felt this way about your partner? Is it since the baby has been born or longer?

Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:31

No we are not married. Work friend is not married either.

Are you absolutely sure that the feelings for him are genuine or are they your (perhaps solely a fantasy) escape plan because you're unhappy with your DP and the trials and tribulations (drudgery) that is new parenthood?

Yes, I should have told him before we both had kids.

As I said it has been some time.

He wants to be friends for sure but I want more.

I'm telling myself if I really have this affection for him. I should respect that he loves someone else and is with them.

This works most of the time. Not tonight though.

I would never leave my baby. They are the best in the world. I love them so so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:34

The other person is not yours to lose.

In a relationship sense no.

As a friend they are though, factually speaking.

Go to the doctors, you sound v depressed. Surprised that I'm coming off depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohmyheart · 24/03/2019 00:38

@Bambamber

Since I was pregnant. Before then I always fought for the relationship.

Now I just want my baby to be happy.

OP posts: