To embrace the fact that I'm a shit person?

[Ohmyheart]

Ready to get blasted over this one.

I have feelings for a work friend. We both have other partners.

I have just had a baby with mine and they are about to have one with theirs.

I wonder if we could both leave our partners and children and be together.

This clearly makes me a shit person and an idiot.

AIBU to acknowledge this and embrace it even if nothing ever happens?

Blurting this out on-line helps.

I think the problem is more that your actual partner is not right for you. This other chap is irrelevant, he's just a distraction. Please bear in mind that it's perfectly all right to dump a partner who is not making you happy, as long as you do it as kindly and reasonably as possible (unless partner is actually abusive, in which case do whatever it takes to get rid.)

I’m sorry you’re in such an emotional mess op, sorry but it is a mess.
Firstly, you are not a shit person, just a very dissatisfied, unhappy & frustrated one.
If your relationship with DH is going tits up, that’s one thing,
But to be nurturing this fantasy about you and your work friend running away together is another thing altogether.
Are you having an affair or is it just the fantasy?
Try looking at the reality of what you’re dreaming about.
Your friend is about to have a baby (I’m still not sure if you’re talking about a man or a woman here) do you really want to fuck up their happiness?
You’ve really got to get a grip here.
Get some support, or indeed as others have suggested , are you depressed?
Look after yourself, your baby and your future.
I wish you all the best x

Sounds like your relationship is in trouble and you're latching onto to the nearest man who you like, tbh.

You do come across depressed to me. At first, when you said you'd just had a baby, I thought "PND" - but then you said the baby was a year old. Can you rule out PND? Or depression? Or maybe you're just in a bad relationship, which needs to end.

You don't have to have another relationship to jump to, to end your current relationship. Your baby will be fine.

do you really want to fuck up their happiness?

I have a strong suspicion that he is not altogether pleased. Although, I avoid speculating too hard about his relationship because it feels disrespectful.

Am trying to be respectful.

Get some support Trying to get it here.

I think you need o untangle the two things

First end you’re relationship of you aren’t happy. Spread your wings and be single for a while and concentrate in the baby.

Then see what developes later if anything

Oh op.
When I say support I don’t mean MN.
There are indeed some very wise people on here and you can get some great advice but I really think you would benefit from some ‘real’ human contact from friends, family or health professionals.
You really should not be getting involved in what he feels about his relationship and expected child.

Go for it hun, you deserve to be happy

Not

Look, it's perfectly possible that you are realising you are with the wrong man. And you may want to end the relationship - that is not "being selfish" or hurting your children. It will be far more harmful to your children if you stay with a man you don't love and show them that that's what relationships are like.

I realised that my relationship with my then BF was over when I started fantasising (very, very intensely) about other men. I didn't act on it, but I realised something was really wrong, and that I didn't really love my BF as a partner. I ended the relationship, eventually.

Keep things separate. It's one thing that you may not love your partner. It's another thing that you fancy someone else. It's very confusing if you mix them both up.

Start with your relationship - try to work out whether your partner is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Can you talk to someone professionally, a counsellor or therapist?

If you do consider leaving - plan to be on your own and not in the arms of another man.

Be really sure. It is hard bringing up a child and harder as a single parent.

When you are separate - and living life without your present partner - and coping... you can perhaps start to consider another relationship. However, it probably won't be with the person you are fantasising about just now.

Without wishing to be at all unkind, the feelings you have for the man at work do sound like a bit of a fantasy. Things are hard with your partner at the moment, so this man - who you've never had to rely on for anything, and whose bad domestic habits you've never witnessed (I assume) is very much the greener grass on the other side of the fence.

Without knowing him, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that if you were together, the shine would soon wear off. I'm not being cynical - that's just experience talking. Also, the way you worded your OP made it sound as if you were imagining both of you going into a relationship with no strings, but that's just not the case. Your baby's father would have every right to see his child, and so you would still have to deal with him, and of course your work mate would still have an obligation to support his child financially and build a relationship. All those things would place a strain on a new relationship.

And all this is assuming that he wants to leave his partner and be with you which I think is also, at the moment, a bit of a fantasy?

You do sound very unhappy at the moment, but the only person who can make you happier is yourself. You could well have some form of PND which is making you feel so unhappy, but if that's the case, you'll still have the PND if you leave to be with someone else.

I don't think you sound like a shit person at all, just a confused and unhappy one.

Thanks for the responses.

I am confused but I've had some good suggestions here.

Being on my own would feel great but I don't think that feeling would last as I don't want to bring up a child on my own.

I feel like I have to try and make it work with baby's dad.

Really, I'd like us to just be friends because if we have to see each other.

You really should not be getting involved in what he feels about his relationship and expected child.

I try not to, sometimes we talk and he opens up emotionally a bit. I stay positive about his partner and don't bash her. I change the subject too.

If he's not with me, I just want him to be happy so I act as a friend who cares about his relationship would.

Thanks to whoever said my feelings for him and my dying relationship are not as linked as I thought.

I wish I could walk away no strings attached but I can't. I have to accept that.

I don't think I have PND, just deep regret about my life choices.

So you've already decided he's unhappy with his pregnant girlfriend, convenient for you that isn't it. Poor girl, I feel sorry for her, the devastation you're considering wreaking on her life.

There are 2 issues going on here.

1. Your relationship with your OH
2. The other man

1. Deal with this first. Don't make one reliant on the other. Is your relationship breaking down reparable? If so, great and if not end it and get that sorted with finances and visitation.

1. If you are single and free to persue another relationship then you will be able to assess whether this other man (and the heartbreak and fall out) is worth it as the guilt will frame your relationship and that of the wider family and friends group forever.

Being on my own would feel great but I don't think that feeling would last as I don't want to bring up a child on my own.

Do you think the partner of the man of your lust (and that’s all it is, imagined love) wants to bring up a child alone? Unlike you, she probably hasn’t got her Plan B man already set up in the background, so could well end up alone if her partner is as low as you are to consider running off together.

Split with your partner, learn to be your own person for a while. I never understand people who ‘just can’t be alone’. They leech themselves to new partners rather than be alone, it’s pretty sad.

You need to change jobs and have a frank conversation about that with your boss. Is there a way to do it? Can you pay back your mat pay? Have the conversation. Don’t just come on here and say you can’t.

Couples counselling.

You've already decided he's unhappy with his pregnant girlfriend, convenient for you that isn't it.

Actually it's incredibly inconvenient for everybody involved.

I don't know if he's happy or not.

He said a few things that I could have pried into but I just decided it was better I didn't know.

As I said... to his face I've always advocated for her and for their relationship to succeed because I know he does love her.

In my head, I'm disappointed I didn't meet him first and I secretly hope they do split up.

Maybe we could have a chance if both our relationships run their course without us doing something stupid and cheating. Or without me engineering situations to get closer to him.

Poor girl, I feel sorry for her, the devastation you're considering wreaking on her life.

I'm clearly too much of a pussy to steal someone's bf while they're pregnant. I haven't got the balls for that kind of sheer fuckery.

That's why I'm posting about it. Need to get my feelings out...and not to him.

Who wouldn't judge the shit out of someone for this? I certainly judging myself.

@AtaluneI don't want to leave my job it's a good job and if I do leave my partner I'm going to need a stable job. I'd happily never talk to him again rather than leave for more insecure work.

@ladygagain Totally right. Baby's dad is on the way now to talk about number 1. I'm scared, I'm pretty sure that I only love him as a friend.

Do you think the partner of the man of your lust (and that’s all it is, imagined love) wants to bring up a child alone? Unlike you, she probably hasn’t got her Plan B man already set up in the background, so could well end up alone if her partner is as low as you are to consider running off together.

I have absolutely no concept of her personality, her wants, likes and wishes.

Even if she was a total arsehole like me obviously I know from experience that you don't really want to leave your partner for someone else when your pregnant.

Even if we did leave both our partners for each other I know that we would never abdicate parental responsibility.

Split with your partner, learn to be your own person for a while. I never understand people who ‘just can’t be alone’. They leech themselves to new partners rather than be alone, it’s pretty sad.*

Strangely this is the only part of this thread that I'm offended by.

I've been with my partner for over 10 years and before that I was incredibly single and happy to be so.

I don't actually want to jump into a new relationship with someone else. Otherwise I'd just leave my partner and get with some random straight away.

I'm having feelings I shouldn't be for someone else.

That's why I've started questioning my relationship.

Because I feel bad about it and I don't actually want to hurt anyone's feelings.

It’s an infatuation. You’ll get over it.

Ok I haven't read tall the replies but my advice would be that you firstly need to separate your feelings about your partner and current relationship from your feelings about the other man. If you genuinely can't see yourself staying in the relationship then leave. But leave with the intention of being on your own, not getting straight into a new relationship. Both you and your baby need to get used to the new situation and it would be confusing for everyone concerned to add a new person into the mix too soon.
Also prepare yourself for the fact that nothing may ever happen with the other guy. Even if his relationship isn't ideal he may decide to stay with his current partner and work on it, especially after having their baby.