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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just had a raging argument with DP over the stupidest thing

74 replies

Spaceunicorn6789 · 23/03/2019 23:39

And I'm literally raging. And we never argue. Bicker from time to time but never full blown arguments.

Speaking about DPs brothers wedding and how theyre being pressured into inviting people they don't want through family politics etc.

Cue speak of our wedding and DP wanting to invite all and fucking sundry. Friends I've never even met who he hasn't seen since school... Distant uncles who we saw one Christmas 7 years ago and not a peep since... Ex girlfriend parents?!?!

The most ridiculous thing is, we aren't even engaged (Angry) so it was a stupid fucking argument anyway but I'm now furious that if we do get married it's going to be a fucking party for him with 10 people I actually know there and I'll end up sat in the corner basically.

So anyway I'm sulking over an imaginary wedding and he thinks I'm a selfish cowbag for not wanting him to invite these people to the imaginary wedding. Bullshit.

AIBU?!?!

OP posts:
Duck90 · 24/03/2019 01:20

Are you quite young? It sounds like a wedding is a long way away.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/03/2019 01:30

I nicknamed our wedding "Party Ex" because thats how it seemed to be.

And it was.

He spent our wedding night with his best mate drinking and singing karaoke in a bar. Thats about as much commitment he gave to our whole marriage.

Blondebakingmumma · 24/03/2019 01:59

Don’t worry too much. These are arguments for when the actual wedding is being planned.

Work out your budget first. How many guests that will cover. Negotiate even amount of friends and then he will have to prioritize who he had invite with limited numbers.
But for now, it’s not overly important

LunafortJest · 24/03/2019 02:28

Ask him who is going to pay for it? Tell him he can have his friend from kindy there if he wants, as long as he pays for it all. And you can invite everyone from the doctor who delivered you, you'll end up with almost 1000 guests, and he can pay for it all.

LunafortJest · 24/03/2019 02:36

"so invite him to the imaginary evening do then"

But then you are still inviting him anyway. I don't understand the UK's need for two-tiered weddings. It is double the expense. Most other normal countries have one wedding do. Not two. If you invite him to the 'evening do', you are still inviting him anyway, so whats the difference? Just do like other normal countries. Have the wedding, then the reception after. Then finished. If you can't afford to invite him, then you can't afford to invite him - regardless of which 'do' it is. Saying invite him to the 'evening do' is inviting him, anyway.

Crabbyandproudofit · 24/03/2019 02:40

Hopefully you will both laugh about this tomorrow. I wouldn't bother explaining the costs of a wedding meal to him at the moment, if you hope that your 'imaginary' wedding may one day become a real one.

MissionItsPossible · 24/03/2019 02:49

My boyfriend and I once had a full on bickering argument in bed over an imaginary house in London we would be able to buy with a non existent winning lottery ticket 😂

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/03/2019 04:19

OMG yes, once had a full on "not speaking for days" argument over how to spend/share a £150 million imaginary lottery win :o

FiveLittlePigs · 24/03/2019 06:59

A non-existent Lottery ticket huge win sparked a massive row with my ex because he was insisting that his mother deserved half of the non-existent winnings. He was adamant about it. Until I informed him that he was welcome to, we would split the money 50/50 and he could give his 50% to her. We weren't married at the time... Soon changed his mind then! He was always quite happy to give away my belongings though, so shouldn't gave been too surprised. So glad that he's an ex.

Climbingahoneytree · 24/03/2019 07:03

YA both BU for getting in to an argument about a wedding that isn't even in the pipeline

Frouby · 24/03/2019 07:12

Sorry Op but this made me laugh.

Wake him up this morning, tell him you have booked a couple of venues to look at and tag him in a few pictures of big, fuck off engagement rings. When he looks a bit WTF say you assumed last night was a cackhanded proposal and your row was a cackhanded acceptance of his proposal.

See if he gets on the blower to Ibiza Bob and offers bestman duties......

junebirthdaygirl · 24/03/2019 07:15

If ye come to having a wedding just split numbers in half and let him invite who he wants.
My dh had very few relatives. He didn't even care if he invited them. I had tons and wanted them all there. That's how my family works. We just agreed to do our own thing. So maybe it's good ye had the discussion as at the end of the day he has who he wants and you have who you want.
I find in the country places people know each other better and have more connections so maybe that's his story.
But remember he invites who he wants within the allocated number....his decision. No comments from you on how much contact he has with them.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 24/03/2019 07:18

"YANBU It would be weird to have a wedding with the balance-of-guests badly tipped in the direction of one partner."

What about people without any family? Be thoughtful.

Acis · 24/03/2019 07:20

You should have insisted on hiring the Albert Hall and added to the list your own nursery, primary and secondary school friends, everyone you have ever worked with, all your exes and their current partners and families, every member of your family down to 5th cousins 7 times removed, and the assistants you chat to in supermarkets.

HeronLanyon · 24/03/2019 07:24

Just for the sake of the argument I’m wondering why you didn’t bring up all the imaginary distant relatives (who he would never have heard of obvs) old nursery friends etc. Lost an opportunity there op! Trouble is in a relationship without much practice you were no doubt a bit rusty using the freedom of imagination in full on argument !!!
Good luck today.

FyiYolo · 24/03/2019 07:24

He thinks that as the man, he gets to sit back and let the wedding work happen by magic you and all he can think about is who he wants at his magic party wedding.

If you ever do get engaged, make sure he knows magic isn't real by letting him do it ALL.

Arowana · 24/03/2019 07:27

Excellent - I love a massive argument about a totally hypothetical situation! Thanks OP.

maddening · 24/03/2019 07:27

You have 100 guests, he chooses 50 of his family and friends and you have 50 of yours - simple

Arowana · 24/03/2019 07:28

Lunafort, it's not double the expense because you don't pay for a meal for your evening guests (which is the bulk of the per guest cost).

LunafortJest · 24/03/2019 07:34

@Arowana Then why bother having an evening do at all, then? You still have to pay for the room hire etc. When it would be cheaper to have one venue hire, and that's it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/03/2019 08:11

You’d have to work hard to get a wedding for 10k. Ours was 7k 9 years ago and that was with skimping on invites and sundries to afford a nice venue.

If you do marry men don’t generally get involved in the actual organising. Like pp posters said once they find out it’s £80 a head, £20 for the drinks packages £15 for evening guests, £25 cake stand hire,£10 per chair decoration, £20 per buttonhole flower arrangement, £400 for the registrar to marry you at the venue, £100 per usher suit hire, they adjust their guest list.

Even now I regret inviting 4 people to our wedding. Total waste of an invite 🙄.

Arowana · 24/03/2019 08:16

Lunafort - you do just hire one venue! You have the meal there with your daytime guests, then the evening guests arrive after the meal (at no extra cost) for the dancing etc. Yes they know they are 'lesser' guests, but as long as they don't have to travel far they still enjoy joining the party!

LunafortJest · 24/03/2019 08:22

But then whats the point? Extending it for hours after would cost more than if it were just one reception of say, 3 or 4 hours. Venues often charge by the hour. Also, people talk about 'evening buffets' and drinks, so you are still paying for food and drink for them. So you may as well just have them at the meal, or not invite them at all. I have also read many people on here say they would reject an 'evening invite' and find it insulting. So it seems not everyone is ok with just joining the party after as second-class/caste guests.

Arowana · 24/03/2019 08:26

The point is that you share your day with more people, when you wouldn't be able to afford to have them for the whole day. Most big wedding venues are booked for the day and evening anyway, very few charge by the hour. If you're having a different kind of wedding / venue then yes, better not to have evening guests.

I have happily attended evening only weddings without being offended!

Original poster
Spaceunicorn6789 · 24/03/2019 08:28

Hahahahaha MN cheers me right up sometimes Grin

I think the problem lies where I'm very... Unemotional about these things. E.g. I had a best friend but then we drifted apart and haven't seen each other for a year so now we aren't best friends anymore Where's DPs people he classes as close friends is 20 miles long and consists of everyone he so much as had a night out with once because they had a drunk emotional "bro chat" in the taxi queue.

For me, the thiyght of walking down an imaginary aisle with just my mum, sister and brother plus a handful of genuine close friends on my side and the eyes of 80 odd people I would walk past on the street and not even know them makes me feel a bit... Disengaged from the whole imaginary event.

My personal highlight was the argument moved on to the imaginary hen party where I HAD to invite his aunty Jill. I'VE NEVER EVEN FUCKING HEARD OF AN AUNTY JILL STOP MAKING UP FAMILY MEMBERS.

There may also be a small bit of nornally very well hidden resentment in the somewhere that his brother and fiance are getting married soon despite being 5 years younger and together for half the time we have been which might have been where my rage over the imaginary wedding came from Blush

OP posts:
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