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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex threatening to badmouth me to our son

36 replies

Badidas5 · 23/03/2019 22:06

Our son is 5 months old. Ex was quite severely emotionally abusive. Financially too. I'll link my previous thread below.

I've not contacted him for a few days as per advice from my solicitor, women's aid and cafcass. He's been making vague threats, which upset me but I don't truly believe them.

AIBU to be furious that he's now threatened to tell our son how he did nothing wrong and that I was 'a pathetic excuse of a mother' because I put my son's 'nonsense routine' above the need for him to see his dad?

I know I'm not BU but I'm sat here in tears because of this mess and don't know what to do anymore. Why he thinks it's appropriate for me to drive and sit with him on my own in his house whilst he's treating me like this is beyond me.

I am falling apart and could use advice. Scared the courts won't see him for what he is. Sorry for posting numerous times. MN is getting me through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 23/03/2019 22:07

Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3524446-ex-wants-me-to-screw-with-sleep-pattern-so-he-gets-visitation

OP posts:
Jamhandprints · 23/03/2019 22:18

No more taking your child to his house OP. That's ridiculous. He can meet you half way or come to you. And you should have someone else with you. Tell your CAFCASS officer you are unhappy with the arrangements.
Don't worry about the threats. Kids are good at seeing through these things. But tell CAFCASS about it too.

TriciaH87 · 23/03/2019 22:19

You are absolutely in the wright. I remember reading your other post. The best advice i can give is keep a diary of incidents no feelings in it just hard facts. Ex sent message today saying.... Keep all communication between you by text or email. Do not talk on the phone as if it is in writing you have evidence for the courts. Its what i did and still do on the rare occasions my eldest sons father decides to check his child is still breathing. Follow your instincts and listen to your solicitor. Your son needs routine any court would agree that. If he wants to see your child he comes to you. He can sit and watch his child sleep if it means that much to him but you should not have to go to him. I also suggest having a third party present if your not going down the contact centre route to be safe incase he tries making accusations. Your doing what you need to do so don't let him get you down, you've got this.

FermatsTheorem · 23/03/2019 22:19

Screenshot all the threats and pass to your solicitor. Then make the fucker go to court for access and make sure your solicitor shows the threats to the court - courts take a very dim view of attempts at parental alienation.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 23/03/2019 22:24

@Jamhandprints I was meeting him. He's not having access now until a court orders it because I refuse to be in a room with him and subjected to his abuse. He's really hurt me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 23/03/2019 22:34

Thanks @TriciaH87 - this is really taking it out of me. I'm so drained by it all.

@FermatsTheorem will they really see that one text as alienation? I can't believe he would do that. It's so sad. I would never hurt my son. I love him so much. Everything I do is in his best interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 23/03/2019 23:30

He's now threatened to call the police every time I don't text back as he's worried for my son's welfare!! He's losing the plot I think!

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 23/03/2019 23:50

Yes, OP, they would consider that an attempt or threat of parental alienation.

Ignore him. If the police did show up, so what? You show them a healthy sound baby asleep in his cot. Do not reply to the ex, do not engage.

FWIW - my dad tried to say all kinds of crap about my mum when we were kids. Made out like she was always in the wrong and explain away why he was a crap father. Neither myself nor my brother bought it.
Stop engaging with your ex at all. I'm in the same boat more or less, single mum to a 9 month old DS and been separated from his dad 16 months. Once I stopped replying my anxiety subsided almost immediately and I became a much happier healthier mum for my little boy.

Stawp · 23/03/2019 23:54

Screenshot and print it All. He sounds unhinged.

SandyY2K · 23/03/2019 23:54

Ignore him. Call the non emergency police line and tell them about his threat to call them when you don't respond to him. Tell them he was abusive and you ended the relationship.

You can (if you want) send him a pic once a week of your DS, but he doesn't deserve it.

He can't be bothered driving to see his DS... real dad of the year.

Keep ignoring him. In fact..I'd block him.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 23/03/2019 23:54

Thank you @Rtmhwales - and all the best. I agree re the not responding. I guess I just find it scary the idea of him feeding my son with lies and filling his head. I would hate for my son to be put in that position too. It's not right Sad he claims to have our child's best interests at heart but I don't think he even knows how to put anyone other than himself first...

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 23/03/2019 23:55

He's vile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 24/03/2019 07:46

Has anyone else experienced this? Woke up this morning and instantly remembered his message. It's really got to me. I haven't responded to him.

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 24/03/2019 08:04

Right.
Let him call the police. So what?
Look, you are seeing everything from the perspective of a mother who puts her child’s interest at the heart of everything.
He, on the other hand, is using the same child to get to you, using him as a stick to beat you with.
It’s hard to get your hear around that, one would think of course he’s going to put the child’s interest first. But he’s not, he is treating your child as an object with which to hit and torture you.

Take the stick out of his hand. If he wants access, let him get it through court.

OhamIreally · 24/03/2019 08:32

Sorry you're going through this OP. If your son is only 5 months old however there is plenty of time for your ex to lose interest and drift away.

I doubt he will continue through the court if he can't even be bothered to drive to see his son. He just wants to abuse you and have you deliver yourself ready to receive the abuse. Shut him down, block and communicate via email only.

If he harasses you call the police.

nauseous5000 · 24/03/2019 09:09

OP, I've been there. Split when DD was 2, so bit older than your little one. He has a "dossier of hate" to share with her when she's old enough- how terrible a girlfriend and mum I allegedly was- but do you know what? I'm not worried by it. When she was 3 he used to tell her I was a fat smelly pig and she told him not to be horrible about me- she saw straight through him. I never (well very rarely) say anything bad about him to her and when she tells me he's said x,y or z about me, I just say "Wow, that hurts my feelings." She's seeing through him and she's ultimately loyal to me, both as her main carer and because I don't slag him off. It's a scary time right now and things may get worse before they get better, but you have to stay strong and remember you're doing this all for your son

hettie · 24/03/2019 09:14

I would stake my mortgage on the fact that by the time your son is old enough to understand complex sentences this man will have lost interest in "fatherhood". He's using 'his son' and 'his fathering' as an excuse to try to continue to control you. When he realises you can no longer be controlled via that he'll give it up.

Singlenotsingle · 24/03/2019 09:30

Your child is only a baby, so any threatened bad-mouthing is not going to happen any time soon. Tbh, chances are this man is likely to disappear out of your lives anyway before very long. He isn't really interested in the baby, he just wants to score points over you and make you miserable.

TowelNumber42 · 24/03/2019 09:41

I have a family member who has been telling me for years, with spiteful enthusiasm, about how awful my auntie is. The thing is, I used to spend quite a lot of time with my aunt so I knew first hand that she is in fact lovely some doormat issues though The badmouthing alerted me to the fact that the badmouther is a dick. It made me closer to the aunt.

Candleglow7475 · 24/03/2019 09:42

If he rings the police every time you don’t respond to a text they’ll soon get pissed off with him and he’ll be wasting police time. It will most likely back fire on him. It’s just another form of trying to control you.
If he does ever ring the police for this do explain to them that he’s doing it to harass you, he was abusive and he’s using the threat of ‘the police’ to try to control you.

WinkysTeatowel · 24/03/2019 09:57

Read your last thread, my gut feeling is that if he has to make the effort he probably won't bother. Don't worry about what he says he will tell your son, he may not even see him. Just ignore him, he wants to call the police because you don't replay, let him, he'll get short thrift there. Just ignore and save the messages.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 24/03/2019 10:00

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes, me.

I ONLY communicate by text/email (court ordered). Court has ordered all communication to be fact based and relating only to the child. He ignores that. I do not. So all the threats, criticisms etc are ignored and I ONLY respond where facts relating to DC are required. I get the "didn't you get my last message?" messages, and I respond "I did".

If you have to go to court, you can demonstrate that your communication is factual and focused only on the best interests of the child.

I am still working on not getting upset by the emotional threats; "I will make sure DC knows all about you", "DC will soon decide they don't want you" etc etc. It's just another attempt to rule by fear, but it's nonsense. I have a great relationship with DC. It's hard though. I am human, and had lived with his emotional abuse for so long that he still knows which buttons to press.

It's also OK to NOT read the messages there and then. Set them aside until you feel ready to read them. If he hasn't got DC with him, it is easier for you to do that.

YouWinAgain · 24/03/2019 10:20

Let him call the police. Police did a welfare check on me and my DD after someone reported us (I suspect ExH or Ex-MIL), they came over, checked DD who was asleep in her bed, made me rouse her but not wake her (just to check she wasn't unconscious or anything - she opened her eyes when I lifted her from her bed and then leaned to go back to sleep so they were happy) and went away again.

My DD is a bit older, 3. Been separated from her dad almost 13 months now. He was violent and controlling. He tried to get residency through the courts, told lies about me to the courts, tried to deny his violence etc. Courts saw through him. And are insisting he stick to my DDs routine. If he misses contact due to work that's his problem not DDs. He has variable shifts and tried to have contact on an ad hoc basis when he could do it. Courts said no and insisted on a set pattern of contact. He's not even allowed to leave her with his parents for more than an hour otherwise she has to come back to me (and as she's older she tells me).

It will be ok. I promise.

Keep everything he sends you, show it to your solicitor. Don't be afraid to change solicitors if you don't feel you're getting the best advice/result. The most important person in this is your DS. Yes he needs contact with his dad, but his dad needs to work around him not DS work around his dad. Remember that and you'll be ok.

P.S. I got praised by the judges for being mature and putting DDs best interests ahead of what worked for me. The contact pattern we have is great for DD but hurts me, but it's not about me.

wobblingalong · 24/03/2019 10:23

My ex threatened and did call the police/ss/the gp when I refused to engage with him via text or whatever. I've had the police round more times than I've had hot dinners. And every single time, they have done exactly what a pp said, seen a happy, healthy (mostly sleeping as he tended to make the calls late at night, claiming I was drunk/suicidal/whatever) baby, every time they have said there are no concerns.

They have to come out because there is a child involved, but their advice was to take out a non mol order so that if he carried on. Thankfully for me, he realised he was getting nowhere and buggered off.

Do not engage, as pps have said, keep any texts/emails completely matter of fact. You have my utmost sympathy.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 24/03/2019 10:31

OP...you are winning here lovely lady....the pillock of an ex of yours is loosing and he is hating it! I promise you he is clutching at straws here trying to find anything and I mean anything to hurt you....He will start being poorly next going for the sympathy vote....keep going keep doing what you are doing for you and your little one....Can I just add that children grow up to know who they can trust and rely on....and that will be you..so it doesnt matter one bit what he threatens to tell it will not make a difference to you child who will just plain and simply love mum....It is so different to your story but my youngest who is 7 had a bit of trauma at school with kids saying your mum is fat( I am!) but the best feeling in the world is when your kid turns round and says ..thats my mum I love her she is kind to me....and similarly that is where you and your child will be in years to come I promise you.

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