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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL’s house

29 replies

MiddleClassProblem · 23/03/2019 08:46

Soooo MIL lives 5 hrs away. DH wants to take DD (4) to visit at Easter. Myself and the dog will stay home where he will watch me binge on Easter eggs and box sets

MIL is a lovely lady but a chain smoker and smokes in her house. She would stop smoking in the house whilst they stay but I’m not sure how long for in advance of their arrival, and not am I convinced she wouldn’t just do it out the window as she has done in holidays with us preDD where the let said no smoking in the house.

AIBU to want DD to stay in the house and suggest they get and Airbnb? At the very least they will still come back stinking if cigarettes as our house does when MIL has come for any length of visit (once was just an hour as she was driving on to somewhere else).

OP posts:

CarpetGate · 23/03/2019 08:59

YADBU! Fgs, your DD is 4. A few days of third hand smoke from the furniture will do her NO harm. What do you think is going to happen, she'll get cancer from a few days of sitting on smokey furniture? Honestly.

Shookethtothecore · 23/03/2019 09:02

I would get an air b&b because I wouldn’t want to stay in a stinky house tbh.

Bluntness100 · 23/03/2019 09:03

You can't be serious? Just wash her clothes when she gets back if you're that precious.

Ffs.

NataliaOsipova · 23/03/2019 09:05

YABU, I’m afraid. Your DD will be fine, if in need of a hair wash when she comes home. 4 year olds have no filter; she’s likely to be the one to say “Gran, your house stinks”, which may be the most effective way of stopping it!

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 09:06

So she doesn't smoke in the house when dd is there?
I don't understand the issue then.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 23/03/2019 09:07

a regular concern with dc around smokers and the smoke. only you and dh can decide on the best course of action, if he wants to stay at his mums with dd that's up to him. they might stink when they come back but shower/bath and clothes laundering will sort that out.
if mil can't give / won't up smoking for her gc she won't do it, this will always be a problem.

Singlenotsingle · 23/03/2019 09:09

My dp's used to smoke in the house when we were kids. We didn't really notice it but I grew up a lifelong non smoker. And with no health issues. Things were different then.

BlueMerchant · 23/03/2019 09:10

I wouldn't be very happy about it but as long as mil isn't smoking in the house while your DD is there then there's not really a lot you can do without looking very rude.

Fairypiggy · 23/03/2019 09:14

It would depend on the child i think. If they have asthma the smoke could cause a flare up. Short term exposure to smoke could be harmful then.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 23/03/2019 09:16

We used to stay with my chain smoker grandparents every year for a week as children. They shock horror even smoked in the house with us there. My mother, who is a massive anti smoker, put up with it, as even she understood it was their house and she wanted us to know our grandparents.

It hasn't done any of us any lasting harm. If she's not even smoking in the house while your dd is there I really don't see the issue.

Original poster

MiddleClassProblem · 23/03/2019 09:18

Well I’ve not said anything about cancer, just the stink. And I guess I’m not the one who’s going to be in the stink there so it’s just in my head.

It make me physically sick smelling it since I had DD as I get flashbacks to steaming wall paper off a wall in our new house when pregnant and the previous owner was a smoker. It was like I was steaming using cola, dripping down the walls...

I think I don’t like associating that 🤢 with DD

I think I’ll get DH to promise to do ALL the washing when they return so I don’t lose all those Easter eggs I hamstered.

OP posts:

Original poster

MiddleClassProblem · 23/03/2019 09:22

Oh and when I say chain smoker... Staying at MIL’s you would often see cigarettes burning like incense as she had forgotten about them for 2 minutes then she’d light another immediately. Basically always one on the go so the stink is hefty!

OP posts:

theresafoxunderthedecking · 23/03/2019 09:28

if she's that causal with 'forgetting' burning cig butts i'd be more worried about a working smoke alarm than the smell tbh

dworky · 23/03/2019 09:29

The NHS now advise parents that even smoking outside the home is harmful to young lungs as the chemicals are brought in on clothing.

OP is right to be concerned in this case.

CarpetGate · 23/03/2019 09:32

@dworky Yes, when a young child lives with a smoker. Not visits their house for a few days, ffs. How much damage do you think can be done 😂

Heratnumber7 · 23/03/2019 09:35

In the 60s when I was young EVERYONE'S parents smoked in the house. As a teenager I hated it and used to complain loudly.

OffToBedhampton · 23/03/2019 09:36

I agree with @NataliaOsipova

GirlFliesHome · 23/03/2019 09:44

tbh I do not think you are being unreasonable. But I am asthmatic and have strong memories of going to my GPs house and having to literally lie on the floor of their living room with my nose as close as possible to the gap under the door to get some fresh air.

I also think many smokes do not seem to understand fully how strong and invasive (to clothes, hair etc)cigarette smoke is.

Pinkbells · 23/03/2019 09:44

I would be concerned about the carcinogenic effects of the chemicals in the house. Can they stay very close by and go out for meals rather than spend time in the house?

StoppinBy · 23/03/2019 09:45

My DS was in hospital as a very young baby, the child that came in beside us had breathing difficulties and the nurses came and told the mother to stop holding the child as every time he was near her his oxygen sats dropped drastically, she was a smoker and the smoke on her clothing was clearly affecting her child.

As an asthmatic the smell of smoke in someone's car or house is enough to tighten my chest and make my breathing feel constricted, I am a very very mild asthmatic.

There is no way my child would be allowed to stay in a house like that and visits would be limited. People who think that is ridiculous are welcome to their opinion but it wont change mine.

Thymeout · 23/03/2019 09:48

In theory, well-done toast, crispy chips, anything browned by cooking gives off carcinogenic chemicals. Candles and air-fresheners have just had the thumbs-down. The risks of third-hand smoke are minuscule compared with first-hand traffic fumes if you live in a city.

You don't like the smell. Fair enough. But you're not going to be there. YWBVU to say you don't want dd to stay in MiL's house.

Original poster

MiddleClassProblem · 23/03/2019 09:53

Honestly, DD’s lungs are fine, no asthma or anything and I don’t think she’d developed asthma from 4 days in MIL’s house (with hopefully MIL sticking to only smoking outside).

You are meant to change your clothes around newborns but again, that’s a SIDS risk and DD is 4.

I think I’m just being dicky about it because the thought of DD smelling like smoke again as she has done when MIL came to stay just makes me want to scrub everything and make them both have long showers with excessive amounts of products.

Just think about the Easter eggs... and the dog cuddles...

OP posts:

KC225 · 23/03/2019 09:53

We used to have some lovely neighbours that chain smoked. They would proudly announce that they wouldn't smoke when any children were there but the smoke impregnated everything. They had a leather sofa and you could smell the second hand smoke on your jeans and as stated in your hair. It is rank.

Would your DH even contemplate staying in an air B&B? You could make sure your DD wears old clothes you can bin on return etc. Shower, hair wash on return etc.

Encourage your DH to get out of the house, walks, park etc.

fleshmarketclose · 23/03/2019 09:54

I really struggle with the smell of tobacco so I have to shower and wash all my clothes when I visit my sister so I feel for you tbh. I didn't take my children to hers as babies I encouraged her to come to mine. I wouldn't like it but a long soak in the bath and all the clothes in the machine on their return should soon get rid of the smell.

Original poster

MiddleClassProblem · 23/03/2019 09:59

Yes, that’s a good idea getting them out and about. MIL can easily just not get out the house but if I gave them a few ideas of places to go she’d be up for it. Neither her nor DH are the best at putting effort in to getting out and about or doing forward planning so I can at least help there. They have a fun day at a farm when she last came to stay.

Oh and re the smoke alarm, obvs MIL hopefully won’t be smoking in the house so the incense still fags won’t be an issue whilst DD is there but we do worry about MIL she she’s on her own. I’ll get DH to check that sort of thing whilst he’s there.

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